The Dueling Dutch Woman

The Adventures of a Middle Aged Dutch Woman

Archive for sleeping pills

Early bedtime?

Apparently I’m not supposed to go to bed on time at night. It is completely futile that I do because I do nothing but lay there and waste my time trying to fall asleep. It would be wonderful if I dozed off, but I don’t even do such a thing. I’m just wide awake and completely aware of my surroundings. I have silent communications with the dog and the cat who can’t go to sleep either as long as I don’t.  We all toss and turn and switch positions to get the most comfortable we can be, but it is all to no avail until I finally announce that I’m getting up and that sets the troops in action. We all move to the living room where everybody finds their spot.

One of the problems was, that for some reason there was no British thriller on tonight. There’s going to be tomorrow night and the night after that, but none this evening. This p*ssed me off a little bit because I had gotten so used to there always being one. There was other ‘amusement’ on the TV, but it was nothing that I was happy with. As a result, I went to bed early thinking that I would be happy listening to the radio, but it wasn’t so. The subjects that were discussed didn’t interest me all that much and I was just out of sorts. Sleep seemed like a good solution, but it didn’t come, despite my sleeping pills.

I cut my hair today because I decided that it was too long and didn’t make me look good. That’s because I was wearing my glasses and I thought I looked like a very average run of the mill woman without any pizazz. I wanted to do something about that quickly so I grabbed the scissors and started cutting. I did do it very carefully and it turned out alright. At least I have more bounce to my hair now and it is a little perkier. I will have to go to the hairdresser to have it properly evened out in the back, but I can take my time doing that. I’ll see if I can go next week some time.

I was supposed to have a domestic help today, but she never showed up. I will have to call on Monday to find out what happened to her. I still haven’t got my regular Friday domestic help back and I don’t know what’s wrong with her. I haven’t seen her in ages, but I sure do miss her. She does such a nice thorough job of cleaning the place. I hope she’s back on the job soon.

It rained off and on all day and one time the dog and I got rained on when we were out for a walk. It wasn’t too much rain and we didn’t get too wet. We weren’t too far away from home because I had anticipated that it was going to rain. Next week, for a few days, the temperatures are going to be almost tropical and then we’ll have rain again. This crazy Dutch weather!

I’m sitting here dressed very warmly in my gray cardigan. I have the windows closed and the heater turned on because both the dog and I were cold. I will reverse all of that before I go back to bed. I like sleeping better in a cool bedroom. I just didn’t like sitting up feeling cold. I was desirous of warmth and so was the dog because he was shivering. He would after he had all of his curls cut off. He’s almost naked now.

He was sitting in front of the window for a long time this afternoon and I thought maybe he was contemplating his navel because there was nothing to see outside. Maybe he has a rich, secret inner life that requires a lot of pondering, although he’s really not the type for it because he’s way too optimistic and good natured. Maybe he has secret, happy thoughts. I can imagine that.

Sometimes the cat sits beside him and helps him look out the window. They both must be having the same fantasies while they stare into the distance at nothing at all. Not that much happens out in the street. Maybe it’s a form of meditation and it calms them down. Maybe I have animals that are into Buddhism the same as I am.

I think I will go to bed now. I do feel sleepy and I think it’s time. I hope I don’t feel the need to get up again tonight. It would be awfully misguided.




Staying up past my bedtime…

I tried to go to sleep, I really did. I made an honest effort and laid under the duvet with my eyes closed and my body as relaxed as I could get it. Then the animals started cavorting on the bed as if I wasn’t in it. I pushed them both off and started the falling asleep process all over again, but it was to no avail. I just couldn’t reach that magical state of mind called slumber. I was wide awake for some reason and I knew I had to get up and start the process over again from scratch.

So here I’m sitting with a cup of coffee only slightly dopey, but full of good intentions. The dopiness is from the sleeping pills I took that didn’t quite work and that give me a pleasant feeling of a slight drug inducement. I’m yawning a little bit, but it’s not so bad that the tears are running down my face. I’m not sleepy, but pleasantly high, though not to the point that I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. It will wear off in a while like it always does. It’s just a temporary condition. I’d like to feel this way always. Talk about escapism.

My two pairs of jeans arrived this afternoon and I needn’t have worried about them being too tight because they fit just fine. As a matter of fact, the next time I order jeans, I can get them a size smaller easily. They truly are skinny jeans and these are hip huggers and I can pull them off and on without unbuttoning or unzipping them. I have no bottom and no thighs. I wore the one pair for the rest of the day and they were very comfortable. I felt skinny and like I had long legs. That was a whole new experience.

I can greatly recommend getting skinny jeans if they fit you. They are ever so flattering and then of course, I have all these tops to go with them. I put what I wore with them in the laundry tonight and will have to get something out of my closet in the morning that’s equally exciting. No doubt I will find something. I want to look sexy at my age. I haven’t for such a long time and I want to look attractive at least from a distance. Never mind what I look like up close, although I do my best for that too.

The dog was trimmed this morning and when the Exfactor brought him home he looked like another dog. He was cut so short that I hardly recognized him. He looked feistier and less cuddly and seemed to act that way too. Of course, he was super excited from his outing and took some time to settle down. I spent the rest of the day playing with him and cuddling him so we could bond again. He sure appreciated that and it worked well. I felt that we needed to re-establish our relationship because he was being so silly.

While the dog was gone, the cat walked all over the apartment looking for him and she greeted him extensively when he came home. She does miss him when he is gone, even though he can be such a pest.

I gave the dog his new dog food in the afternoon and it seems we have a winner with this one. He emptied his bowl in one fell swoop. He usually dawdles over his food and takes forever to finish it. I think he used to eat with reluctance and now he eats with an appetite.

Tonight was another British thriller night and we had a new episode of Inspector Linley. This started 6 months after he had lost his wife Helen to the shooting and he was drowning his sorrow in booze, but got over it by solving a particularly horrid case. I was spellbound and on the edge of my seat. I do love Inspector Linley and his sidekick Barbara. It was a thoroughly satisfying evening, but it does put me to bed late. I don’t know yet what’s on tomorrow night, but I hope it’s equally exciting.

By the way, I answer your comments by writing a reply comment. You can keep track of those by clicking on the little box beside ‘notify me of follow up comments.’  I’m not ignoring you. I don’t know a better way to reply.

I think I’ll go back to bed to sleep some more.

Have a good day when you get up.





>It wasn’t working…


I didn’t achieve my goal of sleeping six hours last night. I had really imprinted it in my mind before I went to sleep and had picked the time that I should have woken up at, but alas, it didn’t work out. 
First I woke up because I had to go to the toilet, which isn’t too bad because I can usually go back to sleep. Then I woke up from a cacophony of noise emanating from the radio instead of the usual gentle nighttime sounds that come from it. After I got over that shock and tried to get back to sleep, I was alerted by the dog who had taken one of my boots off the third shelf of the bookcase and was just planning on having a good chew on it. 
I gave up trying to get more sleep then because I was perfectly awake, but had slept only four and a half hours. I decided that would have to do and got up reluctantly not having achieved my goal. I’m going to try again tonight and every night and get as close as I can get. It must be doable if I have my mind set the right way. I will always aim for six hours. 
My psychiatrist thought my way of dealing with my sleep problem was the right way and he was glad that I didn’t want any new sleeping pills because he would have been very reluctant to give me any. I think I would have had to beg for them. He likes this approach much better and he was about to suggest it to me himself. 
We’re also going to not do anything with the rest of my medication, so there are to be no reductions for awhile. It is thought better to let me be in balance for now and have a steady time before we do any more of that. I’ve been bouncing up and down enough. It’s time for some peace and quiet. I can only agree to that.
My visit with my SPN went fine. She said she was glad to have the old me back. She was genuinely pleased about that. I was a reasonable woman again. I know I am because I feel that way myself.
Now I’m yawning again. I think I will sit in my armchair for a while and read my book and then go back to bed. I have lots of sleep to catch up on. 
Have a terrific day.

>Ease me gently into the morning…


I figure if I’ve managed to get 5 hours of sleep, I’ve done a damn good job and I allow myself to get up and walk into the living room to turn on the computer and from there proceed into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. I know how really awake I am by how well I perform this job. If I do it without the least frustration, I am most definitely ready to be up. 
This morning I made the coffee without the least amount of effort. I did it routinely, without giving it a thought and got the proportion of ground coffee just right. I don’t over optimistically spoon coffee into the paper filter anymore. I know that less is better to make a strong enough cup with this Dutch coffee.
I also know now at which time of the evening to go to bed to get the most out of my sleep. It isn’t very late and I’m certainly not going to go down in history as a party animal, but it is the most sufficient way for me to deal with my specific sleep requirements. It’s a good thing that I live alone and that I don’t have to be a companion to anyone late at night, because surely it wouldn’t work out. Our schedules would clash like crazy.
My dog knows when it’s time to go to bed. He gives me the warning signs and acts like my alarm clock to tell me it’s time to go. Around bedtime he sits and barks at me softly and won’t stop until I’ve gotten up and changed into my pajamas. Then I have to do my whole ‘going to bed routine’ while he follows me around the apartment, checking to make sure I do everything I’m supposed to do. He’s not happy until I’ve settled down under the duvet and he’s climbed onto the bed with me. 
Of course, every night we have the problem of the cat who wants to come on the bed also and who needs to be chased away by the dog. This is another endless routine that we go through and nobody seems to learn a lesson. The cat always comes and the dog always wants to assert his position and I always have to intervene. Maybe I should stop intervening and let them figure it out for themselves. I should stop rescuing the cat and let her fight her own fights. She needs a little bit of assertiveness training. 
I’ve stopped drinking coffee a while ago and have switched to lemonade. I’m going to take it and sit in my armchair for a while and read my thriller before I go back to bed to get some more sleep. The Exfactor is going to be here this morning and in the afternoon I’ve got appointments with my psychiatrist and my SPN.  I don’t want new sleeping pills. I think they mess me up too much during the day without working at night. I think the system I have now will suffice. 
Have a great day everyone!

>The most excellent time of the night…


I have slept four hours and am in good spirits. That is only one hour less than if I had taken my new sleeping pills, proving my point that they really don’t work. And I feel better waking up too, making me all the more happy. So, the psychiatrist was right in telling me yesterday not to take them anymore. I can only agree with him, besides, the less pills, the better. They all have side effects and I believe these ones made me grumpy and emotional during the day. I’ll have to see if today goes any better, but I assume it will. 
I am sat here with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes and all of my good intentions and a very good mood. I somehow want to act on them and make them count, but that’s hard to do in the middle of the night. I can’t perform good deeds or climb any mountains or make a trip around the world. If I were a billionaire I could maybe do some of these things impulsively. That’s a huge daydream I could get lost in and I just did. I do have to call myself to order. 
This very good mood I am in will have to be put to use some other way. I will just have to write a good post and try to get my good vibes across. 
There’s nothing nicer than sitting here in the middle of the night, feeling very good all by myself and wishing to share it with somebody else. If I could make your day seem brighter, I would be very happy. I would want your half empty glass to seem half full. I would want you to count all your blessings and be grateful for them, no matter how small they were.
But that sounds too evangelical and I don’t want to come across as someone like that. You get to decide those things for yourself. There is such a thing called self determination, after all, in which you choose your own destiny and the things you believe in along the way. You have to pick your own attitude and outlook. I can’t force you into one or the other. 
I’m now sitting here with a glass of cold milk and am thinking of all the ways a person can enjoy themselves if they can hang on to their good mood indefinitely. It seems to me that even the little things in life would be a joy to do if your mood was always good. Everything would be done without a struggle. I can’t count on such predictability. My moods are too changeable for that. They go through the whole range from high to low and back again in one day. Especially at this time of the year. I’m a wobbly woman. I need my own cheerleader section. 
I am taking my time writing this because I’m continually distracted by my own thoughts. It’s called daydreaming, I think. Sometimes I do a lot of that. I’m also developing a sore throat, which is surprising because as far as I know, I haven’t been exposed to anyone who is ill. Oh yes, one of the domestic helps had tonsillitis and was taking antibiotics for it. I hope I’m not getting sick. It would be a waste of a good weekend, but I suppose the timing would be good. I have nothing really important planned. 
I can actually say that I’m glad that it is Saturday. I’m going to take the day off and rest on my laurels. Oh yes, I do have to go to the tobacco shop. That will be my outing for the day then. I do look forward to the day. I get to pick out a new novel from the bookcase and I’m full of curiosity as to what it’s going to be. I feel like a thriller, but I don’t know if I have any left that are unread. Wish me luck at finding something good. 
Have a good day and stay out of trouble. 

>Is there no rest for the wicked?


Since it’s so very early in the morning, I won’t worry about how wicked I apparently am. I figure that I’ve got at least several hours before I have to face the truth of that question and by that time it may not be relevant anymore. I may have forgotten all about it. For now I will just enjoy these quiet hours that are given me in which to write this post and in which to announce as much nonsense as I can think of. I’m sure that if I let my mind take it’s silly course, it will come up with all sorts of good stuff, providing I don’t censor myself too much. 
I slept as much as I was able to, I woke up once and forced myself to go back to sleep, but that didn’t work the second time. The second time, my eyes popped open and I practically jumped out of bed, ready to get the coffee started in the kitchen and turn on the computer. I was as eager as a young puppy to get up and play. This not withstanding the fact that I had taken the new sleeping pills. Much good they do me. I slept 6 hours last night and now I slept 5 hours. I’m defying medical science. 
Nevertheless, It’s with a certain amount of contentment that I sit here and have my coffee and cigarettes. What better way to start the day. If the wicked can celebrate the early morning in that way, it pays to be wicked. The best thing is that I’m doing it at a clean desk because I uncluttered it yesterday. All I have left to do is sort out a stack of papers and I think half of them can go into the recycle box. 
I suddenly realized that I was working at a desk topped with unnecessary junk and took care of it in the shortest amount of time. I got rid of what had no business being there and rearranged everything else n a more pleasant manner. This suddenly gave me all sorts of space and I felt that my life was suddenly much less complicated. 
So, that’s all it takes to make your life simple. You simply take the clutter off your desk. It unclutters you mind at the same time. I’m going to apply this trick to the rest of my apartment and be free of worries. It will give me a Zen like environment free to contemplate my navel in.
Speaking of that, I haven’t taken the opportunity to contemplate my navel in a while and miss the exercise. Maybe that’s what’s missing in my life. I need to get back to my armchair to meditate in. Providing the pesky dog doesn’t bother me with requests for games with his ball and petting sessions and wanting to climb  on my lap to embrace me and lick my face. And that’s not even speaking of the cat who will want to get her time in also and infest my clothes with cat hair. The next time I will get a black cat to match my clothes. 
I’ve just about had all the coffee I want and have switched to cold milk. It does perk me up too with its nice chilled effect. It’s the nicest thing next to an ice cream sundae. Every glass is a treat. 
I’ve got to plan my day. The domestic help is coming because it’s Friday again, much to my surprise. But then it always is, isn’t it? I’m never prepared for Fridays. They always sort of sneak up on me. The week goes by in a whirl and then suddenly it’s the weekend and I always have mixed feelings about it. I wish I could get my head straight about that,
I’m not going to go and find the warmth and safety of my bed. I will stay up and start the day when the sun comes up. I will have to save whatever sleep I didn’t get until tonight.
Have a happy day!

>I say the glass is half full, darn it…


After having been in a pessimistic and foul mood for more than 24 hours, I decided yesterday afternoon to take matters into my own hands and to will myself to be optimistic and good natured again. I couldn’t stand the mood I was in and I could see that it was only hurting me and hindering my process at becoming a healthy and sane woman. That’s not what I wanted out of life. I didn’t want to be bitter and  p*ssed off angry. It just didn’t become me and I felt highly uncomfortable with it.
I decided to make my peace with my psychiatrist (the person I was most angry with) and to find out exactly how he wanted me to use the new sleeping pills along with the old ones. I wrote him a long and friendly email asking that question for one and soon afterwards I got an answer from him. He explained how he wanted me to use the sleeping pills and it was all very clear to me down the the minutest detail and it sounded reasonable to me. I never had understood that and had not gotten it clear from the beginning. I had been too busy being angry and p*ssed off.
It’s a policy that I can live with and I’ve agreed to give it an honest try, so last night I took the new sleeping pills along with the old ones and had a decent night’s sleep. I really slept until I was done sleeping and I made sure of that by staying in bed as long as possible. I’m training myself to be a good sleeper. That’s the whole purpose behind this exercise. Anyway…
I watched a very good episode of Inspector Linley last night. It was the one in which the new Helen died, which I thought  was incredibly sad because I liked her and it came so unexpected. I liked her much better than the old Helen and thought she was a real improvement. I had envisioned her being part of the series for a long time.
Now that I’m up and running, I’m going to take the dog for a long walk this morning. He does so enjoy them and it seems to take the rambunctiousness out of him. He is a young dog, after all, and needs his diversions. There’s nothing better to him than exploring new territory and peeing against new trees and bushes. Or at least, seldom used trees and bushes. It’s going to be another bright and beautiful day today and, although it’s still cold outside now, it will be nice to be out there. I’ll have to wear my scarf, though.
I’m expecting the Exfactor for coffee. He did the groceries earlier this week, bless his heart. I was almost out of everything, especially the milk. It’s sad to look in the refrigerator at the end of a week after the shopping has been done. There’s almost nothing in there and the cupboards are bare too. The Exfactor can only carry a week’s worth of groceries on the bike and even that takes a lot of juggling and careful packing away in the bags. And well inflated tires for all the weight he carries. Which reminds me that I have to pump up my rear tire, it’s a little low. I’m a star at pumping up tires, right!
I have to do chores today. I didn’t do a thing yesterday, recuperating as I was from my bad mood. There’s always some reason not to get your act together. 
Have a good day.