The Dueling Dutch Woman

The Adventures of a Middle Aged Dutch Woman

Archive for Tyke

>A safely started post…


I always start my posts safely and tell you that I’m sitting here peacefully with a cup of coffee and a cigarette in the middle of the night and that all is well. This is no exception to the rule. This is what I’ll tell you. How close it is to the truth is another matter, but that’s not something I want to get into at all, so I’ll just keep everything very simple and only discuss things on the surface where they appear very tranquil. 
I’ve not posted for a couple of days because the subjects that have kept me occupied have not been things I’ve want to write about. They have been things I wanted to think about and ultimately discuss with my SPN, which I have done yesterday. At least it turned out I was on the right track and that I was thinking logically and coming to the right conclusions, so I’m rather proud of myself. It turns out that I can depend on myself to make the right decisions. 
I don’t want to be enigmatic, but I also don’t want to go into detail about the various subjects that I struggled with. Needless to say. I had a lot on my plate. I still have a lot on my plate, but at least I’m more clear on how to deal with it now. 
I don’t know how much sense there is in blogging when you don’t go into the details of what keeps you busy, but I suppose there are other things to talk about, although they seem rather frivolous in comparison. I’ve thought about not blogging at all, but then I thought that was too extreme a decision. I think that maybe I will post less often and not be so open about the things I write about. Some subjects are better left alone and are only for silent contemplation or discussion with the professionals. 
The weather has turned from beautiful to cold and rainy. Yesterday I had to wear double layers of clothing and my jacket and scarf. There was a cold wind blowing from the west. I didn’t turn the heater on, however, and still have the bedroom window open on a crack. It’s not too chilly inside and if I stay dressed warm enough, it is doable. I do wear extra warm pajamas when I go to bed and Tyke huddles close to me. At least his fur is long and curly enough again to keep him warmer. 
Everything is green and becoming colorful. There is hardly a bare tree to be found. Lots of trees have beautiful blossoms on them, pink and white. The tulips are blooming and so are many other bulb plants. The tulips are the prettiest and very varied. You see them in all sorts and colors. I suppose because I’m Dutch I would have to like tulips best.
Have a good day.

>A reason for being late…


I emailed my psychiatrist yesterday and told him that the new sleeping pills had not worked at all. That, as a matter of fact, I had been up for nights without any sleep at all, and that I had gone back to using my old sleeping pills which allowed me some sleep anyway. 
He called me in the afternoon and said that he had never heard of these pills not working at all and that the cause had to be  that I had stopped using my old sleeping pills so abruptly. He suggested that I try using my old sleeping pills along with the new sleeping pills last night and that he would call me today to see what had happened. If I had slept at all. 
My old sleeping pills are the kind that help you fall asleep, but don’t keep you asleep, that’s why I always woke up after a few hours. The new sleeping pills are really to help you sleep through the whole night. So last night I took them both not expecting very much.
Much to my surprise I slept almost nine hours. I couldn’t believe my luck. That’s the longest I have slept in I don’t know how long. It’s been forever. I don’t even remember when the last time was that I slept such a long time. Needless to say, I felt great. I was only a little bit groggy when I got up and one cup of coffee took care of that.
Now I only wish to sleep like this every night and I hope it is possible. I hope my psychiatrist lets me use this combination of pills always. 
I look forward to the day now, knowing that I won’t have to go back to bed to get the sleep that I didn’t get during the night. I woke up at a civilized hour. I went to bed early last night because I had not gotten enough sleep the night before. All day yesterday I didn’t take a nap. This normally would have messed up my sleep schedule something awful, but now I’ve had the proper amount of sleep and I can plan a normal day. 
I have to go see my SPN this morning and after that the Exfactor will be here to do the groceries. I’ve already started a grocery list as I thought of items I absolutely needed and should not forget. They are not things I get every week so they are not things I automatically think of when I sit down to make a list when the Exfactor is here. Thank goodness there’s a white board in the kitchen to help me remember. It does pay to be a little bit organized. 
I wasn’t planning on seeing my SPN this week, but made a last minute appointment anyway with the way things were going. My mood was all over the place and I was in danger of becoming quite hypo-manic. As it is I did some dumb things anyway, but more about that some other time. When I’m not embarrassed. 
I will get the show on the road and take Tyke for a walk. The sky is blue and the sun is shining, but it’s still quite cold outside. It’s been freezing last night. 
Have a happy day.

>Sense and sensibility…


I’m up after five hours of sleep, but at least I had those five hours, which is more than can be said for the hours of sleep that I had for the last several nights when I had basically none. Last night I switched back to my old sleeping pills because obviously the new pills weren’t working at all. 
At least with my old sleeping pills I do get a couple of hours of sleep, whereas with my new sleeping pills I was getting none. This led me to become hypo-manic at night when I turned out slightly hysterical posts and during the day I didn’t feel so great either. I had to take tranquilizers and extra anti-psychotics. 
The seriousness of the situation dawned on me yesterday and I realized that I had to do something quick or I would go around the bend. I already felt mad as a mad hatter and I knew that I had to get some sleep during the night. 
The reason I didn’t get more sleep tonight, is that Tyke started to bark and I had to settle him down. I always have to think about the neighbors and I can’t have him bark at all. It does wake me up completely. I probably would have slept a bit longer if it hadn’t been for that.
So, that’s to make a long story short. 
Now I’m sitting here with a glass of cold milk and a cigarette. I’ve had one cup of coffee and decided to not artificially stimulate myself into a high with more caffeine, but the milk is making me feel cold and I’ve just turned up the thermostat. Very shortly it will be warm in here because the place heats up quickly. 
Because of the way I started out this post, I find it a little difficult to get onto a different subject. Also, because I’m not on a high now, my mind is not as alert and as astute and I can’t come up with anything good to write about. 
I do like the way the events are developing in Libya. It’s about time we all interfered and came to the help of the rebels there, although the word rebels is probably not the right one. I use it for lack of better. The fighters for democracy. The freedom fighters. I admire France and Great Britain for taking the lead in this and I hope we show enough muscle to deal with Qaddafi once and for all. The news is filled with the latest updates all day long.  No, I don’t watch CNN. I watch the plain old sober minded Dutch news cast. 
I think I’m okay with it being Sunday today. I’m not too much bothered by it. It will be a very low key day in which I don’t have a lot to do. I started off the weekend by not liking Saturday, but that’s not so strange when you consider the circumstances. 
Have a good day.

>No rest for me…


I was already in bed asleep, but then a dog started to bark nearby and every time it barked, Tyke answered it. I can’t have that, of course, and I tried to get Tyke to stop barking, but to no avail. He would only stop if I got up.
So now I’m sitting here with my sleepy head guarding over Tyke who has gone to sleep by my feet. Every once in a while he lifts his head very alertly and listens for the barking dog. He tries to bark, but I stop him. Imagine if I was trying to be asleep in bed right now. It would be a disaster. 
To try and stay awake, I have made some coffee, but I really don’t want to be awake right now. I’m awake under protest.  All because of that darn dog. I am yawning and the tears are rolling down my cheeks, but the coffee ought to take care of that quickly. 
I may as well make the best of it and make myself comfortable and write something good. Or at least make an attempt to. I can’t guarantee that I’ll be able to in this state, although the coffee is perking me up a bit. 
I had a very uninteresting day and spent a lot of it sleeping. I did walk Tyke a couple of times and even made it to the tobacco shop where I also bought a chocolate bar. I thought it was about time that I had something sinful. The chocolate made me feel very full and very good. I know there’s a natural feel good chemical in it that works especially well for women. That’s why women have such a thing for chocolates. I could eat a whole box of bonbons right now and it’s a good thing that I don’t have one handy. 
The tobacco shop had been closed the last time the Exfactor had gone grocery shopping, so he had bought me an inferior pack of tobacco at the supermarket. I made do with it, but it wasn’t the same as smoking my regular tobacco. Today I bought two packs of it and made cigarettes with it and boy, was that ever a different experience. I didn’t realize that I liked my regular tobacco so much. The other cigarettes were like inhaling air in comparison. They took care of my nicotine need, but that was about it. The cigarettes I have now are like smoking Gauloises as compared to Marlboro’s. They pack a real punch. I mean, if you’re going to smoke at all… I never understood those women that smoke menthol cigarettes called Belinda. 
I took a nap in the afternoon as has become a habit now and I take it in my bed because that’s much more comfortable than the sofa. Tyke can get on the bed with me much easier than he can get on the sofa. I also don’t wake up with a sore knee which is still bothering me if I don’t have it in the right position. I’ve found out that lying on my back is the best way to sleep and if I fall asleep like that, I wake up like that too. I don’t move around much in my sleep. It’s the kindest way to lie down for my knee because I have both my legs stretched. There’s still room for Tyke to lie down too. 
I wasn’t too depressed today, but that may have been because it was Saturday and a day of no stress. The same will count for tomorrow. The only things I have to do tomorrow is change my bed and do the dishes. Oh yes, and put out the trash. I forgot to do that last week because the trash men came here on Saturday instead of Monday because of the holidays. That had escaped my attention. 
I do like the weekends and would like for them to last longer like they did a week ago. The only drawback is that the stores are closed for such a long time. The cafes are open and if you wanted to go downtown and sit on a terrace in the nice weather, it would be a fun way to spend the time. Let’s face it, though, chances are that I will not do that because I will find excuses not to go. It will be too involved and unless somebody physically comes and gets me, I won’t go. I find the bike ride down there too bothersome. I’m glad I make it to my SPN’s office. 
That dog is still barking and I still can’t go back to bed. I’m wide awake now and not about to go anywhere. I will have to find ways to amuse myself. Tyke is very alert and looking around the window shade. I think he’s trying to figure out where that dog is. He’s looking into the dark night. 
I’ve got to find some other things to do now. I think I’ve made this epistle long enough. I’ve got to drink a tall glass of lemonade to quench my thirst and put ice cubes in it to make it extra cold. I wish my refrigerator had a built in ice cube maker, but that is too much of a luxury. It wouldn’t fit in my kitchen. I’m so deprived of luxuries. I don’t take anything for granted. 
Have a good night.

>The sense of medicines…


Because I had not been feeling my old self lately, I asked my psychiatrist today if I could increase my anti-depressants. I told him the reasons why and he said it was okay with him if I felt that I couldn’t wait a few days to see if it would improve. I thought about that, but realized that I didn’t want to continue feeling the way I was. I felt like I was fighting an uphill battle and that I was going down hill.

What bothered me especially was the over analyzing of my thoughts that I was doing continuously and still want to do, although now that I realize that I’m depressed, I try not to do this anymore. I don’t give it the legitimacy that it had before. I was picking every word and deed and thought apart until nothing was left whole and unexamined, but because I looked at it through dark and negative  colored glasses, nothing looked right and I couldn’t get a clear picture. 

Like I said, I try not to over analyze my thoughts anymore and I’m waiting for the medication to do its job. I have faith in it, just like I believe in not using it when it’s not necessary. At the same time, I’m not going to take myself so seriously. I’m going to leave my thoughts alone and not pick them apart. I will treat myself like an ailing person who has to get better.

That doesn’t mean I’m out of the woods yet. I feel major discomfort creeping up on me as I write this. My mood is morose. I have deep and dark thoughts and unpleasant memories popping up their head.  Scenarios that are unwanted and uncalled for enter my head and are played out and they are painful. They make my toes curl in my boots. It’s best to keep myself occupied.

One way I did that today was to watch the continuous news about the devastation in Japan from the earthquake and the tsunami. I guess my troubles pale in the face of that. It’s always good to keep a sane perspective on things, though you must not neglect your own problems because other people in the world are having worse ones.  You’d never get around to taking care of yourself that way.

I have to walk Tyke, he is waiting impatiently. He has just eaten his dinner.

Have a good night.


>What a life…


The first thing that I do when I wake up in the morning, is turn on the computer. God forbid that I should be alone with my own thoughts which this morning are especially foul. But since everything is temporary, I have to assume that these will also improve and that I will be feeling right as rain in no time at all. To that end, I have just taken my medicines and am drinking my second cup of coffee. If they are going to help at all, I should see improvement in a short amount of time.
It’s terrible to wake up in a bad mood. To feel so grumpy that you don’t even like yourself anymore. That you are your own worst enemy. When you feel like pummeling yourself in the head and going back to bed to crawl under the covers and not come out again. Of course, you know a situation like that can’t go on and that you need to change it, but it has to be within your means. You have to have the methods to do something about it. I have coffee and medicines, but what does an ordinary person have? A cup of tea and lots of goodwill? 
I do have goodwill too, I guess. I have to reach inside myself and pull it out and apply it to myself because there’s nobody else around to do it. It’s a one woman operation, although I guess when you’re surrounded by other people it still comes down to you. You still have to rescue yourself from your own negative thoughts, even if you are showered with kindness and love. Unless you believe you deserve them, they’re not going to do you much good. Or does a little bit of kindness go a long way? We are social animals, after all, and get our strokes from other people.
Thank goodness that today is Friday again. The last day of the workweek and the beginning of the weekend. The domestic help will finally be here again after quite an absence because of the holidays and there is much work for her to do. I will have to do the preparatory chores before she gets here, but after she leaves it will properly be the weekend and I can celebrate that. Why is that such a big deal to me? I should be used to it by now. Every weekend is a breather in the week. A big time out.
I will start the day by taking Tyke out for a walk. The fresh air will do wonders. It ought to wake me up like nothing else will, although I wish it was a walk along a beach by the sea. Don’t you wish you could pick your scenery? 
Have a good day.

>On a cold spring day…


I’m sitting here freezing my buns off. The bedroom window is open and the heater is turned off. I’m airing out the place and stubbornly refuse to change the situation. I should put on more clothes, but I also refuse to do that. I guess I’m being very Calvinistic and must believe in minor suffering. As long as my teeth aren’t chattering, I think I can handle it. On top of everything, I had a glass of cold milk and that made me extra cold. I think I will have a cup of hot coffee next. It’s the most sensible thing to do.

My personal helper was here this morning and together we walked Tyke and did the dishes. Doing the dishes with another person makes them less of a bothersome chore. I had just received approval by mail to have 4 hours a week of personal help for another 5 years. Isn’t that wonderful? Now we won’t have to reapply every year, which is a long drawn out process. This comes at a time of major cut backs when many people have their applications turned down, so I got very lucky.

Getting the approval has taken a lot of stress off my shoulders because I was prepared to get turned down and was worried about opening the envelope when it came in the mail. As a matter of fact, I put it off for a whole day before I dared open it. You can imagine what a relief it was when I saw the year 2016 in the extension box. I suppose somebody is watching over me.

It’s overcast outside and windy. It’s a cold wind and it’s supposed to rain later on. It’s not pleasant to walk the dog. I do think I liked the sunshine better, but I can never make up my mind about these things. Inside it is cozy and I have some of the lights on. I’m glad that the dishes are done, but I still have to hang up the laundry and wash another load. 

I’ve closed the bedroom window and turned on the heater and put on a heavy cardigan. I’ve also had a cup of coffee. Common sense did prevail.

I’m very sleepy and need to take a nap. I slept 8 hours last night, but I guess that still wasn’t enough. I have a terrible desire to go to sleep. I think I will go lie down in my bed and get warm and comfortable.

Have a good day!