The Dueling Dutch Woman

The Adventures of a Middle Aged Dutch Woman

Archive for mood

Awake, am I…?

I would really and truly be sound asleep still if the dog had not woken me up, of that I am convinced. He did have to start barking and in my sleep I thought I had to remove something from his throat to make the barking stop. That’s until I woke up and I realized that was not possible and he just wanted to tell me that he had to go out back for a piddle.

Darn dog. He does have bad timing. I considered going back to bed, but then decided to stay up for a while and have my coffee and write this post. It’s good to sit here half asleep in a stupor and to try to make sense. It’s a bit of a challenge that I’m willing to take on. I do like that half awake state of being I’m in anyway. I feel sort of dopey and it’s very pleasant to force myself into the mental activity that I’m almost not up to.

No doubt I’ll be better up to it once the coffee starts working and that will be a whole different experience too. You see how I like to play with the different states of my mind and live vicariously through all of them. As long as I’m good natured, I see no problem. And good natured  I am, make no mistake about it.  As a rule, I’m not foul mooded when I wake up.

Yesterday was a fine day. It went by quickly and I enjoyed t well enough. The Exfactor was here to do the groceries and he stopped by the pet shop to buy the dog another rubber toy. It was a great success. It is a rooster instead of a rabbit like he had the last time and he’s very busy chewing it to pieces. I don’t know how long it will last, but he’s having a very good time with it.

Thank goodness there’s milk again and I can have tall glasses of it. That’s what I missed most of all. All the rest of the groceries I didn’t care about.  Not that they weren’t necessary, of course. I’ve stopped eating chocolate pudding and now have vanilla pudding instead. I thought it might be a little lower in calories. I eat the same amount every day, so maybe I will see the difference on the bathroom scale. I keep forgetting to get on it first thing in the morning in my underwear, so I don’t know exactly what I weigh now.

My psychiatrist called me and had expected me to have reduced the anti-psychotics by half a milligram starting last Friday. I had to be honest with him and tell him that I had reduced them with a full milligram two weeks ago. He was not that happy with me for taking such a chance and for not informing him earlier that I had done so. Luckily, it had a good outcome, but it very easily also could not have had. He is trying to instill in me the precariousness of my situation and the danger of slipping into an instable mood. I’m not to undertake these actions on my own.

I’m going to stay on the dose that I am on now for a while and make sure I’m completely stable. In a few months we’ll try to reduce it more. I really feel good and have no problems with my moods. I’m not going up and down and generally feel the same every day. I’m quite content with how I feel and have no complaints. I would always like to feel this good. I think what I did was the right thing. I did it instinctively and I don’t feel like I’ve made a mistake. I would have gone back to the original dose if there had been a problem.

This morning at 9 o’clock my personal helper is going to be here because she couldn’t be here on Monday. I’m looking forward to it with mixed feelings. She can help me do the dishes, so that’s good. We can walk the dog together. I don’t know what else to do with her except pass the time as well as possible.

We’re supposed to have spotty showers today, but the temperatures are going to be good. It’s not at all going to be cold. I’m looking forward to the day because, except for my personal helper, the rest of the day will be very uneventful. That’s just the way I like it. I don’t really enjoy being up that early in the morning, I like sleeping later than that, but I’ll take my usual nap in the afternoon to make up for it.

I’ve got my clothes picked out and they are very comfortable and just right for this kind of weather. I’ve been wearing my high tops because it’s so nice to walk in them and they’re easy to get on. My hair has been especially no nonsense and I’ve had to do hardly anything to it in the morning. I just run my fingers through it and it’s in place. I guess it’s just the right length now.

I suppose I’ll go back to bed for a few hours. I can get a little bit of sleep yet.

I hope you’ll all have a nice day.




Good mooded…

What amazes me is that I’m always in a good mood when I wake up in the middle of the night after I’ve slept several hours. Without fail, I feel good. I’m always good natured. To me that means that I should get as much sleep as often as I can and therefor I’m glad I take naps in the afternoon. I think they are very nurturing to my soul. I usually feel good too after I wake up from one and do my best thinking, just as I do that now. At least, I think I do. I do need to drink a cup of coffee, of course. I need to sharpen my mind somewhat.

Since it is officially Saturday already, I get to look forward to the weekend and sleeping late in the morning. Being completely lazy too. Well, as far as daily life allows me to be. There are the inevitable chores, of course. There’s always something to do, but it will be the minimum amount. You see, I still enjoy the weekends and the sense of freedom that they bring. Weekends are like mini vacations and give me the break I need. Whatever stress I feel during the week, I don’t feel during the weekends.

I haven’t really been feeling a lot of stress, as my life has been very low key and non eventful. Just as I like it. I want to say that I plan it that way on purpose and for the most part I do, but nothing important seems to happen in it at the moment. All the little hitches in it are other people’s and seem to resolve themselves with hardly any interference from me. All I am is a listening ear and an occasional advice giver. That seems to be my task in life.

As long as my mood stays steady, I have nothing to complain about. I’m currently not going through any great ups and downs. Thank goodness for that. I’m not on a roller coaster ride. One day is as predictable as the next. That’s very comforting. It’s nice to know ahead of time how your day will be and how you are going to be put together. That way you can look forward to it and make some sort of plan. There’s nothing nicer than a steady day.

I do appreciate predictability. I like for everything to be the same as much as possible. I do dislike unexpected events and I like to know everything well ahead of time. That means I’m not much of a spontaneous person. I think I used to be one in another life, but I’ve stopped being one. I like plain ordinary days. As long as they go without a hitch, I’m happy. To me those are successful days.

I find that I function best if I’m not stormy and dramatic and don’t go looking for adventures. My life goes better if I don’t. I have better outcomes and leave less casualties. I also provide the security that I really need and the solid base I need to build my life on. Especially now that I’m on my own.

I need to go back to bed. It’s time to sleep some more. It’s not nearly morning and no early birds are singing yet. They won’t start for another hour.  The dog is sound asleep on the coffee table and the cat is asleep on the sofa. To them it is still nighttime. And right they are.

I hope you’ll all have a good weekend.




Just take some pills…

I just woke up from an afternoon nap and for a change I’m not feeling all that great. I’m grouchy and grumpy and basically in a bad mood. To take care of this, I’ve made myself a fresh pot of coffee and I’m now drinking my second cup. I hope that it will improve my outlook.  I don’t like myself this way, but as I drink the coffee, I see little glimmers of light and I think there will be improvement soon.

I’ve also taken my evening dose of medicines. When all else fails, there are always the medicines to take. A couple of pills will always bring relief. I can count on that. Such is my faith in them.

Of course, it helps if you sit down and write about what is happening to you. If you put it in words, you are bound to feel better. I am a great believer in that. The moment I put down that I’m in a bad mood, I am less so. The sheer act of making it public makes me feel better. At least it’s not a dark secret I’m carrying around with me. I publicly announce that I’m a grouch and a grump.

I do dislike pretending I’m cheerful when I’m not. I think people ought to be allowed to be grumpy when they feel like it. As long as they don’t make any casualties it should be okay. You have to get over your grumpiness in your own time and at your own rate. As long as you make an effort and don’t get stuck in it. It is always my intention to get over it as quickly as I can.

There, I’m over it now and can be normal again, whatever is meant by that. I can think straight anyway. And as I write that, the sun is coming out again. That is a welcome sight, as it has been playing peekaboo behind the clouds all day. And we still haven’t got any rain. It’s useless trying to wish for any, we’re just not going to get it.

Maybe that is just as well because I still have to take the dog out for a walk and I certainly don’t want to get rained on. The dog is lying by my feet waiting very patiently for me to take him. I should say that he is impatient. Every once in a while he jumps up against me and looks at me with begging eyes. I’m so cruel to make him wait.

I better go get my shoes and jacket on and take him out. I’ve missed the 6 o’clock news as it is. It will be nice to get some fresh air and  exercise. After that I can get my pajamas and bathrobe on and vegetate in front of the television.

I hope you’re all having a good weekend.



>An innocent dog…


He is sound asleep in the armchair now and you wouldn’t think that he is guilty of waking me up out of a sound sleep, but he is, that darn dog. He had to go out and do a piddle and as a result I am sitting here somewhat grumpy and not quite awake with a cup of coffee. 
He was softly barking at me to let me know that he needed to go out and he couldn’t be ignored. It’s very irritating to listen to when you are trying to sleep because he keeps it up at a steady pace. There’s no rest for the wicked or even for those who have been good as gold. 
Now he is sleeping the sleep of the innocents, not even the cat can wake him, and I’m sitting here yawning. But I will be alright after another cup of coffee and not be grumpy any longer. I already feel my mood improve after this first cup. You can’t keep a good woman down forever. At least not for the duration of the night.
Speaking of keeping a good woman down, in two weeks time I am going to start decreasing my anti-psychotics in 0.5 mg increments. My psychiatrist has decided that I’m going to do it very slowly so as not to cause any mood disturbances. He said that we should have learned our lessons from the past and not decrease them too quickly. 
I can only concur and agree to this course of action. I want to decrease a total of 2 mg so that will take me several weeks. I’m much less cocky and assured of myself than I was at earlier attempts when I overestimated my ability to decrease them. I think I actually got in trouble because of that attitude. Hopefully this time things will go much better. 
I got a flat tire on the way home from seeing my psychiatrist and had to walk my way home with my bike. Luckily, it wasn’t too far. I have to pump up my tire and see if it is a true leak or just a slowly emptying tire. If it is the latter, the tire won’t have to be patched, which will save a lot of work. For the Exfactor anyway. 
I had a nice enough day. Nothing too exciting happened, which is fine with me. I like uneventful days for the most part. I talked to both my sisters on the phone and listened to their tales of woe, leaving me feeling frustrated. And then having to push away that feeling because there’s nothing I can do about any of it. Their’s are ongoing sagas that seem to have no endings. 
That’s why I like my life uncomplicated. There’s enough excitement in the lives of the people around me. I function as a sounding board. I hear it all. I would hate to have complications in my own life on top of that. I do appreciate the simplicity of my days. 
Yesterday we had beautiful weather. The sky was blue and the sun was shining all day. Today things are going to look a little differently. It’s going to be colder and overcast and rainy and it’s going to stay cooler for the next couple of days.

That means a change of clothes and I will have to look through my closet and see what is appropriate. Hopefully, something fun will jump out at me. I’m sure there are still forgotten clothes there that I will rediscover.
I’ve got to go and rediscover my bed. It’s time to sleep some more. 
I hope you’re all having a good night. 

>My morning coffee…


For a change I slept through the night again and I’m much pleased. It always feels like such an accomplishment when I do. Going back to bed after I’ve let the dog out back in the middle of the night is quite an achievement, especially if I’m grumpy when I do and I really want a cup of coffee and a cigarette. I was able to resist the urge and go back to sleep. 
It is raining as I write this and as you know, I don’t mind that one bit. I’m very warm and cozy inside by the light of the desk lamp with my bathrobe on. I can think of worse things that could happen. Rain is not one of them. The dog is not nearly ready to go out and is sound asleep on the sofa. We can wait to go for a walk until this shower is over. Besides, we need the rain on our dusty and dry earth. I hope things get good and wet. 
I looked through the shelves in my closet yesterday and found many clothes that were to big. They were added to the already large stacks of other clothes that I had already taken out. I found some things that would fit and washed them and they are hanging on the drying rack in the bathroom. 
I’ve really decimated my wardrobe. It’s sad when you see what’s left over. I shouldn’t complain, though. There’s enough left to put together lots of outfits for now and I only have to worry about what I’m going to do in the wintertime. I’ll have to get some warmer clothes before that time. Not much, but something anyway. 
I’ll no doubt lose more weight before that time, so no action is required on my part now. I want to lose 5 kilos, but at the moment I’m not losing any weight. I’ll probably have to decrease one of my medications if I want to and that’s going to happen some time in the near future according to my psychiatrist. As soon as I’m stable enough, we’re going to give it a try. 
I’ve been stable for about two weeks now and that’s not a very long time yet. I’m grateful for it, though. It’s so much easier not to have those terrible ups and downs anymore. Those are the hardest things to deal with. It’s the unpredictability of the moods that makes it so difficult. It’s great when everything is on an even keel again and I’m pretty much stable throughout the day. 
I watched the Eurovision Song Festival last night and listened to many mediocre songs. The songs I really liked didn’t get the votes I hoped for. A typical song festival song won. That was predictable, of course. It is said, though, that the song festival does more for European cohesion than politics ever could. That’s something anyway. You wouldn’t think so with all the Eastern European countries voting for their neighboring countries. 
Tonight is the football match for the national championship. It will be very exciting to watch. I’m for FC Twenthe, of course. I couldn’t be for Ajax. I have to be for the Saxons with their familiar accent. It’s in the genetics. I’ll either watch it on television or listen to it on the radio with the danger that I’ll fall asleep during it. I still have to make a decision about that. It depends on how late I want to stay up. 
The sun just came out and it’s a good time to end this epistle. I’ll have to take the dog out shortly. I still need to take a shower and wash my hair before I’m presentable.
Have a good day all of you.

>A repeat performance…


It’s in the middle of the night of Thursday going on Friday. Actually, it’s officially Friday already, so I will stick to that. It’s a much more optimistic point of view. The fact is that I like it being Friday instead of Thursday because it’s almost the weekend. I will do a few chores in the morning before the domestic help gets here and then I will be home free. And then, ha ha (laughing wickedly), I will have the weekend all to myself to do with as I please. 
No doubt I’ll fill it with all sorts of interesting things to do such as take naps and watch TV and walk the dog and sit and meditate in my armchair. That is if everything goes well. If I can sustain the mood I’m in. That’s the crucial ingredient. I must be well tempered. That means keeping my mood as balanced as I can get.
At least I can treat myself to a pleasant night sat behind the computer with a nice cup of coffee. That’s one way to get into a good mood. Nobody can take that away from me. I will have the agreeable experience of it and I’m enjoying that a lot. 
There’s no real reason why I should enjoy it this night more than others, because I do enjoy them regularly anyway. Except last night when I was in a minor mood and nothing came of writing a post, but there have to be exceptions to the rule.
There’s no need to over analyze this. Everybody has their ups and downs and I’m no different. Some nights you are full of goodwill and some nights you had better go back to bed, even if it means having a somewhat sleepless night until the morning when you properly fall asleep. 
It’s with some amount of contentment that I sit here now and write down whatever enters my head, although I do try to make rhyme and reason of it. I don’t want to sound completely like a ship set adrift. I do want to make some sense. 
No doubt the coffee is keeping me on the straight and narrow. It does have the tendency to keep my mind focused. At least it prevents me from drifting away from the subject at hand too much. 
But what was the subject at hand? It seems to me that I had not quite chosen one. I think I was just rambling on in a general sort of way and was not really focused on anything in specific. Maybe it’s impossible for me to do that right now. There’s nothing really pressing on my mind.

All I know is that I have to do the dishes this morning and do a load of laundry and dry it outside on the clothes lines. That will give me a good reason to change the bed again tonight and I can’t do that often enough for my taste. The weather is going to be beautiful today and there will be no excuse not to hang the laundry outside. It should be dry in no time because it will be most pleasant out there.
Those are the calls of duty which I’m at liberty to ignore right now because it’s not the right time to give heed to them. I’ve got some sleeping left to do first. It’s with some reluctance that I’m going to go back to bed because I’m not nearly ready to. 
It’s too bad that reality always creeps into your middle of the night musings. It’s that sense of responsibility that calls you back to order. It’s too bad that it’s so exaggerated. I wish I had a little less of it. 
If you’re still up, I hope you’re having a good evening. If you’re asleep, I hope you’ll have a good morning. 

>Late night thoughts…


My sister had given me a package of organically grown coffee and I made a pot of it just now, but I have to say that I don’t like the taste of it very much. I made it just as strong as I made the regular coffee, but it doesn’t pack a punch. You can’t look a gift horse in the mouth and I will finish it all up, although it is with a bit of resistance. Maybe I will get used to the taste of it after a few pots, but organically grown is not necessarily better.
It was coffee she no longer used because she has a complicated Krupp machine now that makes all sorts of coffee and grinds whole beans. Before that, I never thought I had a decent cup of coffee at her house, but I thought she was just not very good at making coffee. Now I understand why that was. She made the coffee too weak and it was organic. Another mystery solved. 
Her Italian friend tweaked the Krupp machine yesterday and fixed me a most excellent cappuccino in a tall glass that I really savored, so I know now to always have him make my cappuccinos. It must be because he’s Italian that he knows how to fix them so well. The milk was foamed to perfection.

As we speak a mixture of Dutch and English and Italian when we are together, we are all starting to understand each other in these languages. We switch from one to another without realizing that we do, although I’m very limited in Italian. I did guess the correct word for pillow, which is ‘il cushino.’  
We sat in the garden in the sunshine and as I sat with my back towards the sunlight, I’ve got a tan line there and on my shoulders. My dress was low cut in the back. The fence blocked the cool wind that was blowing and it was lovely. We moved our chairs as the shade of the house moved across the garden. 
On the fields by my apartment, the dandelions have all gone to seed, but the daisies are still blooming. There is also purple clover now and there are yellow buttercups all over. I’ve even see the first pink poppies. It is a joy to walk the dog and to discover the new wildflowers. There are some other very small ones in different colors, but they are so little, that they hardly show up. There are bees buzzing around now too, but luckily I have no fear of them. I’ve never been stung by one. 
All in all, it was a wonderful lazy day yesterday as Sundays should be. It was truly a day of rest and I didn’t even get around to doing the dishes that I should have done. I was also going to change my bed, but I didn’t get around to that either. Those will be jobs for today. That’s what Mondays are for, after all. I do have a clean set of sheets and pillow cases. It’s the pillow cases that I always run out of. I have to get more of those with four pillows on my bed.
I’m truly thankful for the mood I find myself in. It’s neither high nor low, but nicely in between. I guess I’m doing something right. If only I could figure out what the magic ingredients are, I would keep adding them every day. I would subtract whatever did not fit into the picture. It’s such a relief to be balanced. I’d wish for it every day. I suppose that would bring me the greatest happiness. 
I’ve had a glass of milk, but the taste of that coffee is still in the back of my mouth. It really isn’t very good. I think that maybe I will just keep it for emergencies. There’s no sense in drinking something against your will. That’s not what life is all about. You always need to find the most enjoyable experience as long as you don’t hurt anyone with it. I’m sure my sister won’t mind if I don’t like her coffee. I don’t think she was too thrilled about it herself, but bought it out of a sense of responsibility. She had a wacky little coffeemaker when she moved to her new house until the Krupp machine arrived.
I’ve got to think about going to bed, although I’m not nearly ready to. I’m enjoying the peace of the nighttime too much. 
I hope you’re all sleeping tightly or are about to.