The Dueling Dutch Woman

The Adventures of a Middle Aged Dutch Woman

Archive for SPN

Poppies and such…

I’ve decided not to read in bed anymore. It was disturbing my night’s sleep and upsetting my schedule because I got too caught up in the book and didn’t go to sleep when I was supposed to. So now I only read during the day in my armchair whenever I have a spare moment and I do have enough of them. I don’t read non stop because I don’t completely want to lose myself in the book to the exclusion of everything else. It is so easy to lose track of everything and time and forget the world around me. So I do put a limit on how much time I spend reading at one stretch. Every once in a while I have to put down the book and do something completely different.

It’s not like it was in the olden days when I could let myself go and spend a whole afternoon doing nothing but read and completely shut out the world around me. I don’t feel comfortable doing that anymore. I would feel too disconnected. I do feel that I regularly have to stay in touch with reality and be reminded of it and even take part in it. I also have to do the ordinary things like the dishes and walk the dog and watch the news on TV. The last is especially important because it makes me feel connected to the here and now and that’s very important to me.

I suppose that’s why I like listening to the radio so much when I lie in bed at night. The programs deal with current events and I always feel up to date and I hear a lot of the news on the radio. I hear more of the details that I don’t hear on the news on TV.  There are a lot of background stories and interesting guests on the talk shows. The same goes for when I take my nap in the afternoon because I go to sleep listening to political discussions about some current issue. I’m better informed now that I listen to the radio than I was before and all sorts of points of view are represented, though they all are sensible ones and well thought out. There’s no idiotic shouting just to make noise and intimidate. Everything is very civilized.

The fields have been mowed and the wildflowers have been cut down. Except for in the flowerbeds, there are no poppies left. All the chamomile has been cut down too. Now I’ll have to wait a while and see what comes up next. It’s still raining regularly, so hopefully that will help with whatever is going to decide to grow. It’s a shame to see everything gone, but it can’t be helped. Beside the street, on the stretches of grass that have not been mowed, there is wild yarrow growing and I hope to see more of it. There’s always hope for new plants.

Today is going to be a peaceful day. The Exfactor will be here to do the groceries, thank goodness, because I’m almost out of milk. I don’t have any appointments. I didn’t think it was necessary to make one with my psychiatrist and my SPN is on holiday until the 27th.  I will see her next week but I don’t have any pressing problems. I don’t consider the issue of the ‘Black Dog’ serious enough. He is slowly slinking away. I do have to have some amount of self sufficiency and to be able to get myself through these spells. It’s good for my ego if I do. I do have to show some amount of inner strength.

It’s going to rain again today and it will be for the rest of the week. I don’t mind it too much as long as I get the chance to take out the dog regularly. It’s quite cozy inside when it’s raining. I still have the bedroom windows open and it’s not cold inside, though outside it isn’t all that warm. I just have to make sure that I wear enough clothes. My black leather jacket is coming in real handy, although it’s getting a little big on me.

I haven’t been on the bathroom scale, but I think I’m losing weight because my latest skirt is getting a bit big on me, even after I washed it. I’ll have to try and remember to get on the scale when I get up again this morning and I’m in my underwear. That’s always when I weigh the least and that’s the weight I go by. I do want to weigh myself at the most opportune moment.

I’m going back to bed. It will be nice and warm in there under the duvet.

Have a good morning when you get up.




>Over the hills and through the woods…


That’s not really where I’m going. I just felt like saying that. It’s in the middle of the night and I’m sure I’m not going through the woods now. That would be a bit scary even if I had a strong flashlight. My imagination would get a hold of me and I would think of The Blair Witch. Remember that movie? That was pretty gruesome. 
No, I’m staying right where I am, safely inside by the light of the desk lamp with my cup of coffee. I do know where life is good. That’s right here with my dog and cat. 
I’ve already slept and woke up writing a blog post in my head, but I’ve forgotten what it was about. I was formulating a sentence in my head as I became conscious. I had to immediately let the dog out back when I got up and go to the toilet myself, so by the time I turned on the computer, everything I had dreamed was forgotten. 
I just made myself a small pot of fresh coffee and am drinking the first cup now. For a change, I didn’t make it so awfully strong. That was a deliberate choice on my part as I often make the coffee too strong and get too wired. I only want to drink two cups and then switch to cold milk and go back to bed and sleep some more. 
I have to see my psychiatrist at 10 o’clock in the morning, so I do have to get up on time. I’ll even have to set the alarm clock.
My SPN told me yesterday that she is pregnant, so we had a happy talk about pregnancy and what I remembered about it. I’m thrilled for her and can’t wait to see her belly grow. I had already noticed that the last few times she was wearing the same roomy tops, but had not put two and two together. 
She’s going on maternity leave in October and that will be the end of our therapy together. I told her it’s all for a good cause. What can be a nicer reason than having a baby? I certainly can’t think of one. 
The Exfactor did manage to do the groceries after all yesterday, so I didn’t have to do without milk for too long a time. I drank glasses of water when I did. They made me feel a little sick to my stomach and I was happy when I could drink milk again. Plain water doesn’t seem to agree with me very well.
I picked up the Metamucil from the pharmacy and mixed a spoonful of that in a tall glass of water and I will hopefully notice the result soon. I’m planning on using it every day and will hopefully get the rewards of it every day. It will certainly be a relief if it works. 
It’s going to be a bright and sunny day and feel warmer than it actually is. That means I can wear the same clothes I wore yesterday and I’m glad because it was a good outfit and I felt comfortable in it. I wore my favorite dress.
As I lose weight, the clothes that I wear fit me better all the time, but some things get too big and sometimes that’s a shame because I’m attached to them.  I try to shrink them in the laundry, but I only have partial success with that. Some things just need to be put on the obsolete pile. There’s no help for it. 
I hope you’re all having a good night and those of you who are still up, I hope you are having a good evening. 

>Soothingly familiar…


I’m enjoying my time in the middle of the night with a fresh cup of coffee and a cigarette and the company of the dog who is lying by my feet. At least he has quieted down now and is no longer running to the back door to bark at imaginary danger. 
The coffee tastes mighty nice and puts me in a good frame of mind. It makes all the little gears in my head spin correctly and that’s important in the middle of the night when I want to make sense. I’ve already slept several hours and am now ready for some time up and about until I get tired again. 
I’m actually very thirsty and the coffee really doesn’t take care of that so much, but the milk is almost all gone and I can’t have tall glasses of it . I think I have some lemonade left and will drink a glass of that to quench my thirst before I have more coffee. Running out of milk is a real catastrophe. It should not be allowed.
Because the Exfactor is not going to be able to do the groceries today, I will have to go to the little Arab shop around the corner and buy some milk there. I pass it all the time but have not been inside yet. It is convenient to have it so close by and it will be a whole different cultural experience. 
The sugar content of the lemonade is going straight to my head and is making me cheerful. I think I will have two glasses of it. I do like to mess with the chemicals in my brain, albeit it with very harmless substances. I don’t think anyone has ever been caught driving under the influence of sugar or caffeine. I think I may have needed a little pick me up. 
This afternoon I have an appointment with my SPN  and on my way home I will go by the pharmacy to pick up the Metamucil. I had to order it especially in the size packaging and flavor I wanted. I can’t wait to start using it to see what difference it will make. I expect it to do wonders. Like I said, I used to use it in California and it will get rid of my bloated belly and then some. 
During this meeting with my SPN I will hear how much longer she will be my therapist. She was going to try and be it for 6 months longer, but had to get permission for that. I’m curious what the outcome will be. If it means that I have to become more independent, then so be it. I am more than ready for it and not afraid to be. 
We do grow up and have to learn to find out own way.

I thought maybe it was a fluke when I went on the bathroom scale yesterday and had lost a kilo, but I went on it again a while ago and it was true. I want to lose 4.5 kilos and then I’ll probably be happy. I think that will be the most weight I can expect to lose. That’s more than the Obesitas Specialist said I could expect to lose. I’m already past his goal. 
Well, I think I’ll get ready to go back to bed. I’ve got a lot of sleeping left to do and a lot of time to do it in. 
I hope you’re all having a good night. 

>…and then it was morning.


I’m sitting here with my third cup of coffee and it tastes very good. Thankfully, the Exfactor did the groceries yesterday and the cupboards and the refrigerator are filled with food again and I have milk! I don’t need to use powdered creamer in my coffee anymore. What a relief and therefor I’m enjoying every cup that I drink. 
I do know a good thing when I have it and I’m grateful for it, but I have to plan my milk consumption better. I have to not be so greedy at the start and save some for later. I run out the day before the groceries are done. If I’m careful, I should be able to make the milk last longer, but I love it so much. A glass of cold milk is one of the best treats of my day. 
I slept well and had an interesting dream in which I met a new man and I explained to him what it was like to be hypo-manic. As I did, the world around us changed into Technicolor shades of green and blue and yellow as if we were taking drugs and it was a surreal experience. Things were very beautiful and I guess that’s the point I was trying to make. 
I told him to take me out of my environment so I would no longer be mad. It was my environment that was making me so. He was a very normal man, as normal as they come. He was almost unrecognizable to me because of it. I guess I only recognize crazy people, or people who come with an instruction booklet. 
Yesterday, as I sat in the hairdresser’s chair in front of the mirror, I saw my scarred arms in the glaring light of the shop. It was very confrontational and I saw what other people see every day. My arms had gotten tanned and my scars were white. It looked very awful and I thought it was hard to go through life with arms looking like that. Luckily, I am normally not aware of them and don’t pay attention to them and I don’t think of what other people see.I think that’s for the best. Oblivion is a good thing. 
I saw my SPN in the afternoon and she told me that she’s going to be my SPN for only several more months. Her job is going to be moved to another city to which it will be impossible for me to commute. I have not yet reacted on a gut level to this news and have only taken it in as an abstract sort of knowledge. No doubt it will sink in later when I’m fully aware. I feel now that I have to detach myself from her emotionally and the sooner I start, the better.
I have to become more self sufficient  and self reliant. At least I’ll still have my psychiatrist, although he’s less good for the emotional issues. I’ll have to have less of those and concentrate more on the practical matters. My SPN is going on vacation in the month of June, so I’ll get ample opportunity to practice being self reliant then. 
The first birds have started to sing as it is now early in the morning. Sunrise won’t be for another hour. It’s supposed to be a pleasant and not too hot day today. I will interpret that in the best possible way and figure out which clothes to wear. I suppose I will start with layers and peel those off as the day progresses. 
Nobody is coming to the apartment today and I have no appointments. It will be a day to do chores and walk the dog as many times as possible. I hope the cat doesn’t bring another mouse home like she did yesterday. That’s turning into a bad habit of hers. The dog thinks it’s great fun, but I don’t think so. 
I hope you’ll all have a great day, dressed in the clothes you like with the kind of weather you want. And if you’re about to go to bed, sleep tight. 

>…and then I woke up.


It’s in the middle of the night and I’m sitting here with a very nice cup of coffee, For some reason it turned out just right. Sometimes you just get lucky, I guess. That makes me wonder how much of my coffee making is still guesswork and how much of it is craftsmanship. I think the former may have a lot to do with it. It’s called: eyeballing it and sometimes I get it just right. 
It’s all in the hesitation of adding another spoonful of coffee to the measured amount of water. Do I or don’t I? Well, yes I will, but not too much. You see how I will never get it down to a perfect formula because there’s also the amount of milk in the cup to consider. I pour this in before I add the coffee so as not to have to stir it. I have to get that just right also depending on the size of the cup. The coffee does have to taste milky, but can’t get lukewarm. 
I’m so nit picky.  I do have my peculiarities and some things have to be just so. I don’t even like for someone else to pour me a cup of coffee because I’m afraid they won’t get it just right and that will bother me. I won’t enjoy the coffee as much. And enjoying a cup of coffee is important. It’s just as important as having a good meal. 
I suppose the one person I would trust to get me the perfect cup of coffee would be my daughter, but I don’t know why that is. For some reason I think she would get it just right. I think she would understand the importance of a good cup of coffee and would take perfect care. 
I just had to rescue a mouse from the claws of the cat. She was playing with it in the hallway and I heard it squeaking. Luckily, it didn’t seem too badly damaged. I released it out back. Yesterday, both the cat and the dog were playing with a mouse that seemed badly damaged before I could rescue it. I set it free, but I had no high hopes for it. The dog seems to do more damage than the cat. He’s much rougher with them. It seems the animal kingdom is alive and well outside, but it’s not safe. Not with those two monsters I have.
The Exfactor is going to be here this morning to do the groceries. I’ve started a list on the white board, but I keep getting the idea that I’m forgetting something crucial. It will probably come to me after the groceries have been done. 
I know that I want him to buy me some cheese crackers. I want to try those instead of the plain crackers I’ve been eating. I crave something hearty and salty. That must be instead of the meat I’m not eating, although I crave that too. I would love to eat a pork chop.
I have to see my SPN this afternoon. It’s been a month, I think, since I saw her, so it’s about time. I’ve got a lot to discuss with her and will be able to fill the hour well.
It will be interesting to see what I’m going to wear today because it’s going to be a lot cooler than it has been. I will have to find something completely different to wear. It will be my pleasure, as that has never been a problem. I do enjoy a dive into my closet. I have a vague idea already, but I don’t know if it’s going to work out. It all depends on if the top matches the skirt and which shoes to wear. 
Isn’t it great to have that sort of minor problem? It isn’t even really a problem. It’s life completely simplified. Oh, and I must call the hairdresser today to make an appointment. I wish everything in my life was so easy. I suppose some people live those kinds of lives. Uncomplicated ones without worries about moods and money. 
I’m not in the least tired, although I should go back to bed and get some more sleep. Maybe if I take my medicines now I will get sleepy. It’s worth a try. I wouldn’t know what else to do so early in the morning. I’m not in the mood to read my book. I prefer lying in bed and listening to the radio, but it would be nice if I dozed off again.
I hope you’ll all have a good day. We may have some rain and we need it. 



I actually managed to sleep through the night. This in spite of the fact that I went to bed relatively early. I’m thoroughly amazed at myself and can’t believe I did it, but it goes to show you that with a little bit of goodwill I can. I’m ever so grateful that I did because I needed a normal night’s sleep. I haven’t had one of those in a while. I’m ready to face the day now and I can’t always say that when I wake up in the morning. Usually, I have to go back to bed.
The early birds are singing and it gives the morning a cheerful feeling. These birds are anticipating the sunrise which won’t happen for another 45 minutes. There is rain in the forecast for this morning and it won’t be very warm either, so I will have to wear some totally different clothes than I did yesterday when it was still sunny. That’s okay, I don’t mind raiding my closet. As a matter of fact, I enjoy doing it. There’s always something there to wear that I’m in the mood for.
This morning my personal helper is going to be here and I saved the dishes especially for that occasion. I figured, we needed something to do together besides sit here and talk. It’s better than doing the dishes on my own, anyway. I wish there were more jobs we could do together, but she’s no help at all when it comes to hanging up the laundry which I need to do also. She hangs it up in the most impractical way.
I saw my psychiatrist yesterday, but I didn’t get to see my SPN because she was sick. I got some relief from seeing my psychiatrist, but not the kind of relief I would have had if I had seen my SPN also. I can’t say that I’m out of the woods yet. 
Actually, It’s not a subject I want to discuss because I don’t like the way it makes me feel, which is angry and frustrated. With myself, most likely. 

I hope you all have a good day.


>Managing my life…


After going to bed at a not too indecent time last night, I did manage to sleep until a decent enough time this morning. I actually woke up because I had a terrible pain in my knee and was dreaming about furniture oil to oil my knee with. It hurt because of the way I had been sleeping with it: slightly bent and with my other leg on top of it. Once I got up out of bed, it was much better. I was not crippled and could use it normally. 
I don’t know if I’ve had enough sleep, but I’ll assume that I did and start the day accordingly. I’ve had my first cup of coffee and I’ve taken my medicines. The pills that are so necessary to my functioning well, especially lately. I still have to make a new pot of coffee because the coffee I drank was left over and heated up in the microwave. It was the easiest thing to do first thing when I got up. Yes, it’s terrible, but I’ll make a great pot of coffee next. 
Today, after two weeks, I’m finally seeing my psychiatrist and my SPN. It’s been so very necessary that I talk to them and I’ve been unable to. That’s been the hardest thing about all of this: to not have their feedback. There’s been no phone or email contact or anything. I’ve had to invent the wheel on my own. It’s been tough going and I hope not to be in that position again. To be without help from both of them at the same time. The timing was excruciatingly wrong.
Having just written that down, I’m already a bundle of nerves because I have to deal with the problems of the last two weeks. I don’t know if I’m up to it. I would like to forget everything and start over from scratch, but of course I can’t. Things must be dealt with. 
I would like to write something very cheerful now and get my thoughts off serious things. I can tell you that the sun is shining and that the sky is blue. I have to think about what to wear today. It has to be practical and good looking at the same time and not too warm to wear. Is that a feat or what? The possibilities are endless and it boggles my mind. It will take some pondering over. 
Right, I’ll get the show on the road. 
Have a good day.