The Dueling Dutch Woman

The Adventures of a Middle Aged Dutch Woman

Archive for May, 2011

Stalking the night…

The first thing I did when I got up tonight, was make myself a wonderful pot of freshly brewed coffee instead of drinking that old heated up in the microwave stuff. That was just about the kindest thing I could have done for myself. I’m enjoying a cup of it now and very nice it tastes too. I thought, why short change myself with bad tasting coffee when with a little more effort I can have the real thing? Sometimes I forget to treat myself with the kindness I deserve. That everybody deserves, so I hope you all treat yourselves well at every opportunity.

When I went on the bathroom scale yesterday morning, I discovered that I had lost another kilo. This leaves me 3.5 kilos short of my latest goal. I’ve already reached two goals and this is my third one. I may set a new goal after I reach this one, it depends on how easily I lose the weight. No doubt I will lose more weight quickly when I cut down on my medicines soon. This particular one is well known for weight gain, so I’m expecting to lose weight as I decrease it. That’s not the reason why I’m cutting down, but it’s a nice benefit of it.

I’m becoming my old skinny self again, someone I haven’t been in a number of years. It’s a great relief to be getting my old body back. Well, of course, it’s been ravaged by time and middle age. It’s not quite the body I used to have. I will need to have some surgery done on my stomach to get rid of excess skin. That’s where most of the weight gain was. I had an apple shape. All of me is skinny now except not quite there in that area.

I had a nice day yesterday, although I didn’t do anything special. I walked the dog a number of times and watched sports on television. I’m becoming a real sports addict and watch a number of them. I even watch field hockey, which I used to think was boring. I do enjoy the tennis at Roland Garros and can watch it for hours if they are good matches. I like to watch Federer play. He’s poetry in motion.

I didn’t get around to reading my book as the animals decided to take up a lot of my time every moment that I sat down in my armchair. There was always one climbing on my lap wanting to be petted. I suppose yesterday was animal bonding day. That’s what Sundays must be for. Every time I gave them a kind look, it was reason for them to come get attention from me.

We all did take a nap in the afternoon and I woke up very groggy and had to be resuscitated with coffee and cigarettes and then a refreshing walk with Tyke, followed by dinner and lots of cold milk for my never ending thirst. I had my pajamas and bathrobe on before I remembered to take out the trash. I watched a quiz show on television and got a lot of the answers right and felt superior. It’s probably different when you actually stand there in front of the cameras and have to give the answers.

I’m not especially looking forward to today. The personal helper and the domestic help will be here. I’m not too thrilled about it. It will be nice to have a clean apartment, but I’m not looking forward to the company. The personal helper wants to micro manage me to pieces and I have to put a halt to it. I will do that today. The domestic help wants to sit and visit too much and I will have to put an end to that also. I do want to be in charge of my own life and my own day and time.

Tomorrow will be a much better day. My time will be my own and I have no appointments, except that the Exfactor is going to be here to do the groceries. You have no idea how much I appreciate my freedom. I need lots of breathing space and room to move around in. Other people can make me feel trapped, especially if I feel they need to be entertained and amused and kept busy.

I’ve got to go back to bed now and get a couple of hours more sleep before the personal helper gets here. I do want to be coherent before she shows up, so I have to set my alarm clock.

I hope you’ll all have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

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Just take some pills…

I just woke up from an afternoon nap and for a change I’m not feeling all that great. I’m grouchy and grumpy and basically in a bad mood. To take care of this, I’ve made myself a fresh pot of coffee and I’m now drinking my second cup. I hope that it will improve my outlook.  I don’t like myself this way, but as I drink the coffee, I see little glimmers of light and I think there will be improvement soon.

I’ve also taken my evening dose of medicines. When all else fails, there are always the medicines to take. A couple of pills will always bring relief. I can count on that. Such is my faith in them.

Of course, it helps if you sit down and write about what is happening to you. If you put it in words, you are bound to feel better. I am a great believer in that. The moment I put down that I’m in a bad mood, I am less so. The sheer act of making it public makes me feel better. At least it’s not a dark secret I’m carrying around with me. I publicly announce that I’m a grouch and a grump.

I do dislike pretending I’m cheerful when I’m not. I think people ought to be allowed to be grumpy when they feel like it. As long as they don’t make any casualties it should be okay. You have to get over your grumpiness in your own time and at your own rate. As long as you make an effort and don’t get stuck in it. It is always my intention to get over it as quickly as I can.

There, I’m over it now and can be normal again, whatever is meant by that. I can think straight anyway. And as I write that, the sun is coming out again. That is a welcome sight, as it has been playing peekaboo behind the clouds all day. And we still haven’t got any rain. It’s useless trying to wish for any, we’re just not going to get it.

Maybe that is just as well because I still have to take the dog out for a walk and I certainly don’t want to get rained on. The dog is lying by my feet waiting very patiently for me to take him. I should say that he is impatient. Every once in a while he jumps up against me and looks at me with begging eyes. I’m so cruel to make him wait.

I better go get my shoes and jacket on and take him out. I’ve missed the 6 o’clock news as it is. It will be nice to get some fresh air and  exercise. After that I can get my pajamas and bathrobe on and vegetate in front of the television.

I hope you’re all having a good weekend.

Ciao,

Nora

Walking the dog…

That’s the last chore I had to do today and now my time is all my own. I can do with it as I please and I have several hours left to go before it’s time to go to bed. Since I’m going be there on my own, I’m not in a hurry to go. It would be different if George Clooney were in it, but since he’s not going to be, I’ll not rush to get in it. I’ll take my time and sit in my bathrobe and watch dumb programs on television.

I don’t think I’m going to be lucky with men any time soon. Actually, I only glance at young unavailable men and they don’t look at me. I never look at men that would be more suitable for me. I’m completely not interested in them. They are so elderly and saggy and not well taken care of. They look like they need a good wife to cook for them and to wash their clothes and I certainly don’t want to be one of those. If I pay attention to the men who check me out, I could start feeling real desperate.

I tell myself that I don’t need a man in my life to make me happy and for the most part that is true. I’m doing better without a man than I did with one. I’m emotionally healthier. I haven’t had much luck with men and my experiences have not been good ones, although I do have to add that it hasn’t all been horrid and my memories are a mixed bag of emotions. I probably never picked very good men to be with and now that I’m a more mature human being, I’ve come to realize that I don’t really need one.

It’s when you know you don’t need a man that it’s nice to have one, but they don’t hang around on street corners to take home as you like. And every human being comes with an instruction booklet and has to be handled with care, as you do yourself. I don’t know if I’m willing to make the effort to work that hard on a new relationship. It’s always give and take and I don’t know how much I’m willing to give. I may have gotten very selfish, though it is possible that when you love someone enough, you are willing to give a lot.

I don’t know. I’m very suspicious of feelings called love. Not the ones I have for my child. Those come as natural as sunshine and rain. I mean the love that you are supposed to feel for another human being who is really a stranger to you. Who you are supposed to fall ‘in love’ with. I don’t really know if I’m capable of doing that in a very healthy manner. I don’t think I’ve ever learned to do that properly. I always seem to fall into some sort of a codependent relationship. Mutually very destructive.

I didn’t have very good role models when I was growing up and that hindered me for a large period in my life in forming healthy relationships. It took a long time for me to work that all out. I’d already had several unsuccessful relationships before I did. It’s now that I’m single, and have gotten to know myself, that I realize how I function inside a relationship. I never would have known this if I had been married to somebody. I wouldn’t have gained the knowledge about myself as part of a couple.

George Clooney could be a one night stand, though. I’m sure he could have another woman every night as he pleased. He’s such a hunk of man that he’ll have no shortage of women that adore him. I don’t even know if I necessarily want to go to bed with him. If I just got to hug him and snuggle with him I think I would be happy too. It would be nice just to look at him and gaze in his eyes. Maybe feel the muscles in his arms and chest a little bit.

At my age all you need is to be wined and dined and have nice things said to you. An intelligent conversation would be nice. I would love to have someone to do that with and who would take me to the theater  and to museums. I need to be culturally fed. I’m starved.

If you see a spare, well off man walking around, send him my way. I’ll know what to do with him.

Ciao,

Nora

>Waiting for the rain…

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As is usual, I’m up in the middle of the night with my cups of coffee and my cigarettes. The dog is asleep on the coffee table and the cat is asleep on the sofa, which is a more normal place to be asleep on. It’s a good thing that the coffee table is so sturdy. In fact, it is just about indestructible and can carry the weight of the dog easily. He must know that as he’s sound asleep and totally oblivious of everything. 
He’s been on two wild goose chases out on the patio looking for I know not what. He was on the trail of something, possibly a hedgehog. He didn’t find anything, but wouldn’t come in until I threatened to lock him out. He nearly got stuck in the jasmine bush and it served him right. He’s way too curious for his own good. He pretends he badly has to go out and do a piddle, only to go sniffing all over the place and ignoring me when I try to get him to come in. 
The cat’s a much simpler creature and takes care of herself. She’s so uncomplicated. Except for the occasional mouse she brings in, she’s not much trouble. There’s a huge difference in the instruction booklets of both animals. You need a bookwork for the dog and a pamphlet for the cat. Cats are self explanatory. They are completely fool proof, excuse the unintentional pun.
Yesterday I put together a new outfit of two unrelated pieces of clothing. It looked good and I was much pleased. It seems I always get lucky with my clothes and am able to mix and match a lot. Maybe it’s because I stick to the same basic colors and that the main one is black with which I combine others. I seem to pick autumn colors a lot while originally I’m supposed to be a summer colors person. I think maybe I’ve changed over the years. 
Purging my closet has made it easier to pick out outfits. I have a much better view of the clothes I have available now. I’ve put things that were folded on shelves on hangers to give me a better idea of what’s there. I have more room to do that now. It helps to get dressed if your closet is organized. There’s no hopeless searching through clothes that don’t fit or are otherwise obsolete.

It helps that the weather has been cooler because this gives me more chance to wear the clothes that I like best. Skimpy clothes are okay, but not necessarily the ones that I most want to wear. I do like dressing up a bit and I like wearing layers.
Today is Friday and one of the days I enjoy the most. I intend to make the most of it. The domestic help will be here and I’m expecting the Exfactor for coffee, but it’s really the run up to the weekend and the time I like most. The unstructured time. 
I will be watching a lot of tennis on television at Roland Garros. The weather won’t be all that great, so I won’t be outside all that much. The temperatures will be low and we’re still supposed to get that promised rain that hasn’t materialized, but maybe it will today.
I hope you’re all having a good night and sweet dreams. 
Ciao,
Nora

>An innocent dog…

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He is sound asleep in the armchair now and you wouldn’t think that he is guilty of waking me up out of a sound sleep, but he is, that darn dog. He had to go out and do a piddle and as a result I am sitting here somewhat grumpy and not quite awake with a cup of coffee. 
He was softly barking at me to let me know that he needed to go out and he couldn’t be ignored. It’s very irritating to listen to when you are trying to sleep because he keeps it up at a steady pace. There’s no rest for the wicked or even for those who have been good as gold. 
Now he is sleeping the sleep of the innocents, not even the cat can wake him, and I’m sitting here yawning. But I will be alright after another cup of coffee and not be grumpy any longer. I already feel my mood improve after this first cup. You can’t keep a good woman down forever. At least not for the duration of the night.
Speaking of keeping a good woman down, in two weeks time I am going to start decreasing my anti-psychotics in 0.5 mg increments. My psychiatrist has decided that I’m going to do it very slowly so as not to cause any mood disturbances. He said that we should have learned our lessons from the past and not decrease them too quickly. 
I can only concur and agree to this course of action. I want to decrease a total of 2 mg so that will take me several weeks. I’m much less cocky and assured of myself than I was at earlier attempts when I overestimated my ability to decrease them. I think I actually got in trouble because of that attitude. Hopefully this time things will go much better. 
I got a flat tire on the way home from seeing my psychiatrist and had to walk my way home with my bike. Luckily, it wasn’t too far. I have to pump up my tire and see if it is a true leak or just a slowly emptying tire. If it is the latter, the tire won’t have to be patched, which will save a lot of work. For the Exfactor anyway. 
I had a nice enough day. Nothing too exciting happened, which is fine with me. I like uneventful days for the most part. I talked to both my sisters on the phone and listened to their tales of woe, leaving me feeling frustrated. And then having to push away that feeling because there’s nothing I can do about any of it. Their’s are ongoing sagas that seem to have no endings. 
That’s why I like my life uncomplicated. There’s enough excitement in the lives of the people around me. I function as a sounding board. I hear it all. I would hate to have complications in my own life on top of that. I do appreciate the simplicity of my days. 
Yesterday we had beautiful weather. The sky was blue and the sun was shining all day. Today things are going to look a little differently. It’s going to be colder and overcast and rainy and it’s going to stay cooler for the next couple of days.

That means a change of clothes and I will have to look through my closet and see what is appropriate. Hopefully, something fun will jump out at me. I’m sure there are still forgotten clothes there that I will rediscover.
I’ve got to go and rediscover my bed. It’s time to sleep some more. 
I hope you’re all having a good night. 
Ciao,
Nora

>Over the hills and through the woods…

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That’s not really where I’m going. I just felt like saying that. It’s in the middle of the night and I’m sure I’m not going through the woods now. That would be a bit scary even if I had a strong flashlight. My imagination would get a hold of me and I would think of The Blair Witch. Remember that movie? That was pretty gruesome. 
No, I’m staying right where I am, safely inside by the light of the desk lamp with my cup of coffee. I do know where life is good. That’s right here with my dog and cat. 
I’ve already slept and woke up writing a blog post in my head, but I’ve forgotten what it was about. I was formulating a sentence in my head as I became conscious. I had to immediately let the dog out back when I got up and go to the toilet myself, so by the time I turned on the computer, everything I had dreamed was forgotten. 
I just made myself a small pot of fresh coffee and am drinking the first cup now. For a change, I didn’t make it so awfully strong. That was a deliberate choice on my part as I often make the coffee too strong and get too wired. I only want to drink two cups and then switch to cold milk and go back to bed and sleep some more. 
I have to see my psychiatrist at 10 o’clock in the morning, so I do have to get up on time. I’ll even have to set the alarm clock.
My SPN told me yesterday that she is pregnant, so we had a happy talk about pregnancy and what I remembered about it. I’m thrilled for her and can’t wait to see her belly grow. I had already noticed that the last few times she was wearing the same roomy tops, but had not put two and two together. 
She’s going on maternity leave in October and that will be the end of our therapy together. I told her it’s all for a good cause. What can be a nicer reason than having a baby? I certainly can’t think of one. 
The Exfactor did manage to do the groceries after all yesterday, so I didn’t have to do without milk for too long a time. I drank glasses of water when I did. They made me feel a little sick to my stomach and I was happy when I could drink milk again. Plain water doesn’t seem to agree with me very well.
I picked up the Metamucil from the pharmacy and mixed a spoonful of that in a tall glass of water and I will hopefully notice the result soon. I’m planning on using it every day and will hopefully get the rewards of it every day. It will certainly be a relief if it works. 
It’s going to be a bright and sunny day and feel warmer than it actually is. That means I can wear the same clothes I wore yesterday and I’m glad because it was a good outfit and I felt comfortable in it. I wore my favorite dress.
As I lose weight, the clothes that I wear fit me better all the time, but some things get too big and sometimes that’s a shame because I’m attached to them.  I try to shrink them in the laundry, but I only have partial success with that. Some things just need to be put on the obsolete pile. There’s no help for it. 
I hope you’re all having a good night and those of you who are still up, I hope you are having a good evening. 
Ciao,
Nora

>Soothingly familiar…

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I’m enjoying my time in the middle of the night with a fresh cup of coffee and a cigarette and the company of the dog who is lying by my feet. At least he has quieted down now and is no longer running to the back door to bark at imaginary danger. 
The coffee tastes mighty nice and puts me in a good frame of mind. It makes all the little gears in my head spin correctly and that’s important in the middle of the night when I want to make sense. I’ve already slept several hours and am now ready for some time up and about until I get tired again. 
I’m actually very thirsty and the coffee really doesn’t take care of that so much, but the milk is almost all gone and I can’t have tall glasses of it . I think I have some lemonade left and will drink a glass of that to quench my thirst before I have more coffee. Running out of milk is a real catastrophe. It should not be allowed.
Because the Exfactor is not going to be able to do the groceries today, I will have to go to the little Arab shop around the corner and buy some milk there. I pass it all the time but have not been inside yet. It is convenient to have it so close by and it will be a whole different cultural experience. 
The sugar content of the lemonade is going straight to my head and is making me cheerful. I think I will have two glasses of it. I do like to mess with the chemicals in my brain, albeit it with very harmless substances. I don’t think anyone has ever been caught driving under the influence of sugar or caffeine. I think I may have needed a little pick me up. 
This afternoon I have an appointment with my SPN  and on my way home I will go by the pharmacy to pick up the Metamucil. I had to order it especially in the size packaging and flavor I wanted. I can’t wait to start using it to see what difference it will make. I expect it to do wonders. Like I said, I used to use it in California and it will get rid of my bloated belly and then some. 
During this meeting with my SPN I will hear how much longer she will be my therapist. She was going to try and be it for 6 months longer, but had to get permission for that. I’m curious what the outcome will be. If it means that I have to become more independent, then so be it. I am more than ready for it and not afraid to be. 
We do grow up and have to learn to find out own way.

I thought maybe it was a fluke when I went on the bathroom scale yesterday and had lost a kilo, but I went on it again a while ago and it was true. I want to lose 4.5 kilos and then I’ll probably be happy. I think that will be the most weight I can expect to lose. That’s more than the Obesitas Specialist said I could expect to lose. I’m already past his goal. 
Well, I think I’ll get ready to go back to bed. I’ve got a lot of sleeping left to do and a lot of time to do it in. 
I hope you’re all having a good night. 
Ciao,
Nora