The Dueling Dutch Woman

The Adventures of a Middle Aged Dutch Woman

Archive for nap

Poppies and such…

I’ve decided not to read in bed anymore. It was disturbing my night’s sleep and upsetting my schedule because I got too caught up in the book and didn’t go to sleep when I was supposed to. So now I only read during the day in my armchair whenever I have a spare moment and I do have enough of them. I don’t read non stop because I don’t completely want to lose myself in the book to the exclusion of everything else. It is so easy to lose track of everything and time and forget the world around me. So I do put a limit on how much time I spend reading at one stretch. Every once in a while I have to put down the book and do something completely different.

It’s not like it was in the olden days when I could let myself go and spend a whole afternoon doing nothing but read and completely shut out the world around me. I don’t feel comfortable doing that anymore. I would feel too disconnected. I do feel that I regularly have to stay in touch with reality and be reminded of it and even take part in it. I also have to do the ordinary things like the dishes and walk the dog and watch the news on TV. The last is especially important because it makes me feel connected to the here and now and that’s very important to me.

I suppose that’s why I like listening to the radio so much when I lie in bed at night. The programs deal with current events and I always feel up to date and I hear a lot of the news on the radio. I hear more of the details that I don’t hear on the news on TV.  There are a lot of background stories and interesting guests on the talk shows. The same goes for when I take my nap in the afternoon because I go to sleep listening to political discussions about some current issue. I’m better informed now that I listen to the radio than I was before and all sorts of points of view are represented, though they all are sensible ones and well thought out. There’s no idiotic shouting just to make noise and intimidate. Everything is very civilized.

The fields have been mowed and the wildflowers have been cut down. Except for in the flowerbeds, there are no poppies left. All the chamomile has been cut down too. Now I’ll have to wait a while and see what comes up next. It’s still raining regularly, so hopefully that will help with whatever is going to decide to grow. It’s a shame to see everything gone, but it can’t be helped. Beside the street, on the stretches of grass that have not been mowed, there is wild yarrow growing and I hope to see more of it. There’s always hope for new plants.

Today is going to be a peaceful day. The Exfactor will be here to do the groceries, thank goodness, because I’m almost out of milk. I don’t have any appointments. I didn’t think it was necessary to make one with my psychiatrist and my SPN is on holiday until the 27th.  I will see her next week but I don’t have any pressing problems. I don’t consider the issue of the ‘Black Dog’ serious enough. He is slowly slinking away. I do have to have some amount of self sufficiency and to be able to get myself through these spells. It’s good for my ego if I do. I do have to show some amount of inner strength.

It’s going to rain again today and it will be for the rest of the week. I don’t mind it too much as long as I get the chance to take out the dog regularly. It’s quite cozy inside when it’s raining. I still have the bedroom windows open and it’s not cold inside, though outside it isn’t all that warm. I just have to make sure that I wear enough clothes. My black leather jacket is coming in real handy, although it’s getting a little big on me.

I haven’t been on the bathroom scale, but I think I’m losing weight because my latest skirt is getting a bit big on me, even after I washed it. I’ll have to try and remember to get on the scale when I get up again this morning and I’m in my underwear. That’s always when I weigh the least and that’s the weight I go by. I do want to weigh myself at the most opportune moment.

I’m going back to bed. It will be nice and warm in there under the duvet.

Have a good morning when you get up.

Ciao,

Nora

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Awake, am I…?

I would really and truly be sound asleep still if the dog had not woken me up, of that I am convinced. He did have to start barking and in my sleep I thought I had to remove something from his throat to make the barking stop. That’s until I woke up and I realized that was not possible and he just wanted to tell me that he had to go out back for a piddle.

Darn dog. He does have bad timing. I considered going back to bed, but then decided to stay up for a while and have my coffee and write this post. It’s good to sit here half asleep in a stupor and to try to make sense. It’s a bit of a challenge that I’m willing to take on. I do like that half awake state of being I’m in anyway. I feel sort of dopey and it’s very pleasant to force myself into the mental activity that I’m almost not up to.

No doubt I’ll be better up to it once the coffee starts working and that will be a whole different experience too. You see how I like to play with the different states of my mind and live vicariously through all of them. As long as I’m good natured, I see no problem. And good natured  I am, make no mistake about it.  As a rule, I’m not foul mooded when I wake up.

Yesterday was a fine day. It went by quickly and I enjoyed t well enough. The Exfactor was here to do the groceries and he stopped by the pet shop to buy the dog another rubber toy. It was a great success. It is a rooster instead of a rabbit like he had the last time and he’s very busy chewing it to pieces. I don’t know how long it will last, but he’s having a very good time with it.

Thank goodness there’s milk again and I can have tall glasses of it. That’s what I missed most of all. All the rest of the groceries I didn’t care about.  Not that they weren’t necessary, of course. I’ve stopped eating chocolate pudding and now have vanilla pudding instead. I thought it might be a little lower in calories. I eat the same amount every day, so maybe I will see the difference on the bathroom scale. I keep forgetting to get on it first thing in the morning in my underwear, so I don’t know exactly what I weigh now.

My psychiatrist called me and had expected me to have reduced the anti-psychotics by half a milligram starting last Friday. I had to be honest with him and tell him that I had reduced them with a full milligram two weeks ago. He was not that happy with me for taking such a chance and for not informing him earlier that I had done so. Luckily, it had a good outcome, but it very easily also could not have had. He is trying to instill in me the precariousness of my situation and the danger of slipping into an instable mood. I’m not to undertake these actions on my own.

I’m going to stay on the dose that I am on now for a while and make sure I’m completely stable. In a few months we’ll try to reduce it more. I really feel good and have no problems with my moods. I’m not going up and down and generally feel the same every day. I’m quite content with how I feel and have no complaints. I would always like to feel this good. I think what I did was the right thing. I did it instinctively and I don’t feel like I’ve made a mistake. I would have gone back to the original dose if there had been a problem.

This morning at 9 o’clock my personal helper is going to be here because she couldn’t be here on Monday. I’m looking forward to it with mixed feelings. She can help me do the dishes, so that’s good. We can walk the dog together. I don’t know what else to do with her except pass the time as well as possible.

We’re supposed to have spotty showers today, but the temperatures are going to be good. It’s not at all going to be cold. I’m looking forward to the day because, except for my personal helper, the rest of the day will be very uneventful. That’s just the way I like it. I don’t really enjoy being up that early in the morning, I like sleeping later than that, but I’ll take my usual nap in the afternoon to make up for it.

I’ve got my clothes picked out and they are very comfortable and just right for this kind of weather. I’ve been wearing my high tops because it’s so nice to walk in them and they’re easy to get on. My hair has been especially no nonsense and I’ve had to do hardly anything to it in the morning. I just run my fingers through it and it’s in place. I guess it’s just the right length now.

I suppose I’ll go back to bed for a few hours. I can get a little bit of sleep yet.

I hope you’ll all have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

Stalking the night…

The first thing I did when I got up tonight, was make myself a wonderful pot of freshly brewed coffee instead of drinking that old heated up in the microwave stuff. That was just about the kindest thing I could have done for myself. I’m enjoying a cup of it now and very nice it tastes too. I thought, why short change myself with bad tasting coffee when with a little more effort I can have the real thing? Sometimes I forget to treat myself with the kindness I deserve. That everybody deserves, so I hope you all treat yourselves well at every opportunity.

When I went on the bathroom scale yesterday morning, I discovered that I had lost another kilo. This leaves me 3.5 kilos short of my latest goal. I’ve already reached two goals and this is my third one. I may set a new goal after I reach this one, it depends on how easily I lose the weight. No doubt I will lose more weight quickly when I cut down on my medicines soon. This particular one is well known for weight gain, so I’m expecting to lose weight as I decrease it. That’s not the reason why I’m cutting down, but it’s a nice benefit of it.

I’m becoming my old skinny self again, someone I haven’t been in a number of years. It’s a great relief to be getting my old body back. Well, of course, it’s been ravaged by time and middle age. It’s not quite the body I used to have. I will need to have some surgery done on my stomach to get rid of excess skin. That’s where most of the weight gain was. I had an apple shape. All of me is skinny now except not quite there in that area.

I had a nice day yesterday, although I didn’t do anything special. I walked the dog a number of times and watched sports on television. I’m becoming a real sports addict and watch a number of them. I even watch field hockey, which I used to think was boring. I do enjoy the tennis at Roland Garros and can watch it for hours if they are good matches. I like to watch Federer play. He’s poetry in motion.

I didn’t get around to reading my book as the animals decided to take up a lot of my time every moment that I sat down in my armchair. There was always one climbing on my lap wanting to be petted. I suppose yesterday was animal bonding day. That’s what Sundays must be for. Every time I gave them a kind look, it was reason for them to come get attention from me.

We all did take a nap in the afternoon and I woke up very groggy and had to be resuscitated with coffee and cigarettes and then a refreshing walk with Tyke, followed by dinner and lots of cold milk for my never ending thirst. I had my pajamas and bathrobe on before I remembered to take out the trash. I watched a quiz show on television and got a lot of the answers right and felt superior. It’s probably different when you actually stand there in front of the cameras and have to give the answers.

I’m not especially looking forward to today. The personal helper and the domestic help will be here. I’m not too thrilled about it. It will be nice to have a clean apartment, but I’m not looking forward to the company. The personal helper wants to micro manage me to pieces and I have to put a halt to it. I will do that today. The domestic help wants to sit and visit too much and I will have to put an end to that also. I do want to be in charge of my own life and my own day and time.

Tomorrow will be a much better day. My time will be my own and I have no appointments, except that the Exfactor is going to be here to do the groceries. You have no idea how much I appreciate my freedom. I need lots of breathing space and room to move around in. Other people can make me feel trapped, especially if I feel they need to be entertained and amused and kept busy.

I’ve got to go back to bed now and get a couple of hours more sleep before the personal helper gets here. I do want to be coherent before she shows up, so I have to set my alarm clock.

I hope you’ll all have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

Just take some pills…

I just woke up from an afternoon nap and for a change I’m not feeling all that great. I’m grouchy and grumpy and basically in a bad mood. To take care of this, I’ve made myself a fresh pot of coffee and I’m now drinking my second cup. I hope that it will improve my outlook.  I don’t like myself this way, but as I drink the coffee, I see little glimmers of light and I think there will be improvement soon.

I’ve also taken my evening dose of medicines. When all else fails, there are always the medicines to take. A couple of pills will always bring relief. I can count on that. Such is my faith in them.

Of course, it helps if you sit down and write about what is happening to you. If you put it in words, you are bound to feel better. I am a great believer in that. The moment I put down that I’m in a bad mood, I am less so. The sheer act of making it public makes me feel better. At least it’s not a dark secret I’m carrying around with me. I publicly announce that I’m a grouch and a grump.

I do dislike pretending I’m cheerful when I’m not. I think people ought to be allowed to be grumpy when they feel like it. As long as they don’t make any casualties it should be okay. You have to get over your grumpiness in your own time and at your own rate. As long as you make an effort and don’t get stuck in it. It is always my intention to get over it as quickly as I can.

There, I’m over it now and can be normal again, whatever is meant by that. I can think straight anyway. And as I write that, the sun is coming out again. That is a welcome sight, as it has been playing peekaboo behind the clouds all day. And we still haven’t got any rain. It’s useless trying to wish for any, we’re just not going to get it.

Maybe that is just as well because I still have to take the dog out for a walk and I certainly don’t want to get rained on. The dog is lying by my feet waiting very patiently for me to take him. I should say that he is impatient. Every once in a while he jumps up against me and looks at me with begging eyes. I’m so cruel to make him wait.

I better go get my shoes and jacket on and take him out. I’ve missed the 6 o’clock news as it is. It will be nice to get some fresh air and  exercise. After that I can get my pajamas and bathrobe on and vegetate in front of the television.

I hope you’re all having a good weekend.

Ciao,

Nora

>Trying not to be too shallow…

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It’s the same setting as it usually is: the middle of the night and me in it with a cup of coffee and lots of silence. I wouldn’t want to change anything about the formula, though it does become very repetitive as a description of my situation. I could just leave it out and not even describe it, but that does not seem right somehow. I do want to give you some idea of the circumstances I find myself writing under. I need it as a preamble to the rest of the story, although that is a very simple one. 
I spent a good deal of the day sleeping. I slept the whole morning after I went back to bed after being up half the night. I didn’t get up until it was almost noon. I didn’t feel bad about this and certainly didn’t feel as if I had wasted half of the day. I like sleeping because I don’t do enough of it at night, so whatever sleep I get in the morning is most welcome. 
I spent a long time drinking coffee before I felt I could function and get dressed and walk the dog. By that time, he was more than ready to go and his patience had worn thin. He had been out back for a piddle, but that’s not the same thing as going for a walk. 
I dressed warm, because it was a cold and dreary day. I wore a double layer of clothes and my jacket and a scarf, although the last item may have een a bit overdone. I was very nice and warm anyway and not bothered in the least by the chilly wind. I had vowed not to feel cold anymore after the weather had been so beautiful, so I’m taking all these measures not to. 
Call me a spoiled Western European woman, but I don’t want to be cold anymore after this winter and having felt the premature warmth of the early spring. So, when the sun didn’t appear to warm up the living room through the windows, and the temperature in the apartment stayed low, I closed the bedroom window and turned on the heater even though I was also wearing my warm, woolly cardigan.
It continued to be a dreary day and later in the afternoon, being overcome by the need to hibernate, I went to bed and took a long nap. It was ever so warm and comfortable and when I got up, the apartment was a very pleasant temperature. 
I had a cup of coffee to clear the last of the sleep from my mind and ate most of a bowl of chicken soup with pasta and shared what was leftover with the dog. Later in the evening I had chocolate pudding and a tall glass of milk. 
I watched the news, which was not that uplifting as news nowadays isn’t. A policeman had been shot dead with his own gun. There were wild west scenes as the gunman exchanged fire with other policemen and the gunman was wounded. Needless to say, the police will be the subject of much scrutiny. Isn’t that always the way it goes. The gunman had earlier murdered a woman and was on the run. It sounds to me like he ought to be the subject of much scrutiny.
I tried to watch more television, but I really wanted to go to bed. I postponed it as long as I could, but finally just went. I laid in bed for a while listening to the radio before I turned the light off and pulled the duvet over me. I was asleep in the shortest amount of time and slept for 4 hours until I got up again.
Now I am getting sleepy again and I’m yawning. I will have to go back to bed. The domestic help is going to be here today and I have to get up on time. I can’t sleep until noon. 
I hope you’ll all have a nice day.
Ciao,
Nora

>Quickly done…

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I’ve made myself a cup of coffee to get the cobwebs out of my mind from the nap I just took. Hopefully it will perk me up soon or I will have to keep yawning. Naps are supposed to revitalize me, but very often I’m a bit of a wreck afterwards. There must be something appealing about them, though, otherwise I wouldn’t keep taking them. Every so often I must be tired enough to need them.
I always feel like eating something when I wake up from my naps and I go look in the kitchen for something good. This time I had a package of crackers and I shared them with the dog because I couldn’t finish them. The dog usually gets the last bit of any food I eat because I can’t finish it. It’s become a tradition. He sits by my side while I eat and waits for the leftovers.
Speaking of food, I remembered to go on the bathroom scale first thing this morning and I had lost a whole kilo. This despite the fact that I’ve been eating very well. It must be because I’m eating healthy and in small portions that I’m losing weight. I was not expecting it with the amount of medication I’m still taking. It’s hard to lose weight with those medicines. 
I’m going to try and lose another 3 kilos. That’s my next goal. Of course, I should ignore my weight now and not go on the scale anymore. That would be the best tactic. I hope I just forget to weigh myself first thing in the morning because anything after that isn’t going to count.
The cup of coffee has worked its magic and the cobwebs are gone. I’ve also stopped yawning. It’s almost time for the 6 o’clock new so I have to hurry up and finish this. It’s turning into a little bitty post. 
I hope you’re all having a good day.
Ciao,
Nora

>Exist only here…

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I’m existing in a dream state because I just woke up from an hour long nap and I’m really not properly awake. I’ve decided to remain like this as long as I possibly can because I feel untouchable, as if reality has nothing to do with me. It is very pleasant and I don’t want anything to come along and burst my bubble.
In order to make this feeling last, I’ve just taken a tranquilizer and I hope that I will transition slowly from the sleep induced state of mind into the medicinal induced state of mind. I don’t want there to be the least amount of upset. I want to feel as tranquil as I feel now for the rest of the day. Whatever it takes to get there… So help me God. 
My first ex-husband, the American, is going to be in town the weekend of the 15th. He hadn’t told me about this, but contacted my sister whose house he will stay at. I haven’t had contact with him in quite a few years and have been satisfied with that. As far as it has been possible, I have dealt with the past and I thought that he was a closed chapter in my book.
When my sister let me know that he was going to be here, I at first reacted like she did and thought it might be a fun thing, but soon after that I began to change my mind. I realized that in fact I had all sorts of unfinished business with him, but that the only way to deal with that would be in a therapeutic environment guided by a good psychologist. I could not just casually meet him at my sister’s house and have a cup of coffee and dinner and a glass of wine and talk about the weather and other unimportant issues like we were bound to. 
I let my sister know last night that I didn’t want to meet my ex because of this and she was full of understanding. A weight fell off my shoulders and I’m so glad that I made this decision. I would have had to play act and that would have been against my own principles. It wouldn’t have served any purpose other than to again give him the sense that everything was great as usual, which is something that I’ve always done. I’ve never had ‘the’ confrontation with him or let him know any of my grievances. I just left

On top of everything, the 16th is our late son’s birthday and that is always a bit of a tough day. I certainly don’t need any extra stress on top of it.
Well, that will get you out of your bubble of tranquility, won’t it? I will move right back into it again. I will smoke a cigarette and contemplate my navel for a while.
Have a good day.
Ciao,
Nora