The Dueling Dutch Woman

The Adventures of a Middle Aged Dutch Woman

Archive for medication

>Over the hills and through the woods…


That’s not really where I’m going. I just felt like saying that. It’s in the middle of the night and I’m sure I’m not going through the woods now. That would be a bit scary even if I had a strong flashlight. My imagination would get a hold of me and I would think of The Blair Witch. Remember that movie? That was pretty gruesome. 
No, I’m staying right where I am, safely inside by the light of the desk lamp with my cup of coffee. I do know where life is good. That’s right here with my dog and cat. 
I’ve already slept and woke up writing a blog post in my head, but I’ve forgotten what it was about. I was formulating a sentence in my head as I became conscious. I had to immediately let the dog out back when I got up and go to the toilet myself, so by the time I turned on the computer, everything I had dreamed was forgotten. 
I just made myself a small pot of fresh coffee and am drinking the first cup now. For a change, I didn’t make it so awfully strong. That was a deliberate choice on my part as I often make the coffee too strong and get too wired. I only want to drink two cups and then switch to cold milk and go back to bed and sleep some more. 
I have to see my psychiatrist at 10 o’clock in the morning, so I do have to get up on time. I’ll even have to set the alarm clock.
My SPN told me yesterday that she is pregnant, so we had a happy talk about pregnancy and what I remembered about it. I’m thrilled for her and can’t wait to see her belly grow. I had already noticed that the last few times she was wearing the same roomy tops, but had not put two and two together. 
She’s going on maternity leave in October and that will be the end of our therapy together. I told her it’s all for a good cause. What can be a nicer reason than having a baby? I certainly can’t think of one. 
The Exfactor did manage to do the groceries after all yesterday, so I didn’t have to do without milk for too long a time. I drank glasses of water when I did. They made me feel a little sick to my stomach and I was happy when I could drink milk again. Plain water doesn’t seem to agree with me very well.
I picked up the Metamucil from the pharmacy and mixed a spoonful of that in a tall glass of water and I will hopefully notice the result soon. I’m planning on using it every day and will hopefully get the rewards of it every day. It will certainly be a relief if it works. 
It’s going to be a bright and sunny day and feel warmer than it actually is. That means I can wear the same clothes I wore yesterday and I’m glad because it was a good outfit and I felt comfortable in it. I wore my favorite dress.
As I lose weight, the clothes that I wear fit me better all the time, but some things get too big and sometimes that’s a shame because I’m attached to them.  I try to shrink them in the laundry, but I only have partial success with that. Some things just need to be put on the obsolete pile. There’s no help for it. 
I hope you’re all having a good night and those of you who are still up, I hope you are having a good evening. 

>My morning coffee…


For a change I slept through the night again and I’m much pleased. It always feels like such an accomplishment when I do. Going back to bed after I’ve let the dog out back in the middle of the night is quite an achievement, especially if I’m grumpy when I do and I really want a cup of coffee and a cigarette. I was able to resist the urge and go back to sleep. 
It is raining as I write this and as you know, I don’t mind that one bit. I’m very warm and cozy inside by the light of the desk lamp with my bathrobe on. I can think of worse things that could happen. Rain is not one of them. The dog is not nearly ready to go out and is sound asleep on the sofa. We can wait to go for a walk until this shower is over. Besides, we need the rain on our dusty and dry earth. I hope things get good and wet. 
I looked through the shelves in my closet yesterday and found many clothes that were to big. They were added to the already large stacks of other clothes that I had already taken out. I found some things that would fit and washed them and they are hanging on the drying rack in the bathroom. 
I’ve really decimated my wardrobe. It’s sad when you see what’s left over. I shouldn’t complain, though. There’s enough left to put together lots of outfits for now and I only have to worry about what I’m going to do in the wintertime. I’ll have to get some warmer clothes before that time. Not much, but something anyway. 
I’ll no doubt lose more weight before that time, so no action is required on my part now. I want to lose 5 kilos, but at the moment I’m not losing any weight. I’ll probably have to decrease one of my medications if I want to and that’s going to happen some time in the near future according to my psychiatrist. As soon as I’m stable enough, we’re going to give it a try. 
I’ve been stable for about two weeks now and that’s not a very long time yet. I’m grateful for it, though. It’s so much easier not to have those terrible ups and downs anymore. Those are the hardest things to deal with. It’s the unpredictability of the moods that makes it so difficult. It’s great when everything is on an even keel again and I’m pretty much stable throughout the day. 
I watched the Eurovision Song Festival last night and listened to many mediocre songs. The songs I really liked didn’t get the votes I hoped for. A typical song festival song won. That was predictable, of course. It is said, though, that the song festival does more for European cohesion than politics ever could. That’s something anyway. You wouldn’t think so with all the Eastern European countries voting for their neighboring countries. 
Tonight is the football match for the national championship. It will be very exciting to watch. I’m for FC Twenthe, of course. I couldn’t be for Ajax. I have to be for the Saxons with their familiar accent. It’s in the genetics. I’ll either watch it on television or listen to it on the radio with the danger that I’ll fall asleep during it. I still have to make a decision about that. It depends on how late I want to stay up. 
The sun just came out and it’s a good time to end this epistle. I’ll have to take the dog out shortly. I still need to take a shower and wash my hair before I’m presentable.
Have a good day all of you.

>When you don’t know any better…


Yesterday evening I watched inane television. Since it was Saturday evening, it was the only kind of television to watch. It is not thought that intelligent people watch television on a Saturday evening. It is expected that they are all otherwise engaged. Apparently only dull and desperate people watch television on Saturday evenings.
It was one way to pass the evening and I pretended to care very much and be interested. I watched it while I slowly ate my dinner in stages. That takes me a while and is a good distraction. I also played with the dog and petted the cat who decided to come lie on my lap. I do have other things to keep me occupied while I try not to get too disgusted by what is offered for my entertainment. 
The other option is turning the television off, but that is too silent and then I wouldn’t have anything to be exasperated with. Luckily, there are only commercials in between the programs, otherwise they would drive me crazy too. There are very few amusing ones and some of them make me want to throw a brick through the screen. Fortunately, I don’t have a brick handy. 
Some of them are an insult to my intelligence. But you can walk away from them until the next program starts and go to the toilet or be otherwise engaged. At one point, I just turned the darn thing off and went to bed and listened to the radio instead, which was broadcasting a football game between Milan and Rome. Some days you can’t win. Luckily, I was tired enough to fall sleep quickly, so I was spared most of that.
The only reason I was tired enough was because I had taken my ‘fall asleep medicines’ and once those stopped working, I was awake again. As I became conscious, I was writing a blog post in my mind, the gist of which I don’t remember now. That’s how much it occupies my mind in the middle of the night. I compose blog posts as I wake up. Beethoven must have composed music in his sleep. I assume he had pen and paper handy. 
I forgot to call the hairdresser yesterday to make an appointment while it was really necessary that I do. Now I’ll have to wait until Tuesday because they are closed on Monday. I have a terrible head of hair that needs a lot of hairspray to keep it in place. The dog leaves the bathroom when I apply it and waits in the hallway. He doesn’t do that when I apply my deodorant. Of course, I don’t use copious amounts then. 
The cat escaped into the stairwell yesterday and stayed away for half an hour. Finally she showed up at the front door again where she waited patiently until I opened it. She does once in a while look for an opportunity to make her escape. I don’t know what she does in the stairwell but she always goes way to the top. I refuse to chase her and always rightly guess that she’ll show up again. Every once in a while she escapes though the outside door, but she just walks around the block end enters the apartment through the cat flap in the back door as if it is no problem. Luckily, she is a bright cat. 
The dog doesn’t know what to do with himself when the cat has escaped. He thinks it’s weird and misses her because he knows she’s gone through the front door. He keeps going there to see if she’s not back yet. Then when I let her in, he pretends that he won’t let her and tries to push her out again as if he’s not happy with her company. God forbid she should not show up one day. He’d miss her badly.
It’s with some amount of reluctance that I bring this to an end. I don’t want to make this too long and I have to think about going to bed. I am yawning, so maybe I’ll be asleep again in no time. There’s always the radio to listen to. I’m sure there will be no football games on now. 
We’re still expecting some rain today and it will be most welcome, I just hope there will be enough to really make a difference. A really good shower should do. 
Have a good morning. 

>Managing my life…


After going to bed at a not too indecent time last night, I did manage to sleep until a decent enough time this morning. I actually woke up because I had a terrible pain in my knee and was dreaming about furniture oil to oil my knee with. It hurt because of the way I had been sleeping with it: slightly bent and with my other leg on top of it. Once I got up out of bed, it was much better. I was not crippled and could use it normally. 
I don’t know if I’ve had enough sleep, but I’ll assume that I did and start the day accordingly. I’ve had my first cup of coffee and I’ve taken my medicines. The pills that are so necessary to my functioning well, especially lately. I still have to make a new pot of coffee because the coffee I drank was left over and heated up in the microwave. It was the easiest thing to do first thing when I got up. Yes, it’s terrible, but I’ll make a great pot of coffee next. 
Today, after two weeks, I’m finally seeing my psychiatrist and my SPN. It’s been so very necessary that I talk to them and I’ve been unable to. That’s been the hardest thing about all of this: to not have their feedback. There’s been no phone or email contact or anything. I’ve had to invent the wheel on my own. It’s been tough going and I hope not to be in that position again. To be without help from both of them at the same time. The timing was excruciatingly wrong.
Having just written that down, I’m already a bundle of nerves because I have to deal with the problems of the last two weeks. I don’t know if I’m up to it. I would like to forget everything and start over from scratch, but of course I can’t. Things must be dealt with. 
I would like to write something very cheerful now and get my thoughts off serious things. I can tell you that the sun is shining and that the sky is blue. I have to think about what to wear today. It has to be practical and good looking at the same time and not too warm to wear. Is that a feat or what? The possibilities are endless and it boggles my mind. It will take some pondering over. 
Right, I’ll get the show on the road. 
Have a good day.

>On a sleepless night…


That’s not quite right. I have slept already, but was awoken by my need to go to the toilet and you know that I can hardly ever go back to sleep once I’m up. I’m full of curiosity and life and ready to have a cup of coffee and a cigarette and to sit behind the computer and have my nightlife. These are the most exciting times of the day and night, when I feel mighty good and very full of myself. If I were in a position of power, I would send out all sorts of decrees and sign new laws into action. I would probably do my best and most innovative thinking. I would make short shrift of any nonsense. 
Not being in that position, I will just have to limit myself to my own little world and make the best of it there. At least I will do whatever I want with the best of cheer, because that’s the kind of mood I’m in. No doubt the pot of strong coffee is helping me get there and I’m drinking it eagerly before it becomes overheated and bad tasting. I’ve found a way to make the coffee just strong enough without making it too bitter and I’m taking full advantage of it. It perks me up tremendously and keeps my mood upbeat for a long time. It’s like drinking espressos without having to drink it from a tiny little cup and I take it with milk, lessening the strong impact of it somewhat. 
Taking the Temazepam during the day has helped me tremendously and I spend the day with a much greater sense of peace. I go to sleep easier too and sleep better and don’t have such complicated dreams. There’s a tremendous amount of relief in feeling the stress fall away from me and being able to relax and truly looking forward to going to bed with peace in my heart and not as an escape from the day. I think it’s been a brilliant move on my part, but I’ll have to find out how my psychiatrist thinks about it. No doubt he’ll be a party pooper about it. 
I’m wallowing in the good mood of the moment and can only think of ways to bring it to expression. It’s impossible without falling into repetition. I can only hope that this is a turn around moment and that my mood continues to be good from this point onward. It would be ever so nice if I woke up in the morning and immediately had the courage that I now have to try and find after several cups of coffee and much soul searching and many false starts. I hope I stop to see the world as a hostile place and find that I can move around easily in it again. 
Nothing can spoil my night, however, and it isn’t nearly done yet. I’m only at the beginning of it. There’s much nighttime living to be done yet. I do have to savor these quiet, peaceful hours that are so filled with good vibes.
I hope you’re all having a peaceful night too.

>Fooling my brain….


I’m up again during the night and taking advantage of the fact that I feel as good as I do. I’ve had two cups of coffee that have helped me straighten out my brain and helped me think straight and I will switch to a nice glass of cold milk next. I’m in as much anticipation of that as a kid is of an ice cream cone. That’s how much I like cold milk. The fact that it’s nutritious is an added extra, although I would not drink it if it were just empty calories.
Yesterday, I dealt with my ever increasing stress by taking 20 mg Temazepam at regular intervals and it calmed me down very well. It really took the edge off and made me not suffer from my own nerves so much. I’m planning on doing that again today the moment the stress starts to hit again. It’s such a relief to feel it almost completely disappear and to be able to sit in silence and tranquility. And most importantly, to be able to walk the dog with a peaceful heart, as that had become an almost unbearable chore. 
I’m to the point now that I will do whatever I can to get peace of mind as the stress is something I find I can not cope with. It eats me up. If I were a candidate for ulcers, I would have a couple of them now. It causes a tremendous amount of anxiety that I can not live with and that makes me neurotic in all areas of my life. It influences my thought processes and forces me to make the wrong decisions.
At any rate, I’m sitting here now feeling fairly normal and I’m making myself some more coffee to fight off the feelings of sleep. It is Sunday today and there is time enough to go to bed. I don’t quite want the night to end yet. I want to enjoy it as long as possible because it’s the longest stretch that I feel good without taking any medication. 
I made the coffee strong and it tastes very good. It is almost as good as having  an espresso. It puts hair on your chest, whether you want it or not. It’s pure indulgence and to get the most effect out of a cup. I’ll have to drink it as quickly as I can while it is still fresh in the can. That’s when it tastes best. There’s nothing worse than overheated coffee. I’m already working on my second cup, granted that my cup is not a mug by any standard. It’s got my name on it so I know who I am. That could be confusing so early in the morning. 
I wish I had the kind of courage I have at night during the day. Life would be so much simpler. 
It’s going to be another warm summer day in April today without any rain, although we need it badly. Next week the weather is going to change completely and we will have lower temperatures and rain, which will be more normal for the time of year. It will mean dressing in layers again. I’m more than willing to do this because walking around skimpily dressed is not something I’m all that comfortable with. I’m not all that happy when it’s too warm. I like moderate temperatures, I don’t mind when it’s not all that hot. 
The farmers need the rain for their crops and nature needs the rain too as there are now fire danger zones. The traditional Easter Bonfires have to be canceled because there’s to much danger of a wildfire breaking out. They are a tradition that goes back thousands of years, so it’s a big deal when they are canceled.
I’m not having any chocolate for Easter, not even one tiny little milk chocolate egg. It’s for the best because I don’t need the calories and if faced with a whole basket of them, I would feel compelled to eat every one of them. I know no measure when it comes to chocolate. It’s best when I don’t have any around. To me it’s just another weekend with an extra day off on Monday which we call Second Easter Day. It’s an extra long weekend, that’s nice. 
I will mess around with my blog templates next. I’m not quite happy with what I’ve got now and I have time to do something about them now. I’m full of caffeine, after all. 
I hope you will all have a good Easter Sunday.

>Taking advantage of the mood…


If it hadn’t been for the dog gently waking me up because he had to go out, I would still be asleep, I am convinced of it. Once I stood by the back door in the cool night air waiting for him to get done, I was awake and ready to stay up. I tried to go back to bed and fall asleep again, but I was unsuccessful. My brain was functioning and ready to do something active. 
The fact that the dog was on the bed also licking my face didn’t help. He wanted me to get up and keep him company. He always wants a certain amount of attention in the middle of the night as if we have to re-bond again. He is a spoiled dog. He’s used to my funny schedule and thinks that is normal and he wants me to stick to it. If I sleep too long, he becomes concerned and wakes me up. He’s sound asleep on the coffee table now. 
I may as well take advantage of the good mood that I always have during the night and that seems to be so elusive during the day. It is only present in little chunks of time, but seems very hard to keep a hold of. I struggle most of the day and fight off the feeling of depression for a lot of it. I’m not really happy until the evening when the sun comes down and I feel that I can relax and put my pajamas on. I find life to be mostly a struggle of trying to stay balanced and being unable to.
At night I am relaxed and even tempered and I feel that I can be myself without any of the stress that I feel during the day. Obviously, I’m a nighttime person. It’s mostly the fact that I have a dog that needs to be walked that forces me up and about during the day. I’d gladly spend a large time of the day in my lounge wear taking a nap whenever the mood struck me. That would be mostly when my mood became unbearable and I could not see the forest for the trees. 
I would very much like to take some medication during the day that would take the stress away that’s almost constantly gnawing at me and that prevents me from functioning well. I’m getting tired of the struggle and don’t want to do it anymore. There has to be an easier way. 
I think I will go back to bed now and get some more sleep. The worst part is that when I wake up, the day will have started. I’ll have to arm myself against it. Somehow I have to make it through it and make the best of it, no matter the thoughts in my head.