The Dueling Dutch Woman

The Adventures of a Middle Aged Dutch Woman

Archive for October, 2010

>But it feels so much later!


Having set the clock back on hour is a tricky thing to have done. I had set my watch back already and the alarm clock. The computer’s clock had set itself to the right time. I hadn’t set back the living room clock, though, and kept looking at it as if it was the right time and being tricked by it. I finally set it to the right time and now it is only just past noon and not nearly time to go to my sister. 

I have already taken the dog for two long walks and my legs are tired enough. I can only handle one hour at the time. I need better walking boots if I want to do more. The ones I have are torturing devices, so I’m not wearing them anymore. I do have to get some new ones before winter gets here, otherwise I won’t have any grip on the snow and ice.

You see, I’m assuming that there’s going to be snow and ice. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if there weren’t any? Today is so mild that you would almost believe it. The temperature is pleasant and we haven’t seen any rain yet. The sun is even peeking through the clouds. There is a little bit of wind and leaves drifted down on us when we walked along the sidewalks. 

It was very pretty in an autumnal way. If you’re into that kind of thing. I’m always too busy keeping control of the dog to fully enjoy myself. I have to make sure he doesn’t run into gardens and bike paths or poop on somebody’s well manicured lawn. He is a mixed blessing. He gets me out of the house for walks, but then I really don’t enjoy them as much as I could. 

Because of him, I don’t get to walk around and daydream, which is my favorite activity, unless I have a human partner and then I like to talk. The Exfactor and I used to go for enormous walks when we were first married and before we had a dog and we would discuss everything under the sun and have opinions about everything too. We were world improvers and if only they made us boss. 

We were a little bit naive back then, although we didn’t think so. We were both new to the country and the way things were done and we thought they could be done better, well old rotted socialists that we were, although some American influence had rubbed off on me. 

The Exfactor was actually more of an anarchist and hard to pin down in any sort of group, but socialism came closest. He was such an extreme anarchist that he was almost ultra-conservative and a republican of the worst kind. That’s all I could think. He made for an interesting conversationalist. I disagreed with him often and felt like he was brainwashing me. I tried to influence him in becoming more tolerant. 

Anyway, walks! If you’re living by yourself, you have a tendency not to take that many, at least I don’t. I feel very conspicuous walking on my own, unless I have a goal and I think people can read that on my face. As if walking with a purpose is somehow more permissible than slightly sauntering. Hence the dog! Anybody with a dog is allowed out on the street wherever. 

Still, this setting the clocks back one hour, which is really what I started off with, is making me feel very frustrated. The time is crawling by today as if it is doing it on slow motion on purpose. Whoever is in charge of time, is holding back the second hand. The hand that counts the seconds. Not the second hand stuff that you buy at garage sales. 

Although going to garage sales is a lot of fun and I miss that. We’re only allowed to sell our old junk without a license once a year on Queen’s Day. It’s called Free Market and everybody can and does do it. It’s a wonderful event and treasures are found. I think recently a Van Gogh surfaced. 

But that is just an aside. 

I’m going to have coffee with my sister and I must remember to bring that cardigan. She probably won’t like it because it’s cheap, but that’s a chance I’ll have to take. 

I hope you’re all having a nice Sunday. It’s a boring day, isn’t it? Really? 



>Singing in the rain…


I went out shopping today. I had it in my head that I was going to go to some discount stores and be successful and find some good loot, so that’s what I did. I made sure I was dressed properly and that my hairdo was halfway presentable and got on my bike and rode it to the shopping center. 

It wasn’t very cold outside, nevertheless, I wore my winter coat and my thick scarf and was toasty warm. I was only wearing one pair of thin leggings, but I didn’t get cold legs, so I must be tougher than I think I am. Or it must help to keep certain parts of you extra warm, such as your feet and neck and arms. 

It’s only a theory, of course. I know you are supposed to keep your head warm and I certainly don’t do that with my short haircut and no hat. I have a hard enough time keeping my hair looking nice without ruining it with my snow hat. I must find a better hat and for that I’ll have to go to the department stores downtown where they have a large collection of hats to choose from. 

Anyway…I went to the textiles shop first where they have wonderful discounts and the first thing I spotted was underwear. Good cotton ones with a little bit of stretch in black. Four of them into the basket. A pair of gray leggings, also into the basket. A powder blue top with a cowl neck for 4.99, into the basket. My favorite deodorant on sale, two cans and you know where they went… I checked out a lot of other things, but they were not deemed good enough buys to go home with me, so I went to the cash register and paid a ridiculously small amount of money for my purchases. 

Then I went to the drugstore and made my way to the discount aisle. The bins were a bit of a mess and I had to poke around very well, but I did come up with a couple of items. A black scarf, which I didn’t have yet, a black cardigan, which was packaged and which turned out to be much too small when I got it home, but I will give it to my much skinnier sister, 3 pairs of stud earrings that look like they’re silver, but luckily are not because I’m allergic to silver, and to top it all off, I got Tyke 4 small containers of chicken and rice dog food. Oh yes, I also got 2 candy bars. 

When I got outside, I saw that it had rained and my bike was soaking wet, but that didn’t matter because I went into the fashion shop next door where I saw a neat pair of boots on sale for 15 Euros, but not in my size. I also saw scarves there, but noticed that they were very delicate and that they would have runs in them in the shortest amount of time and they weren’t worth the money. So, I left empty handed from there.

I rode my wet bike home and just as I got there, it started to rain and it hasn’t stopped yet, so I was just on time. Tyke just about tore the bags out of my hands thinking rightly so that there was something in there for him, but I let Gandhi have some of the food too because she likes that stuff very much, even though too much of it makes her barf. Tyke loved it and had two portions of it and seemed like he was a happy dog. I ate my candy bars and was a happy woman.

And now I’ve got to go lie down for a little while because I’m tired. I’ve only had one tranquilizer so far today, so that can’t be it. I must just be tired. I’ll go lie down on the sofa with the red fleece blanket over me, nice and cozy. 

Hav a good rest of the day!


>After hypo-mania.


I’m constantly in danger of falling asleep. I keep nodding off and having to take long naps. I sit behind the computer and yawn something awful and have to go to the sofa to sleep. I make pots of coffee and hope they help, but they don’t, the need to sleep is stronger. 

Nevertheless, I just made myself some coffee and still hope it will work and I’m drinking the first cup of it now. You can’t say I’m not willing to try. Actually, if you take away the sleepiness, my mood is good, so all that needs to happen is for this coffee to work. All I need to do is stop yawning. 

I’ve taken some time off to write some emails and by now I’m doing much better. I’m drinking my second cup of coffee and feel more awake. I’ve stopped yawning and even played ball with Tyke who really wants to be walked and who I will have to take out in a little while. 

I was thinking how it is really too bad that the ‘coffeeshop’ is no longer around the corner so I could buy some hash to roll a joint with and have that and sleep really well from tonight. I haven’t had any for a couple of years and sometimes I dream about it. It’s so nice because you don’t have a hangover the next day and wake up so nice and gentle. I must see if I can get some. 

I’ve walked Tyke and he led me on a wild goose chase. He picked up the scent of something and I let him follow it. He took us all over the place and then doubled back. I decided to take charge again and get back onto our normal route where we met a King Charles Springer Spaniel. It was a meeting of mixed feelings with both dogs, but ended up friendly. Tyke does stand his ground and is not intimidated. He’s not a scared dog. The other dog was growling and wagging his tail at the same time. He couldn’t make up his mind, but they did kiss and make up in the end. 

It’s too late to drink any more coffee now, so I will switch to milk. I do have to sleep tonight and I hope I haven’t used it all up today. At least I’ve saved myself from a dark and gloomy mood by sleeping. I would have been in bad shape if I had not. My sister doesn’t understand this and thinks I sleep by choice and not from necessity. She thinks I ought to stay awake and doesn’t realize that it’s impossible. I would be a wreck if I even managed to stay awake. My sister is not a very smart woman, even though she had all that education. It was largely wasted on her. 

On that cheerful note I’m going to leave you and see what other sort of trouble I can get into. I think I’ll go and put my pajamas on, so at least I’ll be at that point of the proceedings. 

See you later.


>Moving around endlessly…


After not having slept all night, I did manage to sleep for a few hours on the sofa this afternoon, because I was running out of steam and my body had to catch up with my mind that was working overtime. I didn’t want to go to sleep and I fought it, but I had no other option, otherwise I would have fallen asleep behind the computer with my head on the keyboard and that leaves nasty marks on your face. 

I very dutifully laid down on the sofa and made myself go to sleep and woke up about two hours later. I made myself some coffee and slowly came to my senses, though I think I may have written a post before I completely had my wits about me. That will make for interesting reading too. It may boggle your mind, as it boggled mine when I read it later. I thought, now what in the world was I talking about? Is this woman quite in her right mind? Is there a screw loose maybe? Does something need to be fastened? 

See, I make fun of myself so you can’t ahead of me. We can laugh together anyway. It is better than feeling embarrassed. I’ve always got to make fun of myself when I think I’m in danger of having made a blunder. I read an article about that in a woman’s magazine today. The best way to deal with a blunder is to laugh about it yourself and to not take it too seriously, as long as you learn a lesson from it so you won’t repeat it. I think that is good advice. 

I’m try to keep all my blogs straight and update the one that I wrote in the longest time ago. I try not to repeat myself, but write something new wherever I am. God forbid someone should actually read all 5 blogs, although I think it’s not possible. I don’t want to write the same story in all 5 blogs so I aim for variety. I mustn’t fall into repeats, though the temptation is there at times and sometimes I will and there will be overlap. It’s hard to be completely original all the time. Even the greatest diarists couldn’t have done it. 

It’s great when your mind is full of ideas and curiosity and goodwill and words and deeds and points of view to get across. but your body has to co-operate too. I wish I was a teenager with the endless energy of one and the capacity to sleep until noon the next day. I feel that I have so much I want to say, but I’m sluggish and I really am dragging my body through the day more than I’m willing to admit. I don’t want to go to sleep, though, because I would be afraid that I would miss out on something fun that I could do. Sooner or later I have to go to bed for real, in my pajamas and under the duvet. I must try to get some sleep, even if it is only for a few hours. 

It’s funny, but when I opened up ‘ The Choppy Sunflower’ blog, there were immediate comments, as if people had been waiting for me to return and it was the most normal thing in the world that I did. There was no mention really of my long absence. I thought everybody would have forgotten me by now, but apparently that is not true. I do have followers wherever I go. It’s not a multitude, but there are some people out there.

Oh hallelujah, my medicines have just started to work and I feel so much better now. What a relief that is. I was wondering if I was going to notice anything in this state of mind. I did feel a certain amount of stress that I wanted to get rid off. 

I was just out walking Tyke when we ran into the Yorkshire Terrier puppy that was also being walked. He was so enthused, that within the shortest amount of time our leashes and the fringe of my scarf had become completely entangled and we couldn’t get it undone. We had to let the dogs off the leashes and mess around for a good 5 minutes before we got everything disentangled. It was actually pretty hilarious and the dogs had a good time. Tyke likes being off the leash and doesn’t go anywhere. He’s completely fascinated with that puppy, as he likes all puppies. I’ll have to let him off the leash there more often when the other dogs are out and let him have a good run around.

Well, that’s it for me for now. I wonder what I’m going to do next? How will I get through the rest of the evening? What stunts can I think of? 


>Another day like this, please…


I tell the story in sequences on different blogs and to keep it straight for you, I suggest you go here to enjoy this part of it, though it isn’t absolutely necessary, but you’d do me a big favor with it if you did. I’m also comment hungry, but that’s a secret that you won’t tell anyone, will you? 

I’m sitting here with a lovely cup of coffee and my cigarettes and life almost couldn’t get better than this, although if I use my imagination I can think of a few other things that I’d also like a lot. All of them involve a lot of money and foreign travel and expensive hotels with room service. Yes, I do have rich tastes and should have been a capitalist and power hungry and ruthless. 

Alas, it’s not in my nature to be that way myself, nor was I savvy enough to marry someone like it. I couldn’t stand to be married to someone like Bill Gates and I doubt he could stand to be married to me, because I would tell him what to do with his money. I would do sensible money management and since I’m a socialist, there would be a lot of sharing of the wealth. I wouldn’t just build a factory in Africa, I would build a village with an infra structure, so no shanty town would develop where people would have to live in indignity while they worked in my factory. I’m sure a lot of that is going on wherever big companies set up business.

I’ll get off my soapbox, but you know where I stand on these things. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s the abuse of cheap labor and dire living circumstances for anyone. I count my blessings every day. I know how lucky I am. 

My meeting with my personal helper and my SPN went well, even though I had been nervous about it at first and was worried about how well they would get on and if there would be any friction with both of them having an interest in me, but coming from two different points of view. I need not have worried at all and we had a good and enlightening talk that was clear for everybody and that was not at all stressful or difficult. My SPN handles these things so well and I’m always impressed with her professionalism, even though she is relatively young. She doesn’t have an enormous ego that gets in the way of her.

I think my personal helper feels reassured now too, because a lot has been made clear to her and she understand things better now. She got a good look inside the kitchen, sort to say. It’s a great relief to me that this talk has taken place and that more talks can happen in the future if there is a need. Now both sides know what’s involved and know each other. 

That’s boring talk and I refuse to write about it more. I’m not in the mood for it. I want to write about different things altogether. About how incredibly nice this day is turning out to be and how happy I am to be alive and how well I feel about myself right now. I wish I could hold on to this feeling always and put it in a box to take it out for use whenever it was necessary. There should be a place where you can store spare happiness, although it is nice to be overwhelmed by it all at once. That and a 50 Euro bill can make your day. 

I have the heater turned up a little high because I was shivering although it really wasn’t that cold in here. If it had been this temperature in the summer, I would have thought it was nice. Now I thought it was too chilly. There must be a draft. This morning I discovered that the domestic help had left open the bedroom window yesterday. I was wondering why it was so cold in the bedroom, but I didn’t notice it behind the closed shade. Her logic escapes me. She also likes to rearrange my objects as if she’s playing house and I regularly have to put things back where they belong. I do think it’s kind of endearing, though. She does care enough, although she likes to put everything at an angle as if that is more artistic. She would have done well in the Baroque Age.  I put everything back straight. 

Tyke is having a good old snore. He doesn’t realize that it’s about time for a walk. He’s too busy sleeping. It’s okay with me, because I’m not exactly looking forward to going out in the cold, even though I do have that very nice scarf to wrap around my throat. The rest of me is cold, no matter how many clothes I wear. It’s really going to be a problem this winter on how I’m going to manage to stay warm. I’ve turned into a real wimp when it comes to going out in the cold. I do so appreciate my warm apartment and the warm duvet when I go to sleep at night. As a matter of fact, I still want to get an extra cover for my bed, because I’m so cold when I first get in it. I keep my socks on. I wish I had one of my grandmother’s crocheted bedspreads now. 

Tyke is awake and telling me it’s time to go out. He’s barking at me even, because I’m not doing what he wants. That is, get up out of this chair and put my coat on. I suppose I better go do that then. He’s a bossy little dog. No manners whatsoever. Somebody didn’t raise him right. 

Have a good evening!


>A pot of strong tea…


It’s early in the morning and I’ve run out of coffee, so I’ve made a pot of strong tea and it seems to be doing the job of waking me up properly too, which I had not expected, although I hoped it would do something. I’ve had 2 mugs of tea and feel as wide awake as if I had one mug of coffee. I am much pleased and can’t believe it’s working. I thought I had to sit here half asleep forever, but it’s not true. 

Because I was emotionally so wiped out yesterday, I went to bed at 4 o’clock in the afternoon and slept until some time in the evening, when I briefly got up because I thought I was awake. If I had had coffee then, I would have had some and become awake, but luckily I didn’t have any, so in the shortest amount of time I was back in bed and sound asleep until about 4 o’clock this morning. You could say that I slept almost 12 hours and that’s a long time for me.

I feel much better this morning than I did yesterday afternoon and have courage again. Yesterday afternoon I was rapidly spiraling downwards and it was not a heck of a lot of fun. I’ll spare you the details of how I tried to cope with that. I didn’t do anything stupid, but I reached out and touched a lot of people. That’s always kind of embarrassing afterwards. I was aided and abetted in this by my personal helper and I have to watch that as she tries her best to rescue me. There can be too much of that too. She becomes an enabler instead of a helper. She starts grasping at straws and has me grasping at them too. I have to keep my own council more.

My personal helper and I are meeting my SPN today. This was at the request of my personal helper who wants to know better how to help me and I think she will be set straight by both my SPN and me, because my personal helper seems to think that I need to be rescued somehow out of a terrible situation. She doesn’t realize that I have good people working in my interest. 

Ha! The dull details of my life. Let me think of what else I can tell you. The Exfactor is coming by this morning to do the groceries and it’s a good thing too, because I’m running out of things. I’m down to my last little bit of milk and I’m going to drink that shortly, although I must say that the tea doesn’t make me nearly as thirsty as the coffee does. So it’s true that tea is a great thirst quencher. I’ll drink more of it in the future and put a couple of packages on the shopping list. It’s called English Tea, but the English probably don’t have it. 

Okay, I’m off to other things. 

Have a really terrific day.




I need a lot of coffee, because I’m almost dozing off behind the computer and it’s not nearly time to go to bed, although I am more than ready for it to be. I may go early tonight and sleep as long as I can possibly manage to make up for last night when I hardly slept at all. 

Still you would think that all that sleep this morning would have made up for it and the nap this afternoon. Apparently that didn’t help at all, or I’m so tired after my little drama that I need extra sleep. I can’t forget about it, because my sore wrists remind me of it constantly. I would like to completely put it out of my mind, but I’m afraid I’ll have to send an email to my SPN in a little while explaining to her what happened. There’s always an aftermath to deal with, isn’t there? 

I’m almost embarrassed that I rapid cycled about such a little incident that took mostly place inside my own head and that had such dire consequences for me. I felt I was going to rapid cycle a while ago when the cigarettes were all gone and the coffee spilled over the desk and the ashtray. I felt like breaking down and crying, but then I thought that it was only a temporary setback that could be fixed and I could always go to sleep if I couldn’t handle it. Rapidly cycling downwards is like having a nervous breakdown repeatedly. 

Rapidly cycling upwards is like repeatedly finding joy and elation at nothing at all. At just any ordinary thing and getting the most pleasure out of it that you can. Finding ecstasy, even if it lasts for only brief moments, and pure unadulterated joy that lasts for hours. It’s like being high on a drug. 

I’ve had 2 cups of coffee and that is enough. I’m awake again. I mustn’t drink any more, because I may not fall asleep tonight.  I am planning on sleeping well and not having a long night up like I did last night. That was so silly, I fell asleep behind the computer with my head on the edge of the desk. I still have a sore spot on top of my forehead. Luckily, I’m not permanently branded by it. I could have fallen asleep on the keyboard too. I wonder what sort of problems I would have gotten the computer into then? I would have given it conflicting messages. I might have had a mess on my hands. 

I was just standing by the back door, letting out Tyke, and it was cold outside. Now I am chilled to the bone and I really need a cup of hot chocolate milk, but I don’t know if that works the same as caffeine. Does it? I should just give it a try, because it would warm my stomach and surroundings so nicely. It’s practically a meal, a cup of hot chocolate milk. I always feel very full when I’ve had one. That reminds me of when I used to drink Cup a Soup. That was always very good too. I must get into that habit again now that the weather is colder. 

Well, I’m off to the microwave oven. No pots and pans required. 

Have a nice evening!