The Dueling Dutch Woman

The Adventures of a Middle Aged Dutch Woman

Archive for depression

A new book…

I’ve been laying in bed for a couple of hours reading a new novel (The Hotel New Hampshire by John Irving) but I was not able to fall asleep. I got very caught up in the story and was unable to put the book down. It’s another one I’ve read before, but this time it’s long enough ago that I’ve forgotten a lot about it and it’s like reading a brand new book in a lot of ways. I do remember certain events as I read them, but not in great detail. It must be at least 25 years ago since I read this novel first.

As a result, I have to pay attention better and it’s taking me longer to read it. I can’t very smoothly get through it. The sometimes shocking things that happen in it do trip me up. It maybe is not such a good idea to read it in bed before going to sleep because it keeps me awake. I’m too unaware of what’s going to happen next and expect the worst. In John Irving’s novels the worst does happen.  I finally put the book away, but I was too wide awake to go to sleep. I’m hoping that sitting here for awhile will make me sleepy so I can go back to bed. I think that will happen sooner rather than later.

I’ve had one cup of coffee and am now drinking milk. A tall cool glass of it. I had the coffee to straighten out my head, it was so filled with images of that novel. It was like I had been immersed in a film and disconnected from reality. That’s the hard part about reading novels. You do need to reattach yourself to the real world around you. I always feel separated from it. I suppose I dislike that. I don’t like to be out of touch with reality and lost in make believe. Some books really do that to you.

It’s not been a bad day when you consider that ‘The Black Dog’ is still lurking in the background. He’s keeping a bit quiet, but he is there and growling occasionally to remind me of his presence. I’m doing much better than I was two days ago, so whatever I’m doing is the right thing.  That’s treating myself as kindly as I possibly can and not letting myself get pulled down by negative thinking. I don’t analyze myself or my situation. I find distraction helps the best.

I’m going back to bed. I hope you’re all having a good night.





An honest effort…

I woke up in a sweat with my hair all wet. I don’t know why, it’s not that warm in here and the bedroom window was open. They say it’s good to sleep with a cool head, that you sleep better then. That certainly didn’t apply to me tonight. I had a hot and sweaty head and woke up from it. I felt like laying a bag of frozen peas on it, but it’s cooling off as I sit here now with my cup of coffee and my hair is drying up. I think I will not wear socks when I go back to bed next. Maybe I should go to bed naked.

I took refuge in my bed early tonight because staying up was too much of an effort. The ‘black dog’ was breathing down my neck and making me think unpleasant thoughts that i was not in the mood for thinking. They were totally useless and unnecessary thoughts and served no purpose whatsoever. The only thing they did was get me down. I could think of only one escape and that was safely lying in bed listening to the radio. Luckily, that was almost enough of a diversion until I went to sleep.

Sleep is the only true diversion from my thoughts and when I wake up, I feel better for at least a while afterwards. Such are its restorative powers.

The Exfactor was here yesterday and he bought me a loaf of sliced white bread and a box of dark chocolate sprinkles. Now, when I have a craving, I have a slice of bread with that on it and I feel so good. It’s like manna from heaven. It satisfies my deepest longings. That’s the craving I always get when the ‘black dog’ is visiting. At least the gastric band limits how many of these slices of bread I can eat. I’m not a lost cause altogether.

There’s a part of me that wants to be upbeat and happy and that wants to fight against the downbeat and dark side of me. That must be because it’s the middle of the night and there’s room for both of them. It would be the only time that there were. I don’t feel this way during the day.

I just let the dog out back and stood outside by the back door. It was so nice and cool out there. It was very refreshing. I feel properly chilled now and am going to have to put on my bathrobe. There was moonshine with just a few clouds and no wind, just cold night air. It would have been nice to have gone for a walk in it, but I’m too chicken to do it.

In spite of everything, yesterday went by quickly. There was some respite in the form of television, but I was put off by what I saw on the news and the weekly chat with the prime minister who’s as slippery as an eel. My toes curl when I listen to him talk. He’s so very much not my favorite person. I wouldn’t shake his hand if I met him.

There’s a lot of nonsense on television in the summer season which has already started. It’s when you have to push the off button and refuse to watch it. It’s the negative aspect of summertime.

I’m going to have to go back to bed.  I’m not really ready to, but I don’t know what else to do. There’s no other sort of trouble I can get into. I’m going to have to be well behaved.








An intruder…

I think I detect the presence of an intruder. One I’m not happy with at all. I think it is the ‘Black Dog’ come to make my life a little more miserable. I noticed him first yesterday afternoon when I tried to write a post and found that I couldn’t do it. Try as I might. After that unsuccessful attempt, I walked my own dog and I felt the “Black Dog’ on my heels, following me wherever I went.

I tried to ignore him at first, but realized that was futile and that is was best to recognize his presence. It’s best to face him head on and to not furtively try to escape him. With that realization came a feeling of relief because I felt that I knew my enemy and that I was familiar with the situation. I know what to do. I’ve handled this before.

I feel a huge amount of tiredness and I have an ‘oh, I don’t care attitude,’  but I mustn’t let that get the overhand, of course. I will mollycoddle myself to some extent and be extra kind to myself and go out of my way to do extra nice things that will make me feel good. Everything does seem an effort, though, and I am going to have a hard time fulfilling some of my duties.

I crave chocolate sandwiches and wish I had some real chocolate sprinkles in the cupboard. I have bread in the freezer. That’s something I ought not to do, however. It would be foolish to give into that craving, no matter how comforting it would be. I guess that’s what I want, real comforting food.

What I want more than anything is to be safe and that means being inside the apartment and not going anywhere. It also means that I want to sleep a lot, but that’s not possible because after a while you’ve slept all you can. There’s only a certain amount of that you can do. I do still like being up in the middle of the night, although it’s not the same cheerful experience that is usually is. It’s still of some comfort to me, though.

But I refuse to dwell only on the negative and must find something positive to write about.

Yesterday it actually rained. Several times the heavens opened up and the rain came falling straight down from them. Each time I thought I would have to start building an ark and then just as suddenly the rain stopped and the sun came out again.

Well, I’m sorry, that’s just about as positive as I can get right now. I keep having visions of different kinds of foods in my head that are all unobtainable to me.  I guess that when I get depressed, I think about food a lot.  I not only think about it, I want to eat it too. What I need now is a car and a 24 hour supermarket.

I just ate a bowl of vanilla pudding and that took care of the worst cravings.  My stomach is full now.

I don’t seem to be boiling over with enthusiasm. Everything is on the back burner. I would love to be more lively and a little bit more animated. Instead I feel like a big dull lump. I’m just about as unmovable.

I suppose I will give this another try tomorrow and see how I feel then. Maybe a good night’s rest will help.





>Taking advantage of the mood…


If it hadn’t been for the dog gently waking me up because he had to go out, I would still be asleep, I am convinced of it. Once I stood by the back door in the cool night air waiting for him to get done, I was awake and ready to stay up. I tried to go back to bed and fall asleep again, but I was unsuccessful. My brain was functioning and ready to do something active. 
The fact that the dog was on the bed also licking my face didn’t help. He wanted me to get up and keep him company. He always wants a certain amount of attention in the middle of the night as if we have to re-bond again. He is a spoiled dog. He’s used to my funny schedule and thinks that is normal and he wants me to stick to it. If I sleep too long, he becomes concerned and wakes me up. He’s sound asleep on the coffee table now. 
I may as well take advantage of the good mood that I always have during the night and that seems to be so elusive during the day. It is only present in little chunks of time, but seems very hard to keep a hold of. I struggle most of the day and fight off the feeling of depression for a lot of it. I’m not really happy until the evening when the sun comes down and I feel that I can relax and put my pajamas on. I find life to be mostly a struggle of trying to stay balanced and being unable to.
At night I am relaxed and even tempered and I feel that I can be myself without any of the stress that I feel during the day. Obviously, I’m a nighttime person. It’s mostly the fact that I have a dog that needs to be walked that forces me up and about during the day. I’d gladly spend a large time of the day in my lounge wear taking a nap whenever the mood struck me. That would be mostly when my mood became unbearable and I could not see the forest for the trees. 
I would very much like to take some medication during the day that would take the stress away that’s almost constantly gnawing at me and that prevents me from functioning well. I’m getting tired of the struggle and don’t want to do it anymore. There has to be an easier way. 
I think I will go back to bed now and get some more sleep. The worst part is that when I wake up, the day will have started. I’ll have to arm myself against it. Somehow I have to make it through it and make the best of it, no matter the thoughts in my head. 

>Writing during the night…


It’s a good thing that I wait with writing my posts until it is the middle of the night. If I were to write one during the day, it would be a very depressive one, because during the day I am in a depressed state of mind and not much good would come out of me. I would just bore you with doom and gloom stories, telling you how miserable I am and how I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the day. 
I’m in much better shape at night and can actually see the forest for the trees. Some load lifts off my shoulders and I can breathe easily until it is morning again.
Yesterday I spent a lot of time in bed, just laying there or dozing. It was pure escapism and I didn’t answer the phone because I didn’t feel like talking to anybody. This did not prevent a friend of mine to try to call me 8 times. Now, I know there was no emergency. This is just what she does when she can’t get a hold of me. It makes me feel like a hunted animal. She will do it again today until I answer the phone, by which time I will be very irritated.
Anyway, during the day I’m in a terrible funk and it doesn’t clear up until I’ve put my pajamas on and I go to bed at night. I lay there for a long while listening to the radio before I fall asleep, and have my glass of milk and a snack. Crackers and I share them with the dog. I know I will sleep a while before I get up again in a better mood, although what passes as a better mood is not nearly as good as what I’d like a good mood to be. I’m not jumping up and down with joy.
I think I’ll choose the side of caution this week and accept that I’m in a depressed state of mind and act accordingly. That way I’ll not make the expectations I have of myself too high and not have any big goals. I’ll just aim for little achievements. Getting dressed and walking the dog will be one of them. Getting through the day safely and sanely will be important. However I decide to do that. I’ll have to find the best possible way. Sometimes you have to accept the fact that you’re temporarily going to underachieve.
I suppose I’ll get ready to go back to bed now. I’m not sure if there is any other kind of trouble that I can get into. 
Have a good night.

>In the moonshine…


Frankly, I don’t know if the moon is shining, but I thought I would title this post like that anyway. There’s a fun Dutch nonsense song that starts of that way and it was playing through my head. It’s, amongst other things, about a centipede who has to shine his shoes.
I’m up drinking coffee, but this time there’s no strange dog barking and all is quiet. I went to bed early last night because I didn’t want to watch the news. I saw that Qaddafi’s troops were defeating the rebels and became so disgusted with that, that I very angrily shut off the television. He is bombing them into submission with his airplanes, and there is not yet a no fly zone. It p*sses me off. This came after the very bad news of the nuclear reactors in Japan and my evening of bad news was complete. I had to go to bed after that and pretend to not care anymore. 
I listened on the radio to the outcomes of the different sporting events of the weekend and the interviews with the athletes and the highlights of the games that had been played. Those are something to get lost in and to forget everything else. If nothing else, there’s always sport to fall back onto and it is a world of its own. There were all round speed skating championships this weekend and the Dutch did well.
It’s been a strange weekend. I didn’t have the energy that I had anticipated and that I showed during the night when I was so upbeat. During the day I slept a lot and didn’t get a lot done. I walked Tyke, but other than that I didn’t do very much. I hardly got my chores done and took many naps. My mood wasn’t all that great during the day and I had to fight off somberness and gloom. Things got better toward the evening, but then it was time to go to bed and I normally feel better at that point. 
Except during the night, I’m suffering from a mild depression. The extra medication is not doing its job yet, but then it normally takes a while before it does. It’s not a matter of a few days. It slowly has to build up in your system. It’s nice to pretend that you feel better, but it’s not the reality and you won’t be able to live up to it. 
Today the personal helper and the domestic help will be here. For some reason I’m looking forward to it. I suppose I’m looking forward to the company. I also need help doing the dishes because I’ve not been able to do them. They’ve been too much of a big job to do by myself. I kept putting them off. 
I did get dressed nicely in a cheerful outfit for all the good that did me. At least I looked presentable when I walked Tyke. It didn’t cheer me up as much as I had hoped it would. I’m wearing it today and maybe I will have better results. Right now, it’s the nicest outfit I’ve got. 
I think I will go back to bed now. I’ve got some sleep left in me yet. It will be nice to lie there and listen to the radio. It’s a tough job, but somebody has to do it. 
Have a good morning when you wake up.

>No rest for me…


I was already in bed asleep, but then a dog started to bark nearby and every time it barked, Tyke answered it. I can’t have that, of course, and I tried to get Tyke to stop barking, but to no avail. He would only stop if I got up.
So now I’m sitting here with my sleepy head guarding over Tyke who has gone to sleep by my feet. Every once in a while he lifts his head very alertly and listens for the barking dog. He tries to bark, but I stop him. Imagine if I was trying to be asleep in bed right now. It would be a disaster. 
To try and stay awake, I have made some coffee, but I really don’t want to be awake right now. I’m awake under protest.  All because of that darn dog. I am yawning and the tears are rolling down my cheeks, but the coffee ought to take care of that quickly. 
I may as well make the best of it and make myself comfortable and write something good. Or at least make an attempt to. I can’t guarantee that I’ll be able to in this state, although the coffee is perking me up a bit. 
I had a very uninteresting day and spent a lot of it sleeping. I did walk Tyke a couple of times and even made it to the tobacco shop where I also bought a chocolate bar. I thought it was about time that I had something sinful. The chocolate made me feel very full and very good. I know there’s a natural feel good chemical in it that works especially well for women. That’s why women have such a thing for chocolates. I could eat a whole box of bonbons right now and it’s a good thing that I don’t have one handy. 
The tobacco shop had been closed the last time the Exfactor had gone grocery shopping, so he had bought me an inferior pack of tobacco at the supermarket. I made do with it, but it wasn’t the same as smoking my regular tobacco. Today I bought two packs of it and made cigarettes with it and boy, was that ever a different experience. I didn’t realize that I liked my regular tobacco so much. The other cigarettes were like inhaling air in comparison. They took care of my nicotine need, but that was about it. The cigarettes I have now are like smoking Gauloises as compared to Marlboro’s. They pack a real punch. I mean, if you’re going to smoke at all… I never understood those women that smoke menthol cigarettes called Belinda. 
I took a nap in the afternoon as has become a habit now and I take it in my bed because that’s much more comfortable than the sofa. Tyke can get on the bed with me much easier than he can get on the sofa. I also don’t wake up with a sore knee which is still bothering me if I don’t have it in the right position. I’ve found out that lying on my back is the best way to sleep and if I fall asleep like that, I wake up like that too. I don’t move around much in my sleep. It’s the kindest way to lie down for my knee because I have both my legs stretched. There’s still room for Tyke to lie down too. 
I wasn’t too depressed today, but that may have been because it was Saturday and a day of no stress. The same will count for tomorrow. The only things I have to do tomorrow is change my bed and do the dishes. Oh yes, and put out the trash. I forgot to do that last week because the trash men came here on Saturday instead of Monday because of the holidays. That had escaped my attention. 
I do like the weekends and would like for them to last longer like they did a week ago. The only drawback is that the stores are closed for such a long time. The cafes are open and if you wanted to go downtown and sit on a terrace in the nice weather, it would be a fun way to spend the time. Let’s face it, though, chances are that I will not do that because I will find excuses not to go. It will be too involved and unless somebody physically comes and gets me, I won’t go. I find the bike ride down there too bothersome. I’m glad I make it to my SPN’s office. 
That dog is still barking and I still can’t go back to bed. I’m wide awake now and not about to go anywhere. I will have to find ways to amuse myself. Tyke is very alert and looking around the window shade. I think he’s trying to figure out where that dog is. He’s looking into the dark night. 
I’ve got to find some other things to do now. I think I’ve made this epistle long enough. I’ve got to drink a tall glass of lemonade to quench my thirst and put ice cubes in it to make it extra cold. I wish my refrigerator had a built in ice cube maker, but that is too much of a luxury. It wouldn’t fit in my kitchen. I’m so deprived of luxuries. I don’t take anything for granted. 
Have a good night.