The Dueling Dutch Woman

The Adventures of a Middle Aged Dutch Woman

Archive for safety

An intruder…

I think I detect the presence of an intruder. One I’m not happy with at all. I think it is the ‘Black Dog’ come to make my life a little more miserable. I noticed him first yesterday afternoon when I tried to write a post and found that I couldn’t do it. Try as I might. After that unsuccessful attempt, I walked my own dog and I felt the “Black Dog’ on my heels, following me wherever I went.

I tried to ignore him at first, but realized that was futile and that is was best to recognize his presence. It’s best to face him head on and to not furtively try to escape him. With that realization came a feeling of relief because I felt that I knew my enemy and that I was familiar with the situation. I know what to do. I’ve handled this before.

I feel a huge amount of tiredness and I have an ‘oh, I don’t care attitude,’  but I mustn’t let that get the overhand, of course. I will mollycoddle myself to some extent and be extra kind to myself and go out of my way to do extra nice things that will make me feel good. Everything does seem an effort, though, and I am going to have a hard time fulfilling some of my duties.

I crave chocolate sandwiches and wish I had some real chocolate sprinkles in the cupboard. I have bread in the freezer. That’s something I ought not to do, however. It would be foolish to give into that craving, no matter how comforting it would be. I guess that’s what I want, real comforting food.

What I want more than anything is to be safe and that means being inside the apartment and not going anywhere. It also means that I want to sleep a lot, but that’s not possible because after a while you’ve slept all you can. There’s only a certain amount of that you can do. I do still like being up in the middle of the night, although it’s not the same cheerful experience that is usually is. It’s still of some comfort to me, though.

But I refuse to dwell only on the negative and must find something positive to write about.

Yesterday it actually rained. Several times the heavens opened up and the rain came falling straight down from them. Each time I thought I would have to start building an ark and then just as suddenly the rain stopped and the sun came out again.

Well, I’m sorry, that’s just about as positive as I can get right now. I keep having visions of different kinds of foods in my head that are all unobtainable to me.  I guess that when I get depressed, I think about food a lot.  I not only think about it, I want to eat it too. What I need now is a car and a 24 hour supermarket.

I just ate a bowl of vanilla pudding and that took care of the worst cravings.  My stomach is full now.

I don’t seem to be boiling over with enthusiasm. Everything is on the back burner. I would love to be more lively and a little bit more animated. Instead I feel like a big dull lump. I’m just about as unmovable.

I suppose I will give this another try tomorrow and see how I feel then. Maybe a good night’s rest will help.

Ciao,

Nora

 

 

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>The sound of silence…

>

There doesn’t seem to be much pleasure in drinking coffee lately. I don’t get the kick out of it that I normally do. I used to count on it really carrying a punch and waking me up well, but nowadays it doesn’t do that anymore. I hardly seem to notice the effects of it. I still drink one or two cups when I wake up, but it doesn’t give me the pleasure that it used to. That heady feeling that I used to get is not there anymore. 
It’s a shame that this is so because I used to look forward to my cup of coffee and the way it made me feel. I could always count on the rush it gave me. Now that I don’t get this anymore, I sit here like a dull person and have to stimulate myself, which is a much harder thing to do. I have to try to get excited when I really don’t feel that way very much. I’ve come to depend on the coffee too much. Now I’m just addicted to the caffeine without the fringe benefits. 
Hopefully this is a temporary situation and I will be back to normal soon. I will once again be stimulated by the caffeine and be my old jolly self. I’ve already started to make the coffee stronger in order to get some effect. I can’t stay this dull person forever, it just will not do. I’m counting on a little bit of life force in these posts. A little bit of joie de vivre. 
It’s in the middle of the night and I’m almost content sitting here. Underneath it all shimmers the layer of dissatisfaction that I feel all the time now in some measure. It goes from mild irritation to outright stress and slight panic. The medication helps, but during the day I have a hard time and am not happy. I’m glad when the day is over and it is evening and I can put on my pajamas and bathrobe. That’s when I’m most at ease. 
I tell myself that it’s because I’ve had all my medication for the day and that its accumulated effect is working for me, but it may be that the evening, like the night, is the safest time of the day for me. The blinds are closed, the lights are on, and nothing bad will happen. I look forward to going to bed where I will listen to the radio for a while before I fall asleep. It seems to be all about keeping safe and out of harm’s way. I feel exposed during the day and at danger of the unexpected. 
In reality, I’m safe inside the apartment and I’m even safe when I take Tyke out for walks. Nothing bad ever happens. They’re my own thoughts that haunt me. I imagine terrible things will happen that never do. It’s the anticipation of them that makes it hard. 
I have to try and make a better day of it today. Yesterday was a complete waste of time. I didn’t get anything accomplished and just survived. I have to do better today. There are some chores that I have to do and I have to arrange my day differently and better. 
Taking a nap in the afternoon is turning out not to be such a success because I wake up in a bad mood and it takes me a while to get over it. I spend precious time trying to pull myself together and it is a painful process. I should spend that time sitting in my armchair reading a book with a nice cup of tea. As if that is too much of an effort. 
I think I will go back to bed. I’m not quite done sleeping yet, although there is some temptation to stay up and change my whole schedule around. Maybe I will do that yet. I could stay up and sit in my armchair and read my book and wait for the morning to start. I can arrange my day as I see fit, after all. I did say it is time to make some changes. 
Have a good day everyone.
Ciao,
Nora