Archive for chocolate
June 18, 2011 at 1:22 am · Filed under bedtime, chocolate, coffee, depression, escapism, gastric band, middle of the night, news, politics, radio, sleep, television, the dog, the Exfactor, the moon, the patio, thoughts
I woke up in a sweat with my hair all wet. I don’t know why, it’s not that warm in here and the bedroom window was open. They say it’s good to sleep with a cool head, that you sleep better then. That certainly didn’t apply to me tonight. I had a hot and sweaty head and woke up from it. I felt like laying a bag of frozen peas on it, but it’s cooling off as I sit here now with my cup of coffee and my hair is drying up. I think I will not wear socks when I go back to bed next. Maybe I should go to bed naked.
I took refuge in my bed early tonight because staying up was too much of an effort. The ‘black dog’ was breathing down my neck and making me think unpleasant thoughts that i was not in the mood for thinking. They were totally useless and unnecessary thoughts and served no purpose whatsoever. The only thing they did was get me down. I could think of only one escape and that was safely lying in bed listening to the radio. Luckily, that was almost enough of a diversion until I went to sleep.
Sleep is the only true diversion from my thoughts and when I wake up, I feel better for at least a while afterwards. Such are its restorative powers.
The Exfactor was here yesterday and he bought me a loaf of sliced white bread and a box of dark chocolate sprinkles. Now, when I have a craving, I have a slice of bread with that on it and I feel so good. It’s like manna from heaven. It satisfies my deepest longings. That’s the craving I always get when the ‘black dog’ is visiting. At least the gastric band limits how many of these slices of bread I can eat. I’m not a lost cause altogether.
There’s a part of me that wants to be upbeat and happy and that wants to fight against the downbeat and dark side of me. That must be because it’s the middle of the night and there’s room for both of them. It would be the only time that there were. I don’t feel this way during the day.
I just let the dog out back and stood outside by the back door. It was so nice and cool out there. It was very refreshing. I feel properly chilled now and am going to have to put on my bathrobe. There was moonshine with just a few clouds and no wind, just cold night air. It would have been nice to have gone for a walk in it, but I’m too chicken to do it.
In spite of everything, yesterday went by quickly. There was some respite in the form of television, but I was put off by what I saw on the news and the weekly chat with the prime minister who’s as slippery as an eel. My toes curl when I listen to him talk. He’s so very much not my favorite person. I wouldn’t shake his hand if I met him.
There’s a lot of nonsense on television in the summer season which has already started. It’s when you have to push the off button and refuse to watch it. It’s the negative aspect of summertime.
I’m going to have to go back to bed. I’m not really ready to, but I don’t know what else to do. There’s no other sort of trouble I can get into. I’m going to have to be well behaved.
Ciao,
Nora
June 17, 2011 at 1:34 am · Filed under chocolate, cravings, depression, enthusiasm, food, middle of the night, rain, safety, sleep, the dog, tiredness, walks
I think I detect the presence of an intruder. One I’m not happy with at all. I think it is the ‘Black Dog’ come to make my life a little more miserable. I noticed him first yesterday afternoon when I tried to write a post and found that I couldn’t do it. Try as I might. After that unsuccessful attempt, I walked my own dog and I felt the “Black Dog’ on my heels, following me wherever I went.
I tried to ignore him at first, but realized that was futile and that is was best to recognize his presence. It’s best to face him head on and to not furtively try to escape him. With that realization came a feeling of relief because I felt that I knew my enemy and that I was familiar with the situation. I know what to do. I’ve handled this before.
I feel a huge amount of tiredness and I have an ‘oh, I don’t care attitude,’ but I mustn’t let that get the overhand, of course. I will mollycoddle myself to some extent and be extra kind to myself and go out of my way to do extra nice things that will make me feel good. Everything does seem an effort, though, and I am going to have a hard time fulfilling some of my duties.
I crave chocolate sandwiches and wish I had some real chocolate sprinkles in the cupboard. I have bread in the freezer. That’s something I ought not to do, however. It would be foolish to give into that craving, no matter how comforting it would be. I guess that’s what I want, real comforting food.
What I want more than anything is to be safe and that means being inside the apartment and not going anywhere. It also means that I want to sleep a lot, but that’s not possible because after a while you’ve slept all you can. There’s only a certain amount of that you can do. I do still like being up in the middle of the night, although it’s not the same cheerful experience that is usually is. It’s still of some comfort to me, though.
But I refuse to dwell only on the negative and must find something positive to write about.
Yesterday it actually rained. Several times the heavens opened up and the rain came falling straight down from them. Each time I thought I would have to start building an ark and then just as suddenly the rain stopped and the sun came out again.
Well, I’m sorry, that’s just about as positive as I can get right now. I keep having visions of different kinds of foods in my head that are all unobtainable to me. I guess that when I get depressed, I think about food a lot. I not only think about it, I want to eat it too. What I need now is a car and a 24 hour supermarket.
I just ate a bowl of vanilla pudding and that took care of the worst cravings. My stomach is full now.
I don’t seem to be boiling over with enthusiasm. Everything is on the back burner. I would love to be more lively and a little bit more animated. Instead I feel like a big dull lump. I’m just about as unmovable.
I suppose I will give this another try tomorrow and see how I feel then. Maybe a good night’s rest will help.
Ciao,
Nora
April 24, 2011 at 4:16 am · Filed under anxiety, blog design, chocolate, coffee, courage, decisions, Easter, medication, middle of the night, milk, stress, Sundays, the dog, traditions, tranquility, weather
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I’m up again during the night and taking advantage of the fact that I feel as good as I do. I’ve had two cups of coffee that have helped me straighten out my brain and helped me think straight and I will switch to a nice glass of cold milk next. I’m in as much anticipation of that as a kid is of an ice cream cone. That’s how much I like cold milk. The fact that it’s nutritious is an added extra, although I would not drink it if it were just empty calories.
Yesterday, I dealt with my ever increasing stress by taking 20 mg Temazepam at regular intervals and it calmed me down very well. It really took the edge off and made me not suffer from my own nerves so much. I’m planning on doing that again today the moment the stress starts to hit again. It’s such a relief to feel it almost completely disappear and to be able to sit in silence and tranquility. And most importantly, to be able to walk the dog with a peaceful heart, as that had become an almost unbearable chore.
I’m to the point now that I will do whatever I can to get peace of mind as the stress is something I find I can not cope with. It eats me up. If I were a candidate for ulcers, I would have a couple of them now. It causes a tremendous amount of anxiety that I can not live with and that makes me neurotic in all areas of my life. It influences my thought processes and forces me to make the wrong decisions.
At any rate, I’m sitting here now feeling fairly normal and I’m making myself some more coffee to fight off the feelings of sleep. It is Sunday today and there is time enough to go to bed. I don’t quite want the night to end yet. I want to enjoy it as long as possible because it’s the longest stretch that I feel good without taking any medication.
I made the coffee strong and it tastes very good. It is almost as good as having an espresso. It puts hair on your chest, whether you want it or not. It’s pure indulgence and to get the most effect out of a cup. I’ll have to drink it as quickly as I can while it is still fresh in the can. That’s when it tastes best. There’s nothing worse than overheated coffee. I’m already working on my second cup, granted that my cup is not a mug by any standard. It’s got my name on it so I know who I am. That could be confusing so early in the morning.
I wish I had the kind of courage I have at night during the day. Life would be so much simpler.
It’s going to be another warm summer day in April today without any rain, although we need it badly. Next week the weather is going to change completely and we will have lower temperatures and rain, which will be more normal for the time of year. It will mean dressing in layers again. I’m more than willing to do this because walking around skimpily dressed is not something I’m all that comfortable with. I’m not all that happy when it’s too warm. I like moderate temperatures, I don’t mind when it’s not all that hot.
The farmers need the rain for their crops and nature needs the rain too as there are now fire danger zones. The traditional Easter Bonfires have to be canceled because there’s to much danger of a wildfire breaking out. They are a tradition that goes back thousands of years, so it’s a big deal when they are canceled.
I’m not having any chocolate for Easter, not even one tiny little milk chocolate egg. It’s for the best because I don’t need the calories and if faced with a whole basket of them, I would feel compelled to eat every one of them. I know no measure when it comes to chocolate. It’s best when I don’t have any around. To me it’s just another weekend with an extra day off on Monday which we call Second Easter Day. It’s an extra long weekend, that’s nice.
I will mess around with my blog templates next. I’m not quite happy with what I’ve got now and I have time to do something about them now. I’m full of caffeine, after all.
I hope you will all have a good Easter Sunday.
Ciao,
Nora
March 13, 2011 at 1:11 am · Filed under café, chocolate, chores, cigarettes, coffee, depression, downtown, knee, lemonade, nap, sleep, the Exfactor, tobacconist, Tyke, walks, weekend
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I was already in bed asleep, but then a dog started to bark nearby and every time it barked, Tyke answered it. I can’t have that, of course, and I tried to get Tyke to stop barking, but to no avail. He would only stop if I got up.
So now I’m sitting here with my sleepy head guarding over Tyke who has gone to sleep by my feet. Every once in a while he lifts his head very alertly and listens for the barking dog. He tries to bark, but I stop him. Imagine if I was trying to be asleep in bed right now. It would be a disaster.
To try and stay awake, I have made some coffee, but I really don’t want to be awake right now. I’m awake under protest. All because of that darn dog. I am yawning and the tears are rolling down my cheeks, but the coffee ought to take care of that quickly.
I may as well make the best of it and make myself comfortable and write something good. Or at least make an attempt to. I can’t guarantee that I’ll be able to in this state, although the coffee is perking me up a bit.
I had a very uninteresting day and spent a lot of it sleeping. I did walk Tyke a couple of times and even made it to the tobacco shop where I also bought a chocolate bar. I thought it was about time that I had something sinful. The chocolate made me feel very full and very good. I know there’s a natural feel good chemical in it that works especially well for women. That’s why women have such a thing for chocolates. I could eat a whole box of bonbons right now and it’s a good thing that I don’t have one handy.
The tobacco shop had been closed the last time the Exfactor had gone grocery shopping, so he had bought me an inferior pack of tobacco at the supermarket. I made do with it, but it wasn’t the same as smoking my regular tobacco. Today I bought two packs of it and made cigarettes with it and boy, was that ever a different experience. I didn’t realize that I liked my regular tobacco so much. The other cigarettes were like inhaling air in comparison. They took care of my nicotine need, but that was about it. The cigarettes I have now are like smoking Gauloises as compared to Marlboro’s. They pack a real punch. I mean, if you’re going to smoke at all… I never understood those women that smoke menthol cigarettes called Belinda.
I took a nap in the afternoon as has become a habit now and I take it in my bed because that’s much more comfortable than the sofa. Tyke can get on the bed with me much easier than he can get on the sofa. I also don’t wake up with a sore knee which is still bothering me if I don’t have it in the right position. I’ve found out that lying on my back is the best way to sleep and if I fall asleep like that, I wake up like that too. I don’t move around much in my sleep. It’s the kindest way to lie down for my knee because I have both my legs stretched. There’s still room for Tyke to lie down too.
I wasn’t too depressed today, but that may have been because it was Saturday and a day of no stress. The same will count for tomorrow. The only things I have to do tomorrow is change my bed and do the dishes. Oh yes, and put out the trash. I forgot to do that last week because the trash men came here on Saturday instead of Monday because of the holidays. That had escaped my attention.
I do like the weekends and would like for them to last longer like they did a week ago. The only drawback is that the stores are closed for such a long time. The cafes are open and if you wanted to go downtown and sit on a terrace in the nice weather, it would be a fun way to spend the time. Let’s face it, though, chances are that I will not do that because I will find excuses not to go. It will be too involved and unless somebody physically comes and gets me, I won’t go. I find the bike ride down there too bothersome. I’m glad I make it to my SPN’s office.
That dog is still barking and I still can’t go back to bed. I’m wide awake now and not about to go anywhere. I will have to find ways to amuse myself. Tyke is very alert and looking around the window shade. I think he’s trying to figure out where that dog is. He’s looking into the dark night.
I’ve got to find some other things to do now. I think I’ve made this epistle long enough. I’ve got to drink a tall glass of lemonade to quench my thirst and put ice cubes in it to make it extra cold. I wish my refrigerator had a built in ice cube maker, but that is too much of a luxury. It wouldn’t fit in my kitchen. I’m so deprived of luxuries. I don’t take anything for granted.
Have a good night.
Ciao,
Nora
February 14, 2011 at 3:46 am · Filed under chocolate, downtown, holidays, love, Nutella, old age, peanut butter
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Today is Valentine’s Day, but I have no illusions and don’t expect a pretty card in the mail from a secret admirer. I have no believe that such a person exists and I would be highly surprised if one came out of the woodworks. I sincerely hope one doesn’t, because I wouldn’t know what to do with him. He would upset my quiet and sedate life, even if he wished to stay anonymous. I would be afraid that he would feel the urge to make himself known and that would not make me happy.
But all of you who are receiving Valentine’s cards and are happy with them, please enjoy them to the fullest, and all the boxes of chocolates you’re going to get with them too. Maybe some of you will get proposed to on this day and it will lead to the happiest day of your life. If so, I congratulate you in advance. The days of romance are all behind me and I’ve hung my harp in the willows. There are to be no heart shaped boxes for me, although I do love bonbons.
I don’t think that Valentine’s Day is the enormous commercialized event in this country that it is in some other countries. That can still happen, of course. These traditions do blow over and cross borders. I’m sure if shopkeepers and department stores see a profit in it, they will make a big promotion out of it in the shortest amount of time. I haven’t been downtown and I don’t get any advertising in my mailbox, but it’s possible that there are all sorts of sales going on there too. It’s far from my bed and I’m not completely up to date. The ads on television haven’t made me much wiser, but I think it’s still relatively small scale here.
So I will not be eating any bonbons, which is a good thing, because I don’t need to gain the extra weight and I can never just eat one of them. I wouldn’t be satisfied until the whole box was empty and I was sick of them, especially if they were Belgian bonbons. They are not something I would ever buy for myself for that reason. That would be purely decadent and foolish. Maybe I would have them for my last meal, but that’s a long way off and I may be over my craving for them by then. It’s possible that when I’m an old lady, I will only like rusk toast with strawberry jam.
All this talk about bonbons is making me hungry and I’m going to have to look in the refrigerator to see what there is to eat. I’ve just eaten the last spoonful of peanut butter and the Nutella is all gone. I’ll have to eat something healthy, although I think peanut butter is in small doses. There’s lots of protein in it.
Have a happy Valentine’s Day!
Ciao,
Nora
The Dueling Dutch Woman 