The Dueling Dutch Woman

The Adventures of a Middle Aged Dutch Woman

Archive for middle of the night

Spending time quietly…

Of course, the darn dog woke me up again and I had to get him quiet as quick as possible. We kept it to one outburst and that was more than enough. It does immediately wake me up out of a sound sleep. I’m as alert as can be and practically jump out of bed. All my senses are at the ready and I can’t go back to sleep once I’ve settled him down. I think my presence reassures him and that’s what makes him relaxed enough to mellow out again. He’s now chewing on his rawhide bone and being totally unaware of everything. That’s how I like that.

I’ve made myself some coffee to clear the cobwebs from my mind. I do want to be able to think clearly when I write a post.

Much to my surprise, I’m now able to get my denim skirt off without undoing the buttons or the zipper. I did it quite by accident the other night like I used to with my other skirts when they got too big on me. I can get it back on the same way. It does save me some work. I had washed it and thought that maybe it was going to be a little tight on me, but I needn’t have worried.

This has prompted me to order some skinny jeans in a smaller size. I can wear them with all sorts of clothes and make many combinations. At least, that’s what I envision in my mind. I do look forward to getting them on Thursday and trying these things out.

I still haven’t been on the bathroom scale first thing in the morning in my underwear. I keep forgetting to get on it before I have eaten anything, but I’ll let how my clothes fit be the indicator. I’m still curious about the weight I’ve lost and I’ll try to remember to weigh myself this morning first thing when I get up again.

I don’t want to seem obsessed with my weight and my clothes, but when you have lost as much weight as I have, it is a big deal. Especially when you come within reach of your goal. I have lost more than 100 lbs. That’s as much as a skinny person. I wouldn’t be able to lift 100 lbs. Just think that I had been carrying all that weight with me. No wonder I had lower back problems.

Today is going to be a splendidly empty day. It will only be filled with laundry and walking the dog and getting the mail out of the mailbox. Isn’t that just great? And I don’t expect any important mail either. I took care of that yesterday and took care of my paperwork too. A lot of that could go into the recycle box.

Tonight starts a month full of British detective series every night. I can’t wait and I’m so thrilled about it. They must have known that I was starved for thrillers. We will have Silent Witness, Frost, Case Sensitive, Lewis and some other newer series. Oh yes, the Swedish Wallander too. My cup runneth over. You know what I will be doing every evening. I will not be bored. Thank goodness for small favors.

I’m getting tired and have to go back to bed. The early birds are singing.

Have a good day, all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

 

 

 

An honest effort…

I woke up in a sweat with my hair all wet. I don’t know why, it’s not that warm in here and the bedroom window was open. They say it’s good to sleep with a cool head, that you sleep better then. That certainly didn’t apply to me tonight. I had a hot and sweaty head and woke up from it. I felt like laying a bag of frozen peas on it, but it’s cooling off as I sit here now with my cup of coffee and my hair is drying up. I think I will not wear socks when I go back to bed next. Maybe I should go to bed naked.

I took refuge in my bed early tonight because staying up was too much of an effort. The ‘black dog’ was breathing down my neck and making me think unpleasant thoughts that i was not in the mood for thinking. They were totally useless and unnecessary thoughts and served no purpose whatsoever. The only thing they did was get me down. I could think of only one escape and that was safely lying in bed listening to the radio. Luckily, that was almost enough of a diversion until I went to sleep.

Sleep is the only true diversion from my thoughts and when I wake up, I feel better for at least a while afterwards. Such are its restorative powers.

The Exfactor was here yesterday and he bought me a loaf of sliced white bread and a box of dark chocolate sprinkles. Now, when I have a craving, I have a slice of bread with that on it and I feel so good. It’s like manna from heaven. It satisfies my deepest longings. That’s the craving I always get when the ‘black dog’ is visiting. At least the gastric band limits how many of these slices of bread I can eat. I’m not a lost cause altogether.

There’s a part of me that wants to be upbeat and happy and that wants to fight against the downbeat and dark side of me. That must be because it’s the middle of the night and there’s room for both of them. It would be the only time that there were. I don’t feel this way during the day.

I just let the dog out back and stood outside by the back door. It was so nice and cool out there. It was very refreshing. I feel properly chilled now and am going to have to put on my bathrobe. There was moonshine with just a few clouds and no wind, just cold night air. It would have been nice to have gone for a walk in it, but I’m too chicken to do it.

In spite of everything, yesterday went by quickly. There was some respite in the form of television, but I was put off by what I saw on the news and the weekly chat with the prime minister who’s as slippery as an eel. My toes curl when I listen to him talk. He’s so very much not my favorite person. I wouldn’t shake his hand if I met him.

There’s a lot of nonsense on television in the summer season which has already started. It’s when you have to push the off button and refuse to watch it. It’s the negative aspect of summertime.

I’m going to have to go back to bed.  I’m not really ready to, but I don’t know what else to do. There’s no other sort of trouble I can get into. I’m going to have to be well behaved.

Ciao,

Nora

 

 

 

 

 

An intruder…

I think I detect the presence of an intruder. One I’m not happy with at all. I think it is the ‘Black Dog’ come to make my life a little more miserable. I noticed him first yesterday afternoon when I tried to write a post and found that I couldn’t do it. Try as I might. After that unsuccessful attempt, I walked my own dog and I felt the “Black Dog’ on my heels, following me wherever I went.

I tried to ignore him at first, but realized that was futile and that is was best to recognize his presence. It’s best to face him head on and to not furtively try to escape him. With that realization came a feeling of relief because I felt that I knew my enemy and that I was familiar with the situation. I know what to do. I’ve handled this before.

I feel a huge amount of tiredness and I have an ‘oh, I don’t care attitude,’  but I mustn’t let that get the overhand, of course. I will mollycoddle myself to some extent and be extra kind to myself and go out of my way to do extra nice things that will make me feel good. Everything does seem an effort, though, and I am going to have a hard time fulfilling some of my duties.

I crave chocolate sandwiches and wish I had some real chocolate sprinkles in the cupboard. I have bread in the freezer. That’s something I ought not to do, however. It would be foolish to give into that craving, no matter how comforting it would be. I guess that’s what I want, real comforting food.

What I want more than anything is to be safe and that means being inside the apartment and not going anywhere. It also means that I want to sleep a lot, but that’s not possible because after a while you’ve slept all you can. There’s only a certain amount of that you can do. I do still like being up in the middle of the night, although it’s not the same cheerful experience that is usually is. It’s still of some comfort to me, though.

But I refuse to dwell only on the negative and must find something positive to write about.

Yesterday it actually rained. Several times the heavens opened up and the rain came falling straight down from them. Each time I thought I would have to start building an ark and then just as suddenly the rain stopped and the sun came out again.

Well, I’m sorry, that’s just about as positive as I can get right now. I keep having visions of different kinds of foods in my head that are all unobtainable to me.  I guess that when I get depressed, I think about food a lot.  I not only think about it, I want to eat it too. What I need now is a car and a 24 hour supermarket.

I just ate a bowl of vanilla pudding and that took care of the worst cravings.  My stomach is full now.

I don’t seem to be boiling over with enthusiasm. Everything is on the back burner. I would love to be more lively and a little bit more animated. Instead I feel like a big dull lump. I’m just about as unmovable.

I suppose I will give this another try tomorrow and see how I feel then. Maybe a good night’s rest will help.

Ciao,

Nora

 

 

When I have something to say…

It’s in the middle of the night and I’m sitting here with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes. I don’t actually know if I have something to say, but I’ll give it my best shot. I feel that I have to be somewhat productive in the nighttime, as I always claim that this is when my head is most clear. And it it is, but I just may be short of subjects to write about. Not that many things happen in my life so I always have to think very hard about what I will discuss. The tiniest details matter.

Yesterday went by in a flash just like Saturday did. The day was over before I knew it. Of course, I slept late in the morning and took about an hour to wake up properly in my armchair with several cups of coffee while I watched a literary program on TV. What used to be one of my favorite writers was on, but that was in a former life when my tastes were a little different. However, he discussed a book of travel stories he had written that sounded interesting and I do love travel stories if they are told well and no doubt he did. His name is Cees Nooteboom and he is translated in many languages. I can recommend him heartily. His novel ‘In the Dutch Mountains’ is very good.

My sister called and invited me over, so I had to get ready and walk the dog before I could leave. Luckily, the weather was nice enough, although it wasn’t especially hot. I did have to wear my cardigan, but I also had to wear sunglasses. I rode my bike over there in a stiff breeze, but in my sister’s garden things were pleasant and warm. I drank cappuccinos and had some Italian cookies and we ate a bowl of cherries. I admired the growing things and saw how much good the rain had done to the garden. Some plants had completely perked up and started to flower.

My sister very animatedly told me the complete plot of an Italian movie they had seen and she did such a good job that I feel that I’ve seen the movie, but also that I feel that I want to go see it myself. She’s made me very curious.  The name of the movie is ‘Mine Vaganti.’

When I got home, I watched the last two quarters of the field hockey game for the European championship and the Dutch club won. It wasn’t a very exciting game and they won with a penalty shot. After that, I took the dog for a walk because he had been waiting patiently. It looked like it was going to rain, but it didn’t. It is going to today, however. We’re going to have showers anyway, which is too bad for a holiday. There are several cultural festivals going on around the country and they sure can’t use the rain.

Today will be a nice and quiet day at home. I have nothing special planned and it is a relief to me. I look forward to the peacefulness.

I’m going back to bed.

Have a great day you all.

Ciao,

Nora

In the safety of the night…

I’m writing this in the safety of the night with the aid of my cup of coffee and my cigarettes. Life wouldn’t be complete without them. Without my addictions that one day I will get over. I am sure of that. When I’m an old lady I will drink decaffeinated coffee and smoke smokeless cigarettes, the kind that work on loadable batteries. I just haven’t quite figured out the timing yet.

Anyway, I’m sitting here in the safety of the night, very cozily by the light of the desk lamp. I’ve got my pajamas and my socks on and the reason I’ve got my socks on, is because I’ve gotten into the habit of richly anointing my feet with well scented lotion every night before I go to bed. I not only anoint my feet, but my legs and arms and hands as well, especially the rough patches. I go to sleep slippery and smelling very nicely.

It’s become a regular ritual that I look forward to and thanks to a good friend, who spoiled me with some big tubes of very good scented lotions, I won’t run out very soon. After that, I have a whole big bottle of baby lotion. I didn’t realize it was such fun to spoil myself this way. My feet especially seem to benefit from this treatment as the roughness is getting a lot better and they are slowly turning smoother. I will have lily white soft feet yet.

So, I am taking care of my feminine duties after all and turning into a real woman. It comes with age, I think. I realized I have to take care of this middle aged body and help it along a little bit. Facial creme is next. Plain soap and water won’t do anymore. I’ll soon get wrinkles and I’ll have to start that battle. But I’m not going out and buying some expensive product that has some sort of expensive ingredient. I will get the plainest creme I can find.

As I’m writing this at a snail’s pace, it is slowly turning into morning and before long  the early birds are going to sing. Actually, I think I already hear the first ones.  They always make me feel that I should be in a rush and finish writing because I ought to get back to bed to get some more sleep. I’ve already switched to drinking milk and have left the coffee far behind me. Coffee is okay for the first two cups, but after that I’ve had enough. I’m always more than wide awake by then and ready to settle down again.

I’ll take my medicines and go back to bed. The Exfactor is going to be here some time later this morning to do the groceries. I want to be up and dressed before he gets here. We’ve been separated 3 years this month and it is unseemly to be seen in my pajamas by him. Besides, I don’t look my best in them.

I hope you’ll all have a good day. It’s going to be cloudy and cool here.

Ciao,

Nora

Freshly brewed coffee…

It is in the middle of the night and I am having a very tasty cup of coffee and a cigarette. Who could possibly ask for more? Yes, I would like a bowl of ice cream, vanilla if you please, but that is just a passing craving that I’ll get over.  I will have a glass of cold milk later on and that will take care of that. Glasses of cold milk are usually the answer to any kind of craving I may have. They are the perfect solution and satisfy me completely.

Yesterday we had a thundershower that brought gentle rain that fell for several hours. It wasn’t a lot of rain and I don’t know if it ended the drought, but it was very pleasant to listen to and very refreshing. It cooled things off a little bit. I fell asleep instantly listening to it when I took my afternoon nap and it was still coming down when I woke up.

I took the dog for a walk in it without wearing a jacket, that’s how gently it came down, and I didn’t mind getting wet. It certainly made everything smell good. Today we are supposed to have some spotty showers and I do hope they come about. I like the rain and we need it. I like going for walks in it, especially when it’s not cold outside.

It can’t ruin my hairdo, as I have such short hair that there’s not much to ruin. All I have to do is let it dry the natural way or rub it dry with a towel depending on how wet it gets. I also imagine that the rain is good for my skin, but I don’t know how true that is. I don’t know how much it’s influenced by air pollution.

Yesterday was a very non eventful day. You could say that it was a day as I like it. It was a typical low key Sunday. The highlight of the day was the tennis match between Nadal and Federer. I ended up rooting for Federer after all since he was the underdog. Of course, Nadal won.

In the evening, I was sitting slumped in my armchair for a long time and when I got up I had a terrific pain in my back in the usual spot. I had a heck of a time getting up and was like a little old lady when I tried to move around. There’s something to be said for sitting in your chair properly. I took some pain medication and went to bed on my fairly firm mattress and now the pain is gone. That bed of mine is good for my back. It always makes things better.

Today is not my favorite day with both my personal helper and the domestic help going to be here, but I have to see it through, little as I like it. Maybe there will be a day when I will appreciate them better again, especially my personal helper. I think she’s the one I have the most problems with. I don’t like her presence here.

I’ve got to go back to bed for some more hours of sleep. I’ll have to set the alarm clock so I’ll be coherent when the personal helper gets here. She always does expect me to be ready for a conversation the minute she walks in. There’s no gentle prelude.

Have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

 

 

Just give me more coffee…

I’m not really awake yet. As far as I’m concerned it’s all an illusion that I’m sitting here behind the computer. Or a dream I’m having, but it does seem awfully real. I’ve made a pot of coffee in order to wake up and I hope it’s going to happen any minute now. I’ve nearly finished my first cup and reality should dawn on me soon.

I feel I’ve only briefly been asleep and that’s probably true because I didn’t go to bed until after midnight. I watched comedy on television and it was good. I actually laughed and was very amused. That doesn’t happen very often and I was left with a good feeling. Thinking back on it, I can instantly recall that good feeling and smile again.

I’m drinking my second cup of coffee and I think I’m awake now. I’ve ceased yawning and I can think clearly. Things no longer seem like an illusion. That’s a relief. It’s good to be back amongst the living. It felt a little strange to be so disconnected. It is much better to be in touch again. Now the night feels just like any other ordinary night.

There was going to be a good British thriller on after midnight, but I decided I shouldn’t stay up that late. It was an episode of the series ‘Taggart.’ I’ve never watched it, but it seemed interesting and gruesome enough. It must always be on late at night for me to have never seen it. They must save the real scary stuff for then.

All that’s on for thrillers on Wednesday nights right now is ‘Midsommer Murders.’  That’s amusing enough and I always watch it, but I miss ‘Inspector Linley.’ I’m waiting with bated breath for the new episodes and for other British thrillers such as ‘Silent Witness.’ I can’t wait to see what the new season will bring.

I shouldn’t wish for that too much, though, because it won’t start until the fall and we first have summer to get through and enjoy. I mustn’t dismiss summer because it will be over fast enough and I will be sorry when it is. I want to enjoy every day of it. It already started yesterday when we had temperatures of 29C. Luckily, inside the apartment it stayed nice and cool, so I didn’t suffer too much. It was only bad when I had to walk the dog in the hot sun and out of the breeze.

I wore a summer dress that I’d only worn one time before and it fit a lot better because I’d lost weight. It looked a lot nicer too. I felt more comfortable in it and not so shy about going out in it. It was very cool to wear and exposed a lot of skin. I will get a tan in it. But today we are supposed to get a few thunder showers and on Monday it’s supposed to rain.

It won’t be so hot then and that’s okay with me. I like the milder temperatures. I doesn’t have to be so hot for me. The problem is that it also gets humid and that’s no pleasure. I’m used to the dry heat of California. That’s much more bearable.

Today I’m going to watch the men’s final at Roland Garros. I think it is on in the afternoon. I watched the women’s final yesterday. I was rooting for both people. I didn’t have a favorite. It should be an exciting game today. I will root for Nadal.

I’m going back to bed. I’ve got a lot of sleeping left to do. The early birds are singing and I will go to sleep listening to them.

I hope you will all have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora