The Dueling Dutch Woman

The Adventures of a Middle Aged Dutch Woman

Archive for milk

A new book…

I’ve been laying in bed for a couple of hours reading a new novel (The Hotel New Hampshire by John Irving) but I was not able to fall asleep. I got very caught up in the story and was unable to put the book down. It’s another one I’ve read before, but this time it’s long enough ago that I’ve forgotten a lot about it and it’s like reading a brand new book in a lot of ways. I do remember certain events as I read them, but not in great detail. It must be at least 25 years ago since I read this novel first.

As a result, I have to pay attention better and it’s taking me longer to read it. I can’t very smoothly get through it. The sometimes shocking things that happen in it do trip me up. It maybe is not such a good idea to read it in bed before going to sleep because it keeps me awake. I’m too unaware of what’s going to happen next and expect the worst. In John Irving’s novels the worst does happen.  I finally put the book away, but I was too wide awake to go to sleep. I’m hoping that sitting here for awhile will make me sleepy so I can go back to bed. I think that will happen sooner rather than later.

I’ve had one cup of coffee and am now drinking milk. A tall cool glass of it. I had the coffee to straighten out my head, it was so filled with images of that novel. It was like I had been immersed in a film and disconnected from reality. That’s the hard part about reading novels. You do need to reattach yourself to the real world around you. I always feel separated from it. I suppose I dislike that. I don’t like to be out of touch with reality and lost in make believe. Some books really do that to you.

It’s not been a bad day when you consider that ‘The Black Dog’ is still lurking in the background. He’s keeping a bit quiet, but he is there and growling occasionally to remind me of his presence. I’m doing much better than I was two days ago, so whatever I’m doing is the right thing.  That’s treating myself as kindly as I possibly can and not letting myself get pulled down by negative thinking. I don’t analyze myself or my situation. I find distraction helps the best.

I’m going back to bed. I hope you’re all having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

 

Awake, am I…?

I would really and truly be sound asleep still if the dog had not woken me up, of that I am convinced. He did have to start barking and in my sleep I thought I had to remove something from his throat to make the barking stop. That’s until I woke up and I realized that was not possible and he just wanted to tell me that he had to go out back for a piddle.

Darn dog. He does have bad timing. I considered going back to bed, but then decided to stay up for a while and have my coffee and write this post. It’s good to sit here half asleep in a stupor and to try to make sense. It’s a bit of a challenge that I’m willing to take on. I do like that half awake state of being I’m in anyway. I feel sort of dopey and it’s very pleasant to force myself into the mental activity that I’m almost not up to.

No doubt I’ll be better up to it once the coffee starts working and that will be a whole different experience too. You see how I like to play with the different states of my mind and live vicariously through all of them. As long as I’m good natured, I see no problem. And good natured  I am, make no mistake about it.  As a rule, I’m not foul mooded when I wake up.

Yesterday was a fine day. It went by quickly and I enjoyed t well enough. The Exfactor was here to do the groceries and he stopped by the pet shop to buy the dog another rubber toy. It was a great success. It is a rooster instead of a rabbit like he had the last time and he’s very busy chewing it to pieces. I don’t know how long it will last, but he’s having a very good time with it.

Thank goodness there’s milk again and I can have tall glasses of it. That’s what I missed most of all. All the rest of the groceries I didn’t care about.  Not that they weren’t necessary, of course. I’ve stopped eating chocolate pudding and now have vanilla pudding instead. I thought it might be a little lower in calories. I eat the same amount every day, so maybe I will see the difference on the bathroom scale. I keep forgetting to get on it first thing in the morning in my underwear, so I don’t know exactly what I weigh now.

My psychiatrist called me and had expected me to have reduced the anti-psychotics by half a milligram starting last Friday. I had to be honest with him and tell him that I had reduced them with a full milligram two weeks ago. He was not that happy with me for taking such a chance and for not informing him earlier that I had done so. Luckily, it had a good outcome, but it very easily also could not have had. He is trying to instill in me the precariousness of my situation and the danger of slipping into an instable mood. I’m not to undertake these actions on my own.

I’m going to stay on the dose that I am on now for a while and make sure I’m completely stable. In a few months we’ll try to reduce it more. I really feel good and have no problems with my moods. I’m not going up and down and generally feel the same every day. I’m quite content with how I feel and have no complaints. I would always like to feel this good. I think what I did was the right thing. I did it instinctively and I don’t feel like I’ve made a mistake. I would have gone back to the original dose if there had been a problem.

This morning at 9 o’clock my personal helper is going to be here because she couldn’t be here on Monday. I’m looking forward to it with mixed feelings. She can help me do the dishes, so that’s good. We can walk the dog together. I don’t know what else to do with her except pass the time as well as possible.

We’re supposed to have spotty showers today, but the temperatures are going to be good. It’s not at all going to be cold. I’m looking forward to the day because, except for my personal helper, the rest of the day will be very uneventful. That’s just the way I like it. I don’t really enjoy being up that early in the morning, I like sleeping later than that, but I’ll take my usual nap in the afternoon to make up for it.

I’ve got my clothes picked out and they are very comfortable and just right for this kind of weather. I’ve been wearing my high tops because it’s so nice to walk in them and they’re easy to get on. My hair has been especially no nonsense and I’ve had to do hardly anything to it in the morning. I just run my fingers through it and it’s in place. I guess it’s just the right length now.

I suppose I’ll go back to bed for a few hours. I can get a little bit of sleep yet.

I hope you’ll all have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

Can’t get my act together…

I laid in bed for two hours and couldn’t fall asleep. I tried my best by listening to the radio and being relaxed, but sleep would not come. I finally said, “The heck with that,” and got up and made myself some coffee. Now I will sit here until I get good and tired, although I am somewhat in a slightly sleep induced state of mind now. It just wasn’t enough to make me fall asleep. I had too many thoughts going through my head and the radio only distracted me more.

It must have been the subject matters that were discussed because they were all about problem areas in the world and what should be done about them and I felt very frustrated in not being able to do anything at all except being very well informed and knowing what I’m talking about. It might have been better to put on a CD by Erica Satie and have listened to his very soothing piano music. He was considered eccentric in his day and age, but I think he is perfect for this century.

I watched and listened to a repeat of the Prinsengracht concert this afternoon of 2010 and it was very lovely. The 30th one will be held this year and it is always a big happening that everyone looks forward to. There’s always a big soloist and a good soprano who sings arias. It’s held on a podium in a canal in the middle of Amsterdam surrounded by people in boats and on the docks and bridges. It’s got a good atmosphere and is a fine evening. There’s a sing along at the end. Young and old go to watch it. It gets you in a fine mood.

We had a brief shower this past evening when I was lying in bed. It sounded very cozy and I hoped it would last a while, but it was over in a few minutes. That was a short lived joy. It barely got the ground wet and didn’t amount to much. That was the rain that was predicted. It should have been a few showers like there are supposed to be today but I won’t hold my breath for them. We here in the very southern part of the country don’t always get the rain that is predicted. A lot of it passes by to the north of us.

I’ve run out of milk and have had to drink orange juice. Since this does not agree with my stomach so well, I’ve had to take stomach tablets that reduce the acid. Luckily, they work. I won’t get new milk until this morning when the Exfactor will get the groceries. I hope he doesn’t get here too late. Doing without milk is difficult. It’s such a soothing beverage for me.

Yesterday was the last day off. Today is not a holiday anymore, but not a lot is going to be happening. It will be a rather peaceful day and only my psychiatrist is going to call me to inquire about my state of mind. I will be able to tell him that it is good after having reduced the medication.  It’s the anti-psychotics that I’ve reduced and I feel fine. I did that two weeks ago and have had no bad effects from it. i have to reduce them one more milligram.

I’ve got to think about the clothes I’m going to wear tomorrow. It’s going to be cloudy but not too cold. Still, I’ll want to wear a cardigan. I want to wear my red one for the cheerfulness of it. I have to think about the rest of the clothes I want to wear with it. Or maybe I’ll pick something completely different. It depends on what skirt I can find to fit me. I washed the one that’s my favorite and it’s not dry yet. The possibilities dazzle my mind.

I’ve got to go back to sleep now and make sure I get up on time in the morning. I can’t stay in bed endlessly, much as I’d like to. Sometimes I do have to act like a responsible person and get up before I’m ready to. It’s really not as painful as I make it sound. It just hurts a little bit.

Have a good morning when you get up.

Ciao,

Nora

 

 

Freshly brewed coffee…

It is in the middle of the night and I am having a very tasty cup of coffee and a cigarette. Who could possibly ask for more? Yes, I would like a bowl of ice cream, vanilla if you please, but that is just a passing craving that I’ll get over.  I will have a glass of cold milk later on and that will take care of that. Glasses of cold milk are usually the answer to any kind of craving I may have. They are the perfect solution and satisfy me completely.

Yesterday we had a thundershower that brought gentle rain that fell for several hours. It wasn’t a lot of rain and I don’t know if it ended the drought, but it was very pleasant to listen to and very refreshing. It cooled things off a little bit. I fell asleep instantly listening to it when I took my afternoon nap and it was still coming down when I woke up.

I took the dog for a walk in it without wearing a jacket, that’s how gently it came down, and I didn’t mind getting wet. It certainly made everything smell good. Today we are supposed to have some spotty showers and I do hope they come about. I like the rain and we need it. I like going for walks in it, especially when it’s not cold outside.

It can’t ruin my hairdo, as I have such short hair that there’s not much to ruin. All I have to do is let it dry the natural way or rub it dry with a towel depending on how wet it gets. I also imagine that the rain is good for my skin, but I don’t know how true that is. I don’t know how much it’s influenced by air pollution.

Yesterday was a very non eventful day. You could say that it was a day as I like it. It was a typical low key Sunday. The highlight of the day was the tennis match between Nadal and Federer. I ended up rooting for Federer after all since he was the underdog. Of course, Nadal won.

In the evening, I was sitting slumped in my armchair for a long time and when I got up I had a terrific pain in my back in the usual spot. I had a heck of a time getting up and was like a little old lady when I tried to move around. There’s something to be said for sitting in your chair properly. I took some pain medication and went to bed on my fairly firm mattress and now the pain is gone. That bed of mine is good for my back. It always makes things better.

Today is not my favorite day with both my personal helper and the domestic help going to be here, but I have to see it through, little as I like it. Maybe there will be a day when I will appreciate them better again, especially my personal helper. I think she’s the one I have the most problems with. I don’t like her presence here.

I’ve got to go back to bed for some more hours of sleep. I’ll have to set the alarm clock so I’ll be coherent when the personal helper gets here. She always does expect me to be ready for a conversation the minute she walks in. There’s no gentle prelude.

Have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

 

 

It doesn’t matter…

Today I’m not living by the clock and paying attention to what time it is. I do things when I feel like them and try to not stick too much to the schedule. True, there is some sort of system, but it isn’t written in stone that I have to do things exactly at a certain time. I’m allowing myself a lot of leeway. I don’t know how I suddenly got that way today, except that I had the day off and all to myself and it seemed perfect for it.

The dog’s been walked and some time soon, when I feel like it, I’ll eat dinner. In the meantime, I’m drinking my umpteenth glass of milk and my stomach appreciates it very much and is happy for it. I could live on cold milk alone, except that I also need other vitamins and minerals. I had a tall glass of orange juice this morning for the vitamin C, but my stomach liked that less. Even so, I’m going to drink a glass of it every day for health reasons. I’ll just have to make it a small glass.

After we had all that rain yesterday, the weather was nice today. We had sunshine all day and the temperature was decent enough. It’s going to get warmer as the week progresses. Tomorrow is a holiday and everyone will have the day off. It will be a perfect excuse to have a lazy day. Yes, another one.  And the weather will be nice again too.

I have to decide what to wear tomorrow and have a good look in my closet. I’ve been wearing the same outfit for a while now and it’s time for something different. I always seem to end up wearing the same basic clothes, the ones I’m most comfortable with. I need to challenge myself a little bit and come up with something really interesting.

I haven’t taken my usual afternoon nap today. I wasn’t really in need of it. In a way, it is good because it means that I’m saving up my sleep for tonight when I need it most. I slept better last night and I slept late this morning. It was wonderful and I was very late getting dressed. I set around in my armchair drinking coffee until I couldn’t postpone taking the dog out any longer. He had been out back, but that’s not the same as going for a walk.

I’ve just made myself some freshly brewed coffee and I’m drinking a cup of that now. I needed a little pick me up. Milk doesn’t have that quality and it doesn’t heat up your bones. I was getting just a bit chilled and the coffee is making me feel warmer. A little bit of sunlight is still shining through the living room windows and it isn’t really all that cold in here. If it were wintertime, I would think it was positively warm. It’s odd how you experience such things at different times of the year.

The coffee is making me feel decidedly better and I feel like I have taken a ‘feel good pill.’ The caffeine really perked me up. Apparently, that was just what I needed. Isn’t it funny how we can artificially make ourselves feel so much better temporarily? Of course, I don’t know if coffee has that effect on you. It always seems to do me a world of good.

The dog is lying on the dining table looking at me very amorously. Every time I look at him, he starts to enthusiastically wag his tail. I think he likes me and wants some attention. I will go sit in my armchair and pet him for a while. I can’t neglect my pets.

Have a good evening. I hope your weather is great.

Ciao,

Nora

>Soothingly familiar…

>

I’m enjoying my time in the middle of the night with a fresh cup of coffee and a cigarette and the company of the dog who is lying by my feet. At least he has quieted down now and is no longer running to the back door to bark at imaginary danger. 
The coffee tastes mighty nice and puts me in a good frame of mind. It makes all the little gears in my head spin correctly and that’s important in the middle of the night when I want to make sense. I’ve already slept several hours and am now ready for some time up and about until I get tired again. 
I’m actually very thirsty and the coffee really doesn’t take care of that so much, but the milk is almost all gone and I can’t have tall glasses of it . I think I have some lemonade left and will drink a glass of that to quench my thirst before I have more coffee. Running out of milk is a real catastrophe. It should not be allowed.
Because the Exfactor is not going to be able to do the groceries today, I will have to go to the little Arab shop around the corner and buy some milk there. I pass it all the time but have not been inside yet. It is convenient to have it so close by and it will be a whole different cultural experience. 
The sugar content of the lemonade is going straight to my head and is making me cheerful. I think I will have two glasses of it. I do like to mess with the chemicals in my brain, albeit it with very harmless substances. I don’t think anyone has ever been caught driving under the influence of sugar or caffeine. I think I may have needed a little pick me up. 
This afternoon I have an appointment with my SPN  and on my way home I will go by the pharmacy to pick up the Metamucil. I had to order it especially in the size packaging and flavor I wanted. I can’t wait to start using it to see what difference it will make. I expect it to do wonders. Like I said, I used to use it in California and it will get rid of my bloated belly and then some. 
During this meeting with my SPN I will hear how much longer she will be my therapist. She was going to try and be it for 6 months longer, but had to get permission for that. I’m curious what the outcome will be. If it means that I have to become more independent, then so be it. I am more than ready for it and not afraid to be. 
We do grow up and have to learn to find out own way.

I thought maybe it was a fluke when I went on the bathroom scale yesterday and had lost a kilo, but I went on it again a while ago and it was true. I want to lose 4.5 kilos and then I’ll probably be happy. I think that will be the most weight I can expect to lose. That’s more than the Obesitas Specialist said I could expect to lose. I’m already past his goal. 
Well, I think I’ll get ready to go back to bed. I’ve got a lot of sleeping left to do and a lot of time to do it in. 
I hope you’re all having a good night. 
Ciao,
Nora

>No depth to them tonight…

>

I didn’t have any deep existentialist thoughts when I woke up tonight, which is just as well as I don’t want to overburden my mind too much, although it did give me some blog fodder yesterday. It gave me a subject to write about anyway, while now I’m going to have to pull a rabbit out of my hat, so to speak. Writing cold turkey, with nothing specific on my mind, is a real challenge and I don’t know if I can pull it off. 
There, I’ve already mentioned two animals that I’m not in possession of. A rabbit and a turkey and they are both good to eat. I can testify to that. I ate them both when I was still eating meat and could very easily eat them again, except that my conscious would bother me too much, but I sure did enjoy the taste of them. 
I generally like eating meat, providing it is cooked well and doesn’t remind me of the animal too much. I dislike cold luncheon meats, especially if it has bits and chunks in it, but I do like ham as it is unrecognizable and tasty. But of course, I don’t eat any of it anymore, except for the chicken in chicken and pasta soup. 
I do make an exception for that. I figure I need the little bit of protein I get from it and it is good for me. I can’t be a full time saint. I find it difficult to be the best kid in the class all the time. I try to ignore the hopeless fate of the chickens as much as possible when I eat the soup. 
Actually, my favorite dish to eat when I still ate meat was roasted quail and lobster. I would have walked a mile for it. It was finger licking good and very decadent. I think I will have it for my last meal. The lobster at any rate, dipped in melted butter. Oh, I get hungry just thinking about it. I’m a principled meat loving vegetarian.
Well, let’s talk about something other than food or I’m going to have to raid the refrigerator. Not that there are very exciting things in there. I do take care that there aren’t. There are only the basics in there and nothing really decadent at all. You will find no Belgian bonbons there, icy cold and ready to pop into my mouth. Or ice cream in the freezer. There’s chocolate pudding there, but I save that for dessert. It’s a rule. 
Some rules about food can’t be broken and I live by them as strictly as I live with my own particular day and night schedule. I eat certain things at certain times of the day and I sleep and take naps at certain times of the day and night. I find that predictability is the most comfortable and what I’m the most at ease with. If I do things at certain preset times, I’m most likely to get through the day and night successfully.
I’m having a tall glass of ice cold milk now and it usually takes care of any cravings I have, whatever sort of a craving it is. My taste buds and stomach get fooled into thinking they’re having something really good and are satisfied, Isn’t that an easy solution? I lose my longing for ice cream right away and I don’t need to eat bonbons because my stomach gets full. 
There, it all started out with a rabbit and a turkey and that’s where I’ll end and I’m so not hungry for them now. These are the deepest thoughts I had tonight. They were all about food and for a change not about clothes, which is another subject I like to write about. More on that later, no doubt. 
I hope you’re all having a good night and that you’ll have a good morning. I was dressed almost warm enough yesterday. It was a bit chillier than I expected. It will be again today. It’s hard to decide what to wear. I hope you have nice weather.
Ciao,
Nora