The Dueling Dutch Woman

The Adventures of a Middle Aged Dutch Woman

Archive for personal helper

No rest for the wicked…

I’ve barely slept yet. I decided to go to bed early, but the dog just jumped on the bed and decided to lick me awake very enthusiastically. It turned out that he had to go out back for a piddle an this is a new tactic for waking me up. I must say that I prefer it to being barked awake. This is a much kinder way of being woken up. There’s nothing like being slobbered in the face by a happy puppy. I had to push him off me in order to be able to get up, but he figured that out quickly enough. He’s a pretty hefty dog and hard to move, so it helps if he co-operates. .

Now he’s lying by my feet and he’s sound asleep. Actually, he ‘s lying on top of my feet as is his usual thing to do. He needs to be in the closest contact with me and I can’t move my feet, even though I have to eventually. I’ll get cramp in my legs if I don’t. Other than that, it’s nice and warm to have him lie there. At least I don’t need to wear socks. His body always generates heat.

I don’t know what happened to the cat in all the turmoil. She was lying beside my pillows, but I think maybe she went outside too. I haven’t seen her since and she must be on the prowl. As long as she doesn’t come home with a mouse, it’s okay… No, I just checked. She’s still asleep on the bed. She’s a good loyal cat. She knows when she’s comfortable. Apparently the dog’s antics didn’t bother her one bit. That goes to show you that she is used to quite a bit.

I’m so sleepy headed still. I’m making myself a small pot of freshly brewed coffee. Hopefully that will perk me up for a while. At least until I get ready to go back to bed again. By that time I will be drinking cold milk. I had two glasses of mild orange juice last night and took some antacid tablets and they really helped. I didn’t have my stomach bother me one bit. It is a good solution and I get my vitamin C in too.

Yesterday went well, even the visit with my personal helper did.  She was not so pushy and not micro managing me. Maybe that’s because I’m more assertive. It puts us more on equal footing, which is how it should be. I also found out that she has high blood pressure and that she’s going through the menopause, so I must keep that in mind when dealing with her.

Well, I’ve been sitting here for half an hour now without anything to add so I think I will end this post and go do something else until I’m ready to go back to sleep.

I hope you’re all having a good night.









Awake, am I…?

I would really and truly be sound asleep still if the dog had not woken me up, of that I am convinced. He did have to start barking and in my sleep I thought I had to remove something from his throat to make the barking stop. That’s until I woke up and I realized that was not possible and he just wanted to tell me that he had to go out back for a piddle.

Darn dog. He does have bad timing. I considered going back to bed, but then decided to stay up for a while and have my coffee and write this post. It’s good to sit here half asleep in a stupor and to try to make sense. It’s a bit of a challenge that I’m willing to take on. I do like that half awake state of being I’m in anyway. I feel sort of dopey and it’s very pleasant to force myself into the mental activity that I’m almost not up to.

No doubt I’ll be better up to it once the coffee starts working and that will be a whole different experience too. You see how I like to play with the different states of my mind and live vicariously through all of them. As long as I’m good natured, I see no problem. And good natured  I am, make no mistake about it.  As a rule, I’m not foul mooded when I wake up.

Yesterday was a fine day. It went by quickly and I enjoyed t well enough. The Exfactor was here to do the groceries and he stopped by the pet shop to buy the dog another rubber toy. It was a great success. It is a rooster instead of a rabbit like he had the last time and he’s very busy chewing it to pieces. I don’t know how long it will last, but he’s having a very good time with it.

Thank goodness there’s milk again and I can have tall glasses of it. That’s what I missed most of all. All the rest of the groceries I didn’t care about.  Not that they weren’t necessary, of course. I’ve stopped eating chocolate pudding and now have vanilla pudding instead. I thought it might be a little lower in calories. I eat the same amount every day, so maybe I will see the difference on the bathroom scale. I keep forgetting to get on it first thing in the morning in my underwear, so I don’t know exactly what I weigh now.

My psychiatrist called me and had expected me to have reduced the anti-psychotics by half a milligram starting last Friday. I had to be honest with him and tell him that I had reduced them with a full milligram two weeks ago. He was not that happy with me for taking such a chance and for not informing him earlier that I had done so. Luckily, it had a good outcome, but it very easily also could not have had. He is trying to instill in me the precariousness of my situation and the danger of slipping into an instable mood. I’m not to undertake these actions on my own.

I’m going to stay on the dose that I am on now for a while and make sure I’m completely stable. In a few months we’ll try to reduce it more. I really feel good and have no problems with my moods. I’m not going up and down and generally feel the same every day. I’m quite content with how I feel and have no complaints. I would always like to feel this good. I think what I did was the right thing. I did it instinctively and I don’t feel like I’ve made a mistake. I would have gone back to the original dose if there had been a problem.

This morning at 9 o’clock my personal helper is going to be here because she couldn’t be here on Monday. I’m looking forward to it with mixed feelings. She can help me do the dishes, so that’s good. We can walk the dog together. I don’t know what else to do with her except pass the time as well as possible.

We’re supposed to have spotty showers today, but the temperatures are going to be good. It’s not at all going to be cold. I’m looking forward to the day because, except for my personal helper, the rest of the day will be very uneventful. That’s just the way I like it. I don’t really enjoy being up that early in the morning, I like sleeping later than that, but I’ll take my usual nap in the afternoon to make up for it.

I’ve got my clothes picked out and they are very comfortable and just right for this kind of weather. I’ve been wearing my high tops because it’s so nice to walk in them and they’re easy to get on. My hair has been especially no nonsense and I’ve had to do hardly anything to it in the morning. I just run my fingers through it and it’s in place. I guess it’s just the right length now.

I suppose I’ll go back to bed for a few hours. I can get a little bit of sleep yet.

I hope you’ll all have a nice day.



Freshly brewed coffee…

It is in the middle of the night and I am having a very tasty cup of coffee and a cigarette. Who could possibly ask for more? Yes, I would like a bowl of ice cream, vanilla if you please, but that is just a passing craving that I’ll get over.  I will have a glass of cold milk later on and that will take care of that. Glasses of cold milk are usually the answer to any kind of craving I may have. They are the perfect solution and satisfy me completely.

Yesterday we had a thundershower that brought gentle rain that fell for several hours. It wasn’t a lot of rain and I don’t know if it ended the drought, but it was very pleasant to listen to and very refreshing. It cooled things off a little bit. I fell asleep instantly listening to it when I took my afternoon nap and it was still coming down when I woke up.

I took the dog for a walk in it without wearing a jacket, that’s how gently it came down, and I didn’t mind getting wet. It certainly made everything smell good. Today we are supposed to have some spotty showers and I do hope they come about. I like the rain and we need it. I like going for walks in it, especially when it’s not cold outside.

It can’t ruin my hairdo, as I have such short hair that there’s not much to ruin. All I have to do is let it dry the natural way or rub it dry with a towel depending on how wet it gets. I also imagine that the rain is good for my skin, but I don’t know how true that is. I don’t know how much it’s influenced by air pollution.

Yesterday was a very non eventful day. You could say that it was a day as I like it. It was a typical low key Sunday. The highlight of the day was the tennis match between Nadal and Federer. I ended up rooting for Federer after all since he was the underdog. Of course, Nadal won.

In the evening, I was sitting slumped in my armchair for a long time and when I got up I had a terrific pain in my back in the usual spot. I had a heck of a time getting up and was like a little old lady when I tried to move around. There’s something to be said for sitting in your chair properly. I took some pain medication and went to bed on my fairly firm mattress and now the pain is gone. That bed of mine is good for my back. It always makes things better.

Today is not my favorite day with both my personal helper and the domestic help going to be here, but I have to see it through, little as I like it. Maybe there will be a day when I will appreciate them better again, especially my personal helper. I think she’s the one I have the most problems with. I don’t like her presence here.

I’ve got to go back to bed for some more hours of sleep. I’ll have to set the alarm clock so I’ll be coherent when the personal helper gets here. She always does expect me to be ready for a conversation the minute she walks in. There’s no gentle prelude.

Have a nice day.





Stalking the night…

The first thing I did when I got up tonight, was make myself a wonderful pot of freshly brewed coffee instead of drinking that old heated up in the microwave stuff. That was just about the kindest thing I could have done for myself. I’m enjoying a cup of it now and very nice it tastes too. I thought, why short change myself with bad tasting coffee when with a little more effort I can have the real thing? Sometimes I forget to treat myself with the kindness I deserve. That everybody deserves, so I hope you all treat yourselves well at every opportunity.

When I went on the bathroom scale yesterday morning, I discovered that I had lost another kilo. This leaves me 3.5 kilos short of my latest goal. I’ve already reached two goals and this is my third one. I may set a new goal after I reach this one, it depends on how easily I lose the weight. No doubt I will lose more weight quickly when I cut down on my medicines soon. This particular one is well known for weight gain, so I’m expecting to lose weight as I decrease it. That’s not the reason why I’m cutting down, but it’s a nice benefit of it.

I’m becoming my old skinny self again, someone I haven’t been in a number of years. It’s a great relief to be getting my old body back. Well, of course, it’s been ravaged by time and middle age. It’s not quite the body I used to have. I will need to have some surgery done on my stomach to get rid of excess skin. That’s where most of the weight gain was. I had an apple shape. All of me is skinny now except not quite there in that area.

I had a nice day yesterday, although I didn’t do anything special. I walked the dog a number of times and watched sports on television. I’m becoming a real sports addict and watch a number of them. I even watch field hockey, which I used to think was boring. I do enjoy the tennis at Roland Garros and can watch it for hours if they are good matches. I like to watch Federer play. He’s poetry in motion.

I didn’t get around to reading my book as the animals decided to take up a lot of my time every moment that I sat down in my armchair. There was always one climbing on my lap wanting to be petted. I suppose yesterday was animal bonding day. That’s what Sundays must be for. Every time I gave them a kind look, it was reason for them to come get attention from me.

We all did take a nap in the afternoon and I woke up very groggy and had to be resuscitated with coffee and cigarettes and then a refreshing walk with Tyke, followed by dinner and lots of cold milk for my never ending thirst. I had my pajamas and bathrobe on before I remembered to take out the trash. I watched a quiz show on television and got a lot of the answers right and felt superior. It’s probably different when you actually stand there in front of the cameras and have to give the answers.

I’m not especially looking forward to today. The personal helper and the domestic help will be here. I’m not too thrilled about it. It will be nice to have a clean apartment, but I’m not looking forward to the company. The personal helper wants to micro manage me to pieces and I have to put a halt to it. I will do that today. The domestic help wants to sit and visit too much and I will have to put an end to that also. I do want to be in charge of my own life and my own day and time.

Tomorrow will be a much better day. My time will be my own and I have no appointments, except that the Exfactor is going to be here to do the groceries. You have no idea how much I appreciate my freedom. I need lots of breathing space and room to move around in. Other people can make me feel trapped, especially if I feel they need to be entertained and amused and kept busy.

I’ve got to go back to bed now and get a couple of hours more sleep before the personal helper gets here. I do want to be coherent before she shows up, so I have to set my alarm clock.

I hope you’ll all have a nice day.



>That gosh darned dog!


The darn dog woke me up from a sound sleep. He decided he needed to go out back for a piddle or two. When he came in again, he decided that he was hungry, so I had to feed him something until he was satisfied and went to sleep. By that time I was wide awake and not ready to go back to bed, as I never am under these circumstances. 

I made myself a cup of heated up coffee and made the best of it. I’m going to have to make some real coffee next, though, because this stuff is undrinkable and I’m worthy of better. It will do to get the first cobwebs out, but it’s no good for my enjoyment. And my enjoyment comes first after Tyke has been settled down. 
I was sleeping very nicely under the good smelling sheets. They had still not lost their good scent from having been dried outside. I was having a dream that I remembered fleetingly when I woke up, but that totally has escaped me now.
I’ve been having very interesting dreams lately and my body mimics the actions I perform in my dreams. I wake up that way. If I dream I hold a paintbrush, I wake up with my fingers positioned that way.
I dream that I travel all over the world, to the very edge of it, at the danger of falling off. I go to Tierra del Fuego and it’s barren there and unwelcome. All the natives have been decimated. Hardly anyone lives there.
I go to places that don’t exist, that are on the edge of an imaginary map, like Columbus did. They’re dangerous and hostile places with only a single airfield and not much else.  The ground is about to break up and we are going to fall through it.  You have to walk lightly there. 
It’s probably a reflection of the insecurity I feel every day about being in this place. I never quite feel safe and at home. There’s always this undercurrent of hostility I feel. I’m a stranger in a strange land.
I’ve made myself a fresh pot of coffee and very nice it tastes too. You wouldn’t believe the difference between it and the old heated up coffee. Or maybe you would. It’s so nice to treat yourself decently, especially in the middle of the night when it really counts. When you are having your best hours. 
I still like being enveloped by the darkness that is the night and many times I don’t wish for it to end. But that is mainly because I don’t want the day to start with all of its obligations. The inevitability of having to see people and having to perform chores can seem oppressive. Actually, when I do these things during the day, they never turn out to be as bad as I imagined them to be, but there’s always a level of discomfort and a relief when they’re all done and gone. 
I have a growing dissatisfaction with my personal helper. I think she is too negative and not such a good influence on me and I feel very often that I determine the fate and outcome of our meetings instead of her. I don’t quite feel that I can rely on her to make the best decisions. I feel very much that I have to take the lead into my own hands and know best myself. She’s not much of a help anymore. As a matter of fact, she can be a hinder. 
Not everybody in the world has equal amounts of common sense, not even when they have the diplomas to go with it. You do have to take care who you put your trust in. I have to be my own sage. My own wise woman. Foolish people abound. Not everybody who tries to do you a service actually does. 
I will go back to bed eventually and determine in the morning what I’m going to wear. It’s not going to be a very warm day. It’s only going to be 58F and rainy. I think I’ve got just the outfit that’s good for that kind of weather. I must be comfortable at all costs. I’ve got just the pair of pants for that. 
Have a nice morning or a nice evening, which ever timezone you’re in. 



I actually managed to sleep through the night. This in spite of the fact that I went to bed relatively early. I’m thoroughly amazed at myself and can’t believe I did it, but it goes to show you that with a little bit of goodwill I can. I’m ever so grateful that I did because I needed a normal night’s sleep. I haven’t had one of those in a while. I’m ready to face the day now and I can’t always say that when I wake up in the morning. Usually, I have to go back to bed.
The early birds are singing and it gives the morning a cheerful feeling. These birds are anticipating the sunrise which won’t happen for another 45 minutes. There is rain in the forecast for this morning and it won’t be very warm either, so I will have to wear some totally different clothes than I did yesterday when it was still sunny. That’s okay, I don’t mind raiding my closet. As a matter of fact, I enjoy doing it. There’s always something there to wear that I’m in the mood for.
This morning my personal helper is going to be here and I saved the dishes especially for that occasion. I figured, we needed something to do together besides sit here and talk. It’s better than doing the dishes on my own, anyway. I wish there were more jobs we could do together, but she’s no help at all when it comes to hanging up the laundry which I need to do also. She hangs it up in the most impractical way.
I saw my psychiatrist yesterday, but I didn’t get to see my SPN because she was sick. I got some relief from seeing my psychiatrist, but not the kind of relief I would have had if I had seen my SPN also. I can’t say that I’m out of the woods yet. 
Actually, It’s not a subject I want to discuss because I don’t like the way it makes me feel, which is angry and frustrated. With myself, most likely. 

I hope you all have a good day.


>With time and patience…


After the unfortunate reaction on my part after meeting my first ex-husband, I had a real good discussion about it with my personal helper on Monday morning and that seemed to have helped me a great deal. She pointed out the fact that I was a human being with very human feelings and that it was not so strange that I reacted to him the way I did. I have subsequently had a good blogging friend point out the same thing to me, and even illustrate it with a story of her own, so I feel much better now. 
I haven’t had to take anymore extra medication and to me that is a good sign. It means I am more steady on my feet and more solidly held together. I’m not falling apart anymore, although I look back in horror at the time when I did and at anything that reminds me of it. Even the clothes that I wore. They all need to be washed before I will wear them again. I don’t even want to wear the boots I was wearing. They will need to be banned for a while. 
I feel like doing something radical such as rearranging the bookcase, but I’ve managed to keep myself from doing that huge chore yet. I don’t want to bite off more than I can chew and really need to set apart a time for that. For now I just want to be content that I feel more normal again and that I seem to be back in control of myself. The fact that this is so, fills me with joy and I feel as if I’ve escaped some sort of sentence. 
Of course, anything I say during the night mustn’t be held against me and I don’t want to be held accountable for it. During the night I am an eternal optimist and always see the glass more than half full. It’s how I feel during the day that will really count, although it is strange that those feelings should be more legitimate. I’m alive during the night too, after all, and I sleep half the day.
I’m sitting here drinking cold milk now and getting a bit chilled from it, but it is ever so good for my thirst. I will go back to bed shortly because I’m tired enough to sleep some more. I’m sure I have no interesting things left to do here. 
I hope you’re all having a good night.