The Dueling Dutch Woman

The Adventures of a Middle Aged Dutch Woman

Archive for rain

Poppies and such…

I’ve decided not to read in bed anymore. It was disturbing my night’s sleep and upsetting my schedule because I got too caught up in the book and didn’t go to sleep when I was supposed to. So now I only read during the day in my armchair whenever I have a spare moment and I do have enough of them. I don’t read non stop because I don’t completely want to lose myself in the book to the exclusion of everything else. It is so easy to lose track of everything and time and forget the world around me. So I do put a limit on how much time I spend reading at one stretch. Every once in a while I have to put down the book and do something completely different.

It’s not like it was in the olden days when I could let myself go and spend a whole afternoon doing nothing but read and completely shut out the world around me. I don’t feel comfortable doing that anymore. I would feel too disconnected. I do feel that I regularly have to stay in touch with reality and be reminded of it and even take part in it. I also have to do the ordinary things like the dishes and walk the dog and watch the news on TV. The last is especially important because it makes me feel connected to the here and now and that’s very important to me.

I suppose that’s why I like listening to the radio so much when I lie in bed at night. The programs deal with current events and I always feel up to date and I hear a lot of the news on the radio. I hear more of the details that I don’t hear on the news on TV.  There are a lot of background stories and interesting guests on the talk shows. The same goes for when I take my nap in the afternoon because I go to sleep listening to political discussions about some current issue. I’m better informed now that I listen to the radio than I was before and all sorts of points of view are represented, though they all are sensible ones and well thought out. There’s no idiotic shouting just to make noise and intimidate. Everything is very civilized.

The fields have been mowed and the wildflowers have been cut down. Except for in the flowerbeds, there are no poppies left. All the chamomile has been cut down too. Now I’ll have to wait a while and see what comes up next. It’s still raining regularly, so hopefully that will help with whatever is going to decide to grow. It’s a shame to see everything gone, but it can’t be helped. Beside the street, on the stretches of grass that have not been mowed, there is wild yarrow growing and I hope to see more of it. There’s always hope for new plants.

Today is going to be a peaceful day. The Exfactor will be here to do the groceries, thank goodness, because I’m almost out of milk. I don’t have any appointments. I didn’t think it was necessary to make one with my psychiatrist and my SPN is on holiday until the 27th.  I will see her next week but I don’t have any pressing problems. I don’t consider the issue of the ‘Black Dog’ serious enough. He is slowly slinking away. I do have to have some amount of self sufficiency and to be able to get myself through these spells. It’s good for my ego if I do. I do have to show some amount of inner strength.

It’s going to rain again today and it will be for the rest of the week. I don’t mind it too much as long as I get the chance to take out the dog regularly. It’s quite cozy inside when it’s raining. I still have the bedroom windows open and it’s not cold inside, though outside it isn’t all that warm. I just have to make sure that I wear enough clothes. My black leather jacket is coming in real handy, although it’s getting a little big on me.

I haven’t been on the bathroom scale, but I think I’m losing weight because my latest skirt is getting a bit big on me, even after I washed it. I’ll have to try and remember to get on the scale when I get up again this morning and I’m in my underwear. That’s always when I weigh the least and that’s the weight I go by. I do want to weigh myself at the most opportune moment.

I’m going back to bed. It will be nice and warm in there under the duvet.

Have a good morning when you get up.

Ciao,

Nora

Advertisements

An intruder…

I think I detect the presence of an intruder. One I’m not happy with at all. I think it is the ‘Black Dog’ come to make my life a little more miserable. I noticed him first yesterday afternoon when I tried to write a post and found that I couldn’t do it. Try as I might. After that unsuccessful attempt, I walked my own dog and I felt the “Black Dog’ on my heels, following me wherever I went.

I tried to ignore him at first, but realized that was futile and that is was best to recognize his presence. It’s best to face him head on and to not furtively try to escape him. With that realization came a feeling of relief because I felt that I knew my enemy and that I was familiar with the situation. I know what to do. I’ve handled this before.

I feel a huge amount of tiredness and I have an ‘oh, I don’t care attitude,’  but I mustn’t let that get the overhand, of course. I will mollycoddle myself to some extent and be extra kind to myself and go out of my way to do extra nice things that will make me feel good. Everything does seem an effort, though, and I am going to have a hard time fulfilling some of my duties.

I crave chocolate sandwiches and wish I had some real chocolate sprinkles in the cupboard. I have bread in the freezer. That’s something I ought not to do, however. It would be foolish to give into that craving, no matter how comforting it would be. I guess that’s what I want, real comforting food.

What I want more than anything is to be safe and that means being inside the apartment and not going anywhere. It also means that I want to sleep a lot, but that’s not possible because after a while you’ve slept all you can. There’s only a certain amount of that you can do. I do still like being up in the middle of the night, although it’s not the same cheerful experience that is usually is. It’s still of some comfort to me, though.

But I refuse to dwell only on the negative and must find something positive to write about.

Yesterday it actually rained. Several times the heavens opened up and the rain came falling straight down from them. Each time I thought I would have to start building an ark and then just as suddenly the rain stopped and the sun came out again.

Well, I’m sorry, that’s just about as positive as I can get right now. I keep having visions of different kinds of foods in my head that are all unobtainable to me.  I guess that when I get depressed, I think about food a lot.  I not only think about it, I want to eat it too. What I need now is a car and a 24 hour supermarket.

I just ate a bowl of vanilla pudding and that took care of the worst cravings.  My stomach is full now.

I don’t seem to be boiling over with enthusiasm. Everything is on the back burner. I would love to be more lively and a little bit more animated. Instead I feel like a big dull lump. I’m just about as unmovable.

I suppose I will give this another try tomorrow and see how I feel then. Maybe a good night’s rest will help.

Ciao,

Nora

 

 

Can’t get my act together…

I laid in bed for two hours and couldn’t fall asleep. I tried my best by listening to the radio and being relaxed, but sleep would not come. I finally said, “The heck with that,” and got up and made myself some coffee. Now I will sit here until I get good and tired, although I am somewhat in a slightly sleep induced state of mind now. It just wasn’t enough to make me fall asleep. I had too many thoughts going through my head and the radio only distracted me more.

It must have been the subject matters that were discussed because they were all about problem areas in the world and what should be done about them and I felt very frustrated in not being able to do anything at all except being very well informed and knowing what I’m talking about. It might have been better to put on a CD by Erica Satie and have listened to his very soothing piano music. He was considered eccentric in his day and age, but I think he is perfect for this century.

I watched and listened to a repeat of the Prinsengracht concert this afternoon of 2010 and it was very lovely. The 30th one will be held this year and it is always a big happening that everyone looks forward to. There’s always a big soloist and a good soprano who sings arias. It’s held on a podium in a canal in the middle of Amsterdam surrounded by people in boats and on the docks and bridges. It’s got a good atmosphere and is a fine evening. There’s a sing along at the end. Young and old go to watch it. It gets you in a fine mood.

We had a brief shower this past evening when I was lying in bed. It sounded very cozy and I hoped it would last a while, but it was over in a few minutes. That was a short lived joy. It barely got the ground wet and didn’t amount to much. That was the rain that was predicted. It should have been a few showers like there are supposed to be today but I won’t hold my breath for them. We here in the very southern part of the country don’t always get the rain that is predicted. A lot of it passes by to the north of us.

I’ve run out of milk and have had to drink orange juice. Since this does not agree with my stomach so well, I’ve had to take stomach tablets that reduce the acid. Luckily, they work. I won’t get new milk until this morning when the Exfactor will get the groceries. I hope he doesn’t get here too late. Doing without milk is difficult. It’s such a soothing beverage for me.

Yesterday was the last day off. Today is not a holiday anymore, but not a lot is going to be happening. It will be a rather peaceful day and only my psychiatrist is going to call me to inquire about my state of mind. I will be able to tell him that it is good after having reduced the medication.  It’s the anti-psychotics that I’ve reduced and I feel fine. I did that two weeks ago and have had no bad effects from it. i have to reduce them one more milligram.

I’ve got to think about the clothes I’m going to wear tomorrow. It’s going to be cloudy but not too cold. Still, I’ll want to wear a cardigan. I want to wear my red one for the cheerfulness of it. I have to think about the rest of the clothes I want to wear with it. Or maybe I’ll pick something completely different. It depends on what skirt I can find to fit me. I washed the one that’s my favorite and it’s not dry yet. The possibilities dazzle my mind.

I’ve got to go back to sleep now and make sure I get up on time in the morning. I can’t stay in bed endlessly, much as I’d like to. Sometimes I do have to act like a responsible person and get up before I’m ready to. It’s really not as painful as I make it sound. It just hurts a little bit.

Have a good morning when you get up.

Ciao,

Nora

 

 

When I have something to say…

It’s in the middle of the night and I’m sitting here with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes. I don’t actually know if I have something to say, but I’ll give it my best shot. I feel that I have to be somewhat productive in the nighttime, as I always claim that this is when my head is most clear. And it it is, but I just may be short of subjects to write about. Not that many things happen in my life so I always have to think very hard about what I will discuss. The tiniest details matter.

Yesterday went by in a flash just like Saturday did. The day was over before I knew it. Of course, I slept late in the morning and took about an hour to wake up properly in my armchair with several cups of coffee while I watched a literary program on TV. What used to be one of my favorite writers was on, but that was in a former life when my tastes were a little different. However, he discussed a book of travel stories he had written that sounded interesting and I do love travel stories if they are told well and no doubt he did. His name is Cees Nooteboom and he is translated in many languages. I can recommend him heartily. His novel ‘In the Dutch Mountains’ is very good.

My sister called and invited me over, so I had to get ready and walk the dog before I could leave. Luckily, the weather was nice enough, although it wasn’t especially hot. I did have to wear my cardigan, but I also had to wear sunglasses. I rode my bike over there in a stiff breeze, but in my sister’s garden things were pleasant and warm. I drank cappuccinos and had some Italian cookies and we ate a bowl of cherries. I admired the growing things and saw how much good the rain had done to the garden. Some plants had completely perked up and started to flower.

My sister very animatedly told me the complete plot of an Italian movie they had seen and she did such a good job that I feel that I’ve seen the movie, but also that I feel that I want to go see it myself. She’s made me very curious.  The name of the movie is ‘Mine Vaganti.’

When I got home, I watched the last two quarters of the field hockey game for the European championship and the Dutch club won. It wasn’t a very exciting game and they won with a penalty shot. After that, I took the dog for a walk because he had been waiting patiently. It looked like it was going to rain, but it didn’t. It is going to today, however. We’re going to have showers anyway, which is too bad for a holiday. There are several cultural festivals going on around the country and they sure can’t use the rain.

Today will be a nice and quiet day at home. I have nothing special planned and it is a relief to me. I look forward to the peacefulness.

I’m going back to bed.

Have a great day you all.

Ciao,

Nora

Freshly brewed coffee…

It is in the middle of the night and I am having a very tasty cup of coffee and a cigarette. Who could possibly ask for more? Yes, I would like a bowl of ice cream, vanilla if you please, but that is just a passing craving that I’ll get over.  I will have a glass of cold milk later on and that will take care of that. Glasses of cold milk are usually the answer to any kind of craving I may have. They are the perfect solution and satisfy me completely.

Yesterday we had a thundershower that brought gentle rain that fell for several hours. It wasn’t a lot of rain and I don’t know if it ended the drought, but it was very pleasant to listen to and very refreshing. It cooled things off a little bit. I fell asleep instantly listening to it when I took my afternoon nap and it was still coming down when I woke up.

I took the dog for a walk in it without wearing a jacket, that’s how gently it came down, and I didn’t mind getting wet. It certainly made everything smell good. Today we are supposed to have some spotty showers and I do hope they come about. I like the rain and we need it. I like going for walks in it, especially when it’s not cold outside.

It can’t ruin my hairdo, as I have such short hair that there’s not much to ruin. All I have to do is let it dry the natural way or rub it dry with a towel depending on how wet it gets. I also imagine that the rain is good for my skin, but I don’t know how true that is. I don’t know how much it’s influenced by air pollution.

Yesterday was a very non eventful day. You could say that it was a day as I like it. It was a typical low key Sunday. The highlight of the day was the tennis match between Nadal and Federer. I ended up rooting for Federer after all since he was the underdog. Of course, Nadal won.

In the evening, I was sitting slumped in my armchair for a long time and when I got up I had a terrific pain in my back in the usual spot. I had a heck of a time getting up and was like a little old lady when I tried to move around. There’s something to be said for sitting in your chair properly. I took some pain medication and went to bed on my fairly firm mattress and now the pain is gone. That bed of mine is good for my back. It always makes things better.

Today is not my favorite day with both my personal helper and the domestic help going to be here, but I have to see it through, little as I like it. Maybe there will be a day when I will appreciate them better again, especially my personal helper. I think she’s the one I have the most problems with. I don’t like her presence here.

I’ve got to go back to bed for some more hours of sleep. I’ll have to set the alarm clock so I’ll be coherent when the personal helper gets here. She always does expect me to be ready for a conversation the minute she walks in. There’s no gentle prelude.

Have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

 

 

Just give me more coffee…

I’m not really awake yet. As far as I’m concerned it’s all an illusion that I’m sitting here behind the computer. Or a dream I’m having, but it does seem awfully real. I’ve made a pot of coffee in order to wake up and I hope it’s going to happen any minute now. I’ve nearly finished my first cup and reality should dawn on me soon.

I feel I’ve only briefly been asleep and that’s probably true because I didn’t go to bed until after midnight. I watched comedy on television and it was good. I actually laughed and was very amused. That doesn’t happen very often and I was left with a good feeling. Thinking back on it, I can instantly recall that good feeling and smile again.

I’m drinking my second cup of coffee and I think I’m awake now. I’ve ceased yawning and I can think clearly. Things no longer seem like an illusion. That’s a relief. It’s good to be back amongst the living. It felt a little strange to be so disconnected. It is much better to be in touch again. Now the night feels just like any other ordinary night.

There was going to be a good British thriller on after midnight, but I decided I shouldn’t stay up that late. It was an episode of the series ‘Taggart.’ I’ve never watched it, but it seemed interesting and gruesome enough. It must always be on late at night for me to have never seen it. They must save the real scary stuff for then.

All that’s on for thrillers on Wednesday nights right now is ‘Midsommer Murders.’  That’s amusing enough and I always watch it, but I miss ‘Inspector Linley.’ I’m waiting with bated breath for the new episodes and for other British thrillers such as ‘Silent Witness.’ I can’t wait to see what the new season will bring.

I shouldn’t wish for that too much, though, because it won’t start until the fall and we first have summer to get through and enjoy. I mustn’t dismiss summer because it will be over fast enough and I will be sorry when it is. I want to enjoy every day of it. It already started yesterday when we had temperatures of 29C. Luckily, inside the apartment it stayed nice and cool, so I didn’t suffer too much. It was only bad when I had to walk the dog in the hot sun and out of the breeze.

I wore a summer dress that I’d only worn one time before and it fit a lot better because I’d lost weight. It looked a lot nicer too. I felt more comfortable in it and not so shy about going out in it. It was very cool to wear and exposed a lot of skin. I will get a tan in it. But today we are supposed to get a few thunder showers and on Monday it’s supposed to rain.

It won’t be so hot then and that’s okay with me. I like the milder temperatures. I doesn’t have to be so hot for me. The problem is that it also gets humid and that’s no pleasure. I’m used to the dry heat of California. That’s much more bearable.

Today I’m going to watch the men’s final at Roland Garros. I think it is on in the afternoon. I watched the women’s final yesterday. I was rooting for both people. I didn’t have a favorite. It should be an exciting game today. I will root for Nadal.

I’m going back to bed. I’ve got a lot of sleeping left to do. The early birds are singing and I will go to sleep listening to them.

I hope you will all have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

 

Just take some pills…

I just woke up from an afternoon nap and for a change I’m not feeling all that great. I’m grouchy and grumpy and basically in a bad mood. To take care of this, I’ve made myself a fresh pot of coffee and I’m now drinking my second cup. I hope that it will improve my outlook.  I don’t like myself this way, but as I drink the coffee, I see little glimmers of light and I think there will be improvement soon.

I’ve also taken my evening dose of medicines. When all else fails, there are always the medicines to take. A couple of pills will always bring relief. I can count on that. Such is my faith in them.

Of course, it helps if you sit down and write about what is happening to you. If you put it in words, you are bound to feel better. I am a great believer in that. The moment I put down that I’m in a bad mood, I am less so. The sheer act of making it public makes me feel better. At least it’s not a dark secret I’m carrying around with me. I publicly announce that I’m a grouch and a grump.

I do dislike pretending I’m cheerful when I’m not. I think people ought to be allowed to be grumpy when they feel like it. As long as they don’t make any casualties it should be okay. You have to get over your grumpiness in your own time and at your own rate. As long as you make an effort and don’t get stuck in it. It is always my intention to get over it as quickly as I can.

There, I’m over it now and can be normal again, whatever is meant by that. I can think straight anyway. And as I write that, the sun is coming out again. That is a welcome sight, as it has been playing peekaboo behind the clouds all day. And we still haven’t got any rain. It’s useless trying to wish for any, we’re just not going to get it.

Maybe that is just as well because I still have to take the dog out for a walk and I certainly don’t want to get rained on. The dog is lying by my feet waiting very patiently for me to take him. I should say that he is impatient. Every once in a while he jumps up against me and looks at me with begging eyes. I’m so cruel to make him wait.

I better go get my shoes and jacket on and take him out. I’ve missed the 6 o’clock news as it is. It will be nice to get some fresh air and  exercise. After that I can get my pajamas and bathrobe on and vegetate in front of the television.

I hope you’re all having a good weekend.

Ciao,

Nora