The Dueling Dutch Woman

The Adventures of a Middle Aged Dutch Woman

Archive for sleep

Early bedtime?

Apparently I’m not supposed to go to bed on time at night. It is completely futile that I do because I do nothing but lay there and waste my time trying to fall asleep. It would be wonderful if I dozed off, but I don’t even do such a thing. I’m just wide awake and completely aware of my surroundings. I have silent communications with the dog and the cat who can’t go to sleep either as long as I don’t.  We all toss and turn and switch positions to get the most comfortable we can be, but it is all to no avail until I finally announce that I’m getting up and that sets the troops in action. We all move to the living room where everybody finds their spot.

One of the problems was, that for some reason there was no British thriller on tonight. There’s going to be tomorrow night and the night after that, but none this evening. This p*ssed me off a little bit because I had gotten so used to there always being one. There was other ‘amusement’ on the TV, but it was nothing that I was happy with. As a result, I went to bed early thinking that I would be happy listening to the radio, but it wasn’t so. The subjects that were discussed didn’t interest me all that much and I was just out of sorts. Sleep seemed like a good solution, but it didn’t come, despite my sleeping pills.

I cut my hair today because I decided that it was too long and didn’t make me look good. That’s because I was wearing my glasses and I thought I looked like a very average run of the mill woman without any pizazz. I wanted to do something about that quickly so I grabbed the scissors and started cutting. I did do it very carefully and it turned out alright. At least I have more bounce to my hair now and it is a little perkier. I will have to go to the hairdresser to have it properly evened out in the back, but I can take my time doing that. I’ll see if I can go next week some time.

I was supposed to have a domestic help today, but she never showed up. I will have to call on Monday to find out what happened to her. I still haven’t got my regular Friday domestic help back and I don’t know what’s wrong with her. I haven’t seen her in ages, but I sure do miss her. She does such a nice thorough job of cleaning the place. I hope she’s back on the job soon.

It rained off and on all day and one time the dog and I got rained on when we were out for a walk. It wasn’t too much rain and we didn’t get too wet. We weren’t too far away from home because I had anticipated that it was going to rain. Next week, for a few days, the temperatures are going to be almost tropical and then we’ll have rain again. This crazy Dutch weather!

I’m sitting here dressed very warmly in my gray cardigan. I have the windows closed and the heater turned on because both the dog and I were cold. I will reverse all of that before I go back to bed. I like sleeping better in a cool bedroom. I just didn’t like sitting up feeling cold. I was desirous of warmth and so was the dog because he was shivering. He would after he had all of his curls cut off. He’s almost naked now.

He was sitting in front of the window for a long time this afternoon and I thought maybe he was contemplating his navel because there was nothing to see outside. Maybe he has a rich, secret inner life that requires a lot of pondering, although he’s really not the type for it because he’s way too optimistic and good natured. Maybe he has secret, happy thoughts. I can imagine that.

Sometimes the cat sits beside him and helps him look out the window. They both must be having the same fantasies while they stare into the distance at nothing at all. Not that much happens out in the street. Maybe it’s a form of meditation and it calms them down. Maybe I have animals that are into Buddhism the same as I am.

I think I will go to bed now. I do feel sleepy and I think it’s time. I hope I don’t feel the need to get up again tonight. It would be awfully misguided.

Ciao,

Nora

Advertisements

Staying up past my bedtime…

I tried to go to sleep, I really did. I made an honest effort and laid under the duvet with my eyes closed and my body as relaxed as I could get it. Then the animals started cavorting on the bed as if I wasn’t in it. I pushed them both off and started the falling asleep process all over again, but it was to no avail. I just couldn’t reach that magical state of mind called slumber. I was wide awake for some reason and I knew I had to get up and start the process over again from scratch.

So here I’m sitting with a cup of coffee only slightly dopey, but full of good intentions. The dopiness is from the sleeping pills I took that didn’t quite work and that give me a pleasant feeling of a slight drug inducement. I’m yawning a little bit, but it’s not so bad that the tears are running down my face. I’m not sleepy, but pleasantly high, though not to the point that I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. It will wear off in a while like it always does. It’s just a temporary condition. I’d like to feel this way always. Talk about escapism.

My two pairs of jeans arrived this afternoon and I needn’t have worried about them being too tight because they fit just fine. As a matter of fact, the next time I order jeans, I can get them a size smaller easily. They truly are skinny jeans and these are hip huggers and I can pull them off and on without unbuttoning or unzipping them. I have no bottom and no thighs. I wore the one pair for the rest of the day and they were very comfortable. I felt skinny and like I had long legs. That was a whole new experience.

I can greatly recommend getting skinny jeans if they fit you. They are ever so flattering and then of course, I have all these tops to go with them. I put what I wore with them in the laundry tonight and will have to get something out of my closet in the morning that’s equally exciting. No doubt I will find something. I want to look sexy at my age. I haven’t for such a long time and I want to look attractive at least from a distance. Never mind what I look like up close, although I do my best for that too.

The dog was trimmed this morning and when the Exfactor brought him home he looked like another dog. He was cut so short that I hardly recognized him. He looked feistier and less cuddly and seemed to act that way too. Of course, he was super excited from his outing and took some time to settle down. I spent the rest of the day playing with him and cuddling him so we could bond again. He sure appreciated that and it worked well. I felt that we needed to re-establish our relationship because he was being so silly.

While the dog was gone, the cat walked all over the apartment looking for him and she greeted him extensively when he came home. She does miss him when he is gone, even though he can be such a pest.

I gave the dog his new dog food in the afternoon and it seems we have a winner with this one. He emptied his bowl in one fell swoop. He usually dawdles over his food and takes forever to finish it. I think he used to eat with reluctance and now he eats with an appetite.

Tonight was another British thriller night and we had a new episode of Inspector Linley. This started 6 months after he had lost his wife Helen to the shooting and he was drowning his sorrow in booze, but got over it by solving a particularly horrid case. I was spellbound and on the edge of my seat. I do love Inspector Linley and his sidekick Barbara. It was a thoroughly satisfying evening, but it does put me to bed late. I don’t know yet what’s on tomorrow night, but I hope it’s equally exciting.

By the way, I answer your comments by writing a reply comment. You can keep track of those by clicking on the little box beside ‘notify me of follow up comments.’  I’m not ignoring you. I don’t know a better way to reply.

I think I’ll go back to bed to sleep some more.

Have a good day when you get up.

Ciao,

Nora

 

 

In the early dawn…

The first birds have just started to sing and their timing is excellent because I’ve gotten up just a while ago and am ready for the day to start. The sun won’t rise for another hour, though, and in the meantime I will sit here with my coffee and cigarettes and write this post. I feel wide awake, but that may be a temporary condition and I may be struck by sleep yet and have to go back to bed later. It all depends on how much I like being up already so early in the morning. It may not turn out to be the great thing that I think it is now.

The Exfactor is going to be here at 10 am to pick up the dog to take him to the dog trim salon to have his fur trimmed. Hopefully it will not be raining then as we are expecting a few showers today. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it will stay dry this morning, at least until the dog is safely dropped of. It would be hard to trim him if he’s wet.

The Exfactor is doing me an enormous favor by taking the dog there, as it is impossible for me to make the trip there and back twice. I get an enormous lower backache if I try. It’s just too much of an effort for me. The Exfactor does it so much more easily as he does seem to do everything more easily when it comes to physical effort. He’s a wiry and strong man and does things with half as much effort as I do.

As I had planned, I watched the first British thriller last night. I was perfectly set for it and had put on my pajamas and bathrobe so that I would be able to go straight to bed afterwards. I watched the first episode of the series ‘Case Sensitive’ and I must say that it was very good. I didn’t know who had done it until the whole thing began to become unraveled. It had many satisfying surprises in it. I must become used to the investigating duo, but their relationship will evolve as the series evolves. It’s all a matter of chemistry, I’m sure.

Today I’m expecting my new skinny jeans and I’m looking forward to getting them. I took a chance by ordering them a size smaller and I may have to push and shove my way into them and they still may not fit. I won’t know until I actually try them on. I will be keeping them if they are too tight because I know they eventually will fit. It would only be a matter of time until they did. But I’m running way ahead of myself and just have to wait and see. I’m just preparing myself for all the eventualities.

I have to do the dishes and a load of laundry and put away the dry clothes. I also have to order a new supply of medicines. For me this is an eventful day and I look forward to it with some amount of anticipation. Anything out of the ordinary tends to set me wobbling. I must make sure that I stay very grounded. I don’t like for many things to be different. I like plain ordinariness the best.

I’m going to take my medicines and go back to bed for a little while. I can sleep for a few more hours. I’ll have to set the alarm clock so I’ll be up on time.

Have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

 

Poppies and such…

I’ve decided not to read in bed anymore. It was disturbing my night’s sleep and upsetting my schedule because I got too caught up in the book and didn’t go to sleep when I was supposed to. So now I only read during the day in my armchair whenever I have a spare moment and I do have enough of them. I don’t read non stop because I don’t completely want to lose myself in the book to the exclusion of everything else. It is so easy to lose track of everything and time and forget the world around me. So I do put a limit on how much time I spend reading at one stretch. Every once in a while I have to put down the book and do something completely different.

It’s not like it was in the olden days when I could let myself go and spend a whole afternoon doing nothing but read and completely shut out the world around me. I don’t feel comfortable doing that anymore. I would feel too disconnected. I do feel that I regularly have to stay in touch with reality and be reminded of it and even take part in it. I also have to do the ordinary things like the dishes and walk the dog and watch the news on TV. The last is especially important because it makes me feel connected to the here and now and that’s very important to me.

I suppose that’s why I like listening to the radio so much when I lie in bed at night. The programs deal with current events and I always feel up to date and I hear a lot of the news on the radio. I hear more of the details that I don’t hear on the news on TV.  There are a lot of background stories and interesting guests on the talk shows. The same goes for when I take my nap in the afternoon because I go to sleep listening to political discussions about some current issue. I’m better informed now that I listen to the radio than I was before and all sorts of points of view are represented, though they all are sensible ones and well thought out. There’s no idiotic shouting just to make noise and intimidate. Everything is very civilized.

The fields have been mowed and the wildflowers have been cut down. Except for in the flowerbeds, there are no poppies left. All the chamomile has been cut down too. Now I’ll have to wait a while and see what comes up next. It’s still raining regularly, so hopefully that will help with whatever is going to decide to grow. It’s a shame to see everything gone, but it can’t be helped. Beside the street, on the stretches of grass that have not been mowed, there is wild yarrow growing and I hope to see more of it. There’s always hope for new plants.

Today is going to be a peaceful day. The Exfactor will be here to do the groceries, thank goodness, because I’m almost out of milk. I don’t have any appointments. I didn’t think it was necessary to make one with my psychiatrist and my SPN is on holiday until the 27th.  I will see her next week but I don’t have any pressing problems. I don’t consider the issue of the ‘Black Dog’ serious enough. He is slowly slinking away. I do have to have some amount of self sufficiency and to be able to get myself through these spells. It’s good for my ego if I do. I do have to show some amount of inner strength.

It’s going to rain again today and it will be for the rest of the week. I don’t mind it too much as long as I get the chance to take out the dog regularly. It’s quite cozy inside when it’s raining. I still have the bedroom windows open and it’s not cold inside, though outside it isn’t all that warm. I just have to make sure that I wear enough clothes. My black leather jacket is coming in real handy, although it’s getting a little big on me.

I haven’t been on the bathroom scale, but I think I’m losing weight because my latest skirt is getting a bit big on me, even after I washed it. I’ll have to try and remember to get on the scale when I get up again this morning and I’m in my underwear. That’s always when I weigh the least and that’s the weight I go by. I do want to weigh myself at the most opportune moment.

I’m going back to bed. It will be nice and warm in there under the duvet.

Have a good morning when you get up.

Ciao,

Nora

An honest effort…

I woke up in a sweat with my hair all wet. I don’t know why, it’s not that warm in here and the bedroom window was open. They say it’s good to sleep with a cool head, that you sleep better then. That certainly didn’t apply to me tonight. I had a hot and sweaty head and woke up from it. I felt like laying a bag of frozen peas on it, but it’s cooling off as I sit here now with my cup of coffee and my hair is drying up. I think I will not wear socks when I go back to bed next. Maybe I should go to bed naked.

I took refuge in my bed early tonight because staying up was too much of an effort. The ‘black dog’ was breathing down my neck and making me think unpleasant thoughts that i was not in the mood for thinking. They were totally useless and unnecessary thoughts and served no purpose whatsoever. The only thing they did was get me down. I could think of only one escape and that was safely lying in bed listening to the radio. Luckily, that was almost enough of a diversion until I went to sleep.

Sleep is the only true diversion from my thoughts and when I wake up, I feel better for at least a while afterwards. Such are its restorative powers.

The Exfactor was here yesterday and he bought me a loaf of sliced white bread and a box of dark chocolate sprinkles. Now, when I have a craving, I have a slice of bread with that on it and I feel so good. It’s like manna from heaven. It satisfies my deepest longings. That’s the craving I always get when the ‘black dog’ is visiting. At least the gastric band limits how many of these slices of bread I can eat. I’m not a lost cause altogether.

There’s a part of me that wants to be upbeat and happy and that wants to fight against the downbeat and dark side of me. That must be because it’s the middle of the night and there’s room for both of them. It would be the only time that there were. I don’t feel this way during the day.

I just let the dog out back and stood outside by the back door. It was so nice and cool out there. It was very refreshing. I feel properly chilled now and am going to have to put on my bathrobe. There was moonshine with just a few clouds and no wind, just cold night air. It would have been nice to have gone for a walk in it, but I’m too chicken to do it.

In spite of everything, yesterday went by quickly. There was some respite in the form of television, but I was put off by what I saw on the news and the weekly chat with the prime minister who’s as slippery as an eel. My toes curl when I listen to him talk. He’s so very much not my favorite person. I wouldn’t shake his hand if I met him.

There’s a lot of nonsense on television in the summer season which has already started. It’s when you have to push the off button and refuse to watch it. It’s the negative aspect of summertime.

I’m going to have to go back to bed.  I’m not really ready to, but I don’t know what else to do. There’s no other sort of trouble I can get into. I’m going to have to be well behaved.

Ciao,

Nora

 

 

 

 

 

An intruder…

I think I detect the presence of an intruder. One I’m not happy with at all. I think it is the ‘Black Dog’ come to make my life a little more miserable. I noticed him first yesterday afternoon when I tried to write a post and found that I couldn’t do it. Try as I might. After that unsuccessful attempt, I walked my own dog and I felt the “Black Dog’ on my heels, following me wherever I went.

I tried to ignore him at first, but realized that was futile and that is was best to recognize his presence. It’s best to face him head on and to not furtively try to escape him. With that realization came a feeling of relief because I felt that I knew my enemy and that I was familiar with the situation. I know what to do. I’ve handled this before.

I feel a huge amount of tiredness and I have an ‘oh, I don’t care attitude,’  but I mustn’t let that get the overhand, of course. I will mollycoddle myself to some extent and be extra kind to myself and go out of my way to do extra nice things that will make me feel good. Everything does seem an effort, though, and I am going to have a hard time fulfilling some of my duties.

I crave chocolate sandwiches and wish I had some real chocolate sprinkles in the cupboard. I have bread in the freezer. That’s something I ought not to do, however. It would be foolish to give into that craving, no matter how comforting it would be. I guess that’s what I want, real comforting food.

What I want more than anything is to be safe and that means being inside the apartment and not going anywhere. It also means that I want to sleep a lot, but that’s not possible because after a while you’ve slept all you can. There’s only a certain amount of that you can do. I do still like being up in the middle of the night, although it’s not the same cheerful experience that is usually is. It’s still of some comfort to me, though.

But I refuse to dwell only on the negative and must find something positive to write about.

Yesterday it actually rained. Several times the heavens opened up and the rain came falling straight down from them. Each time I thought I would have to start building an ark and then just as suddenly the rain stopped and the sun came out again.

Well, I’m sorry, that’s just about as positive as I can get right now. I keep having visions of different kinds of foods in my head that are all unobtainable to me.  I guess that when I get depressed, I think about food a lot.  I not only think about it, I want to eat it too. What I need now is a car and a 24 hour supermarket.

I just ate a bowl of vanilla pudding and that took care of the worst cravings.  My stomach is full now.

I don’t seem to be boiling over with enthusiasm. Everything is on the back burner. I would love to be more lively and a little bit more animated. Instead I feel like a big dull lump. I’m just about as unmovable.

I suppose I will give this another try tomorrow and see how I feel then. Maybe a good night’s rest will help.

Ciao,

Nora

 

 

No rest for the wicked…

I’ve barely slept yet. I decided to go to bed early, but the dog just jumped on the bed and decided to lick me awake very enthusiastically. It turned out that he had to go out back for a piddle an this is a new tactic for waking me up. I must say that I prefer it to being barked awake. This is a much kinder way of being woken up. There’s nothing like being slobbered in the face by a happy puppy. I had to push him off me in order to be able to get up, but he figured that out quickly enough. He’s a pretty hefty dog and hard to move, so it helps if he co-operates. .

Now he’s lying by my feet and he’s sound asleep. Actually, he ‘s lying on top of my feet as is his usual thing to do. He needs to be in the closest contact with me and I can’t move my feet, even though I have to eventually. I’ll get cramp in my legs if I don’t. Other than that, it’s nice and warm to have him lie there. At least I don’t need to wear socks. His body always generates heat.

I don’t know what happened to the cat in all the turmoil. She was lying beside my pillows, but I think maybe she went outside too. I haven’t seen her since and she must be on the prowl. As long as she doesn’t come home with a mouse, it’s okay… No, I just checked. She’s still asleep on the bed. She’s a good loyal cat. She knows when she’s comfortable. Apparently the dog’s antics didn’t bother her one bit. That goes to show you that she is used to quite a bit.

I’m so sleepy headed still. I’m making myself a small pot of freshly brewed coffee. Hopefully that will perk me up for a while. At least until I get ready to go back to bed again. By that time I will be drinking cold milk. I had two glasses of mild orange juice last night and took some antacid tablets and they really helped. I didn’t have my stomach bother me one bit. It is a good solution and I get my vitamin C in too.

Yesterday went well, even the visit with my personal helper did.  She was not so pushy and not micro managing me. Maybe that’s because I’m more assertive. It puts us more on equal footing, which is how it should be. I also found out that she has high blood pressure and that she’s going through the menopause, so I must keep that in mind when dealing with her.

Well, I’ve been sitting here for half an hour now without anything to add so I think I will end this post and go do something else until I’m ready to go back to sleep.

I hope you’re all having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora