The Dueling Dutch Woman

The Adventures of a Middle Aged Dutch Woman

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I’ve moved again…

Due to the difficulty of following the blog and keeping tracks of the comments, I have moved back to Blooger. I hope you will follow me over there. You can find me here.




It doesn’t matter…

Today I’m not living by the clock and paying attention to what time it is. I do things when I feel like them and try to not stick too much to the schedule. True, there is some sort of system, but it isn’t written in stone that I have to do things exactly at a certain time. I’m allowing myself a lot of leeway. I don’t know how I suddenly got that way today, except that I had the day off and all to myself and it seemed perfect for it.

The dog’s been walked and some time soon, when I feel like it, I’ll eat dinner. In the meantime, I’m drinking my umpteenth glass of milk and my stomach appreciates it very much and is happy for it. I could live on cold milk alone, except that I also need other vitamins and minerals. I had a tall glass of orange juice this morning for the vitamin C, but my stomach liked that less. Even so, I’m going to drink a glass of it every day for health reasons. I’ll just have to make it a small glass.

After we had all that rain yesterday, the weather was nice today. We had sunshine all day and the temperature was decent enough. It’s going to get warmer as the week progresses. Tomorrow is a holiday and everyone will have the day off. It will be a perfect excuse to have a lazy day. Yes, another one.¬† And the weather will be nice again too.

I have to decide what to wear tomorrow and have a good look in my closet. I’ve been wearing the same outfit for a while now and it’s time for something different. I always seem to end up wearing the same basic clothes, the ones I’m most comfortable with. I need to challenge myself a little bit and come up with something really interesting.

I haven’t taken my usual afternoon nap today. I wasn’t really in need of it. In a way, it is good because it means that I’m saving up my sleep for tonight when I need it most. I slept better last night and I slept late this morning. It was wonderful and I was very late getting dressed. I set around in my armchair drinking coffee until I couldn’t postpone taking the dog out any longer. He had been out back, but that’s not the same as going for a walk.

I’ve just made myself some freshly brewed coffee and I’m drinking a cup of that now. I needed a little pick me up. Milk doesn’t have that quality and it doesn’t heat up your bones. I was getting just a bit chilled and the coffee is making me feel warmer. A little bit of sunlight is still shining through the living room windows and it isn’t really all that cold in here. If it were wintertime, I would think it was positively warm. It’s odd how you experience such things at different times of the year.

The coffee is making me feel decidedly better and I feel like I have taken a ‘feel good pill.’ The caffeine really perked me up. Apparently, that was just what I needed. Isn’t it funny how we can artificially make ourselves feel so much better temporarily? Of course, I don’t know if coffee has that effect on you. It always seems to do me a world of good.

The dog is lying on the dining table looking at me very amorously. Every time I look at him, he starts to enthusiastically wag his tail. I think he likes me and wants some attention. I will go sit in my armchair and pet him for a while. I can’t neglect my pets.

Have a good evening. I hope your weather is great.



Walking the dog…

That’s the last chore I had to do today and now my time is all my own. I can do with it as I please and I have several hours left to go before it’s time to go to bed. Since I’m going be there on my own, I’m not in a hurry to go. It would be different if George Clooney were in it, but since he’s not going to be, I’ll not rush to get in it. I’ll take my time and sit in my bathrobe and watch dumb programs on television.

I don’t think I’m going to be lucky with men any time soon. Actually, I only glance at young unavailable men and they don’t look at me. I never look at men that would be more suitable for me. I’m completely not interested in them. They are so elderly and saggy and not well taken care of. They look like they need a good wife to cook for them and to wash their clothes and I certainly don’t want to be one of those. If I pay attention to the men who check me out, I could start feeling real desperate.

I tell myself that I don’t need a man in my life to make me happy and for the most part that is true. I’m doing better without a man than I did with one. I’m emotionally healthier. I haven’t had much luck with men and my experiences have not been good ones, although I do have to add that it hasn’t all been horrid and my memories are a mixed bag of emotions. I probably never picked very good men to be with and now that I’m a more mature human being, I’ve come to realize that I don’t really need one.

It’s when you know you don’t need a man that it’s nice to have one, but they don’t hang around on street corners to take home as you like. And every human being comes with an instruction booklet and has to be handled with care, as you do yourself. I don’t know if I’m willing to make the effort to work that hard on a new relationship. It’s always give and take and I don’t know how much I’m willing to give. I may have gotten very selfish, though it is possible that when you love someone enough, you are willing to give a lot.

I don’t know. I’m very suspicious of feelings called love. Not the ones I have for my child. Those come as natural as sunshine and rain. I mean the love that you are supposed to feel for another human being who is really a stranger to you. Who you are supposed to fall ‘in love’ with. I don’t really know if I’m capable of doing that in a very healthy manner. I don’t think I’ve ever learned to do that properly. I always seem to fall into some sort of a codependent relationship. Mutually very destructive.

I didn’t have very good role models when I was growing up and that hindered me for a large period in my life in forming healthy relationships. It took a long time for me to work that all out. I’d already had several unsuccessful relationships before I did. It’s now that I’m single, and have gotten to know myself, that I realize how I function inside a relationship. I never would have known this if I had been married to somebody. I wouldn’t have gained the knowledge about myself as part of a couple.

George Clooney could be a one night stand, though. I’m sure he could have another woman every night as he pleased. He’s such a hunk of man that he’ll have no shortage of women that adore him. I don’t even know if I necessarily want to go to bed with him. If I just got to hug him and snuggle with him I think I would be happy too. It would be nice just to look at him and gaze in his eyes. Maybe feel the muscles in his arms and chest a little bit.

At my age all you need is to be wined and dined and have nice things said to you. An intelligent conversation would be nice. I would love to have someone to do that with and who would take me to the theater¬† and to museums. I need to be culturally fed. I’m starved.

If you see a spare, well off man walking around, send him my way. I’ll know what to do with him.



>Summer Time…


I was already in bed and sound asleep when the dog started to bark. It startled me awake and I decided to get up to prevent him from barking again because that’s the last thing I want. I had already set all the clocks and my watch one hour ahead before I went to bed, so to me it is an hour later now than it still really is. The time won’t change until 2 am and it is not that yet. At least I am well prepared and I won’t be fooled by what time it is in the morning when I get up for the second time. Believe me, there’s logic in there somewhere. It all makes sense to me in a slightly convoluted way. 
So, I’m sitting here now being wide awake, having my coffee and my cigarettes, with a very quiet dog at my feet,  Of course, he had to go out back first before he would settle down and I was quite nervous that he would start to bark out there too, but he did no such thing, thank goodness. There’s nothing like the unpredictability of a dog to make you feel on edge in the middle of the night when your neighbors are asleep. My adrenalin rushed through my body until he was inside again, especially since I have a grumpy neighbor who likes to complain about nothing at all.
Saturday went by well and it was a good day. The only thing I forgot to do was pick out a new novel from the bookcase. I never did get around to that because I didn’t get a chance to sit in my armchair to read. 
In the morning I slept for a long time to catch up on the sleep I didn’t get during the night and it was blessed. I woke up in an excellent mood and totally well rested and not under the influence of the effects of the new sleeping pills that I had stopped taking. Apparently the effects of those babies kept working all day long and did all sorts of things with me that weren’t pleasant. I’m not going to try any others. I’ll just live with things the way they are now and consider myself a night person. I do get my sleep eventually and that’s the main thing. I haven’t become psychotic yet because of lack of sleep. 
I took my time picking out an outfit that I wanted to be especially comfortable besides looking good. Comfort was the main thing, though. I wanted to feel easy in it and not have to worry about everything constantly being in place and looking well arranged. I have a couple of outfits that I feel especially comfortable in and I opted for one of those. I can sit as unladylike in it as I want when nobody is around. and it always looks good and is warm enough to wear. I would wear it every day if I could, but it it does have to go into the washing every now and then. 
It’s a black, long sleeved, stretch T-shirt dress with a low slung belt that I wear over leggings with a lightweight cardigan on top that’s open at the front. It makes me look slimmer than I am and therefor it’s flattering. At my age, I need all of that I can get. 
I had to go to the tobacco shop and I remembered to pick out a card for my grandson who is going to be 14 years old in a couple of weeks. I must send the card with contents on time because he lives in the States. I even remembered to pick up a couple of lighters because those things always run out of fuel prematurely. Before you know it, you’re left without the means to light your cigarettes. The only thing I forgot to buy was a chocolate bar, but I have chocolate pudding in the refrigerator and I get to have some of that every day so that takes care of that craving. When that is gone, I still have yogurt on which I sprinkle some sugar. I do have to take care of my sweet tooth. 
I watched an international indoor bike racing competition on television in which we finally won a bronze and gold medal on the third day, which is a good thing because the event is held in the Netherlands on a newly built course. We had higher hopes than that, but there’s one day of competition left. Dutch people always expect to be the best at all sports and are surprised when we aren’t. We assume we belong to the world top in everything. Maybe we are naive optimists. Or maybe we really are fairly good at a lot of things. We have a lot of gumption for a little country and great fans all decked out in orange at every occasion. 
As soon as I’m done writing this, I’m going to choose a novel from the bookcase and put it ready for me to start reading by my armchair. I’m very curious as to what I will find there. I’ve got to get myself into the proper mood to read. I would really like a thriller and hope I can find one. An Inspector Linley would be nice. I need light entertainment, nothing too intellectual. My brain can’t handle anything that’s too deep and introspective. No high drama. You’ll see the book magically appear on my sidebar.
I’m going to see my sister this afternoon. I haven’t seen her in forever. She’s always got such a busy life. We do keep daily contact by telephone, but it’s not the same as seeing each other. I will drink good cappuccinos and eat Italian cookies of which I will only be able to eat two and then I will be full and I will burp a lot, but it will be worth it. 
Have a great day you all. It’s now officially summer time. 

>I’ll have another one, please.


To make myself feel better, I’m drinking vodka and I’m reaching that inebriated stage that means I’m feeling pretty good now. I felt as bad as you can get and spent a good hour crying. I couldn’t stop crying and considered using the hash that I found in the cake tin to roll a joint with. I changed my mind and went for the vodka bottle instead. I figured it was the least harmful of the two in combination with my medicines. There would be less chance of hallucinations.

I like this inebriated stage I find myself in now, because the last few hours have been quite emotional and painful. Nobody has died, it hasn’t been as bad as all that, don’t get me wrong. Now that I’m slightly drunk, I can almost laugh at the reason why I was so very much upset, but I’m sure that when I’m sober again, I will be upset all over. I may have to stay drunk. At least I”m still able to type, albeit slowly.

You may know that last night I slept nine hours in the first time in forever and that I was overjoyed by this. Finally, after years of many sleepless nights. I got these hours of sleep by taking a combination of my old sleep pills and the new. My psychiatrist had told me to try this. I thought that finally we had found the magic formula.

He called me today and said that I could not do this again. Well, he told me that I could only do this sometimes when I needed a good night’s sleep. So here I am again, faced with sleepless night so that I won’t get addicted to the new sleeping pills while I really don’t give a shit. I’m already addicted to the old ones.

It was like someone kicked me in the stomach and took away something very precious that I had finally gotten. I’ve had sleepless nights for so long and they mess up my life so badly and mess with my moods and my daily rhythm so very much. My whole day gets screwed up because of my bad nights and at night I sit behind the computer like a hypo-manic maniac and turn out idiotic posts.

I’m probably turning out an idiotic post now, but I don’t care. I’m mad as hell and need another drink.

I refuse to take the new sleeping pills at all now, even though my psychiatrist has written a new prescription for them and faxed it to the pharmacy. They will be delivered tonight. I’m not going to make myself happy with a good night’s sleep every once in a while to only have bad nights of sleep the rest of the time. I’m either going to sleep well all of the time or not at all. I’m boycotting the whole damn system.

I wrote my psychiatrist a very angry email to which I got a very polite reply, saying that sleeping pills are not the answer. He’s saying that to someone who hasn’t slept well in years and who finally had nine hours worth of sleep. How very wonderful. Isn’t the medical profession humane?

I suppose I’m very angry and there’s nothing like an angry drunk. You can only feed her more booze and hope she becomes jolly. As a matter of fact, part of me is jolly and really doesn’t give a damn anymore. As long as there’s vodka in the bottle, I’m okay. By the way, I’m drinking real Russian vodka.

Chances are that I’ll become an alcoholic yet. Or a pothead. I haven’t decided which it’s going to be yet. I guess it depends on which I can afford best. They’re both expensive addictions. They have to fit in your budget. I guess you could do them instead of eating and lose a lot of weight. You could buy cheap beer, it wouldn’t have to cost an arm and a leg and it would fill you up. You’d just have to get the kind with the highest alcohol percentage. It would take all your troubles away. I’ve never had as much sympathy for an alcoholic.

I just want my sleep and I’ll do whatever I can to get it. I want to sleep through the night like I did last night. I want not to be sleepy through the day and to not have to take naps. I want even tempered moods. I don’t want to be hypo-manic when I’m up during the night. I don’t want to drink many cups of coffee to keep me n an even keel.

Right now I like alcohol very much and its effects. I find them very comforting. I wonder why I didn’t turn to it before? Yes, I know I have in the past, but I always forsook it. All I need is a Sugar Daddy to keep up my supply. A bottle of vodka a day ought to do it. Maybe half a bottle would do. I don’t want to fall into a stupor.

I don’t think I will be able to walk the dog tonight. I think I can’t walk in a straight line. It would be noticeable if I tried. I think I’m a good drunk, though. I make sense halfway. All I need now is a tropical island and a white beach and a blue sea and some palm trees. And a life of leisure and debauchery. No care in the world. That’s my secret wish. I’d hate to die of liver disease, though.But maybe it would all be worth it.

Yours fondly,

>About the coffee…


Forget everything I said about the coffee because I just had a cup and like it used to, it is working its magic on me. I woke up a bit sleepy headed and drank one cup and immediately felt elevated, which to me means that I’m probably on my way to being a bit hypo-manic. I do have to keep an eye on myself and make sure it doesn’t get out of hand. The more coffee I drink now, the higher I will get. I’m working on my second cup now and will stop after this one. 
It is a very pleasurable feeling and one you usually get after using a recreational drug, though maybe not as extreme. I’m not hallucinating and perfectly clearheaded. I am filled with good vibrations and could sing that song. Needless to say, I’m enjoying my time behind the computer here in the middle of the night and am planing on making the most of it. I will take advantage of every good mood whenever it strikes me. It doesn’t matter what time of the day or night it is. 
I knew I was in for a change of mood last night when I laid in bed and I was very content and upbeat. I was looking forward to going to sleep for a while knowing that I would get up after a few hours and spend the middle of the night blogging. That was going to be my treat. As soon as I’m done with this, I will sit in my armchair and read my latest novel while I drink glasses of green tea. It will be the best start to the day.
I’m done reading ‘Vinegar Hill’ and I started reading ‘House of Sand and Fog’ by Andre Dupuis. For a change I’m reading a male author and that is interesting too for a different point of view. The story takes place in a part of California that I’m familiar with, so I can picture the scenes very well. The cast of characters consists of three eclectic people and I’m being introduced to the second one now. Their lives get interwoven and they all revolve around a much coveted house.
I am thinking about arranging my bookcase according to color. I had it arranged according to the alphabet, but that has since become undone and I’m having a bit of a hard time finding books. As I get new books, I stick them in the empty cubbyholes or wherever there is an empty space and the system has become undone. I recognize a book by its cover and always remember what color it was. When I go looking for it, I look for the color. Besides, right now it would please me very much if the bookcase were a harmonious arrangement of colors. I would find it pleasant to look at. I would also enjoy looking through it to find the books I hadn’t read yet. It would be full of surprises, so it’s a job I may do today if I find I have time on my hands, which doubtlessly I will. 
Today is a holiday as tomorrow will be also. That’s because of carnival. I have no domestic help and no personal helper coming here today, but I don’t mind. I appreciate the day off. I have a few chores to do and will otherwise amuse myself. I do like the time on my own and I will not be bored, especially not in this mood. I always find myself easily entertained when I’m hypo-manic and the days fly by. 
I slept well in the few short hours that I did sleep. My bed had clean sheets on it and it smelled good when I got into it. I had a most interesting dream about a past life and in it I forgave myself for who I had been and came to grips with my past. I hadn’t realized that I needed to do this, so the dream was very therapeutic. It was very easy to analyze as it was a very clearcut story. I put on my old self and completely accepted the way I was then. I even put on the clothes I wore then and styled my hair like that and was comfortable with it. I think that was about acceptance of the past and that it had not been all bad. I thought I had to forgive other people without realizing that I had to forgive myself. I have hereby done this and acknowledged my redeeming qualities.

I hope I can settle down today and find the middle of my mood. I have to do quiet activities and do the opposite of what I want to do, as that is always the case when I’m hypo-manic. It’s not good if I start to make too many wild plans. I have to keep a low profile and make sure I get a few hours of sleep too. Obviously, I haven’t slept enough tonight. 
The sun is going to shine all day and I don’t know yet how I’m going to feel about that. I think for my own sake I would like a day of rain. It would settle me down better. Of course, going for walks with Tyke will be a lot easier. I do like the rain because it makes me feel safe inside the apartment and I feel like a bear inside her den. I think it puts the brakes on me mentally whereas the sun stimulates me too much. It makes me feel breakable like glass as if I’m going to explode into many fragments. This fragility makes me feel uneasy.
Well, I’m going to sit and read now. It’s early in the morning optimistically speaking. I will take my medicines and slow down a bit. I’m awfully thirsty, so many beverages will be consumed.
Have a good day.

>The sound of silence…


There doesn’t seem to be much pleasure in drinking coffee lately. I don’t get the kick out of it that I normally do. I used to count on it really carrying a punch and waking me up well, but nowadays it doesn’t do that anymore. I hardly seem to notice the effects of it. I still drink one or two cups when I wake up, but it doesn’t give me the pleasure that it used to. That heady feeling that I used to get is not there anymore. 
It’s a shame that this is so because I used to look forward to my cup of coffee and the way it made me feel. I could always count on the rush it gave me. Now that I don’t get this anymore, I sit here like a dull person and have to stimulate myself, which is a much harder thing to do. I have to try to get excited when I really don’t feel that way very much. I’ve come to depend on the coffee too much. Now I’m just addicted to the caffeine without the fringe benefits. 
Hopefully this is a temporary situation and I will be back to normal soon. I will once again be stimulated by the caffeine and be my old jolly self. I’ve already started to make the coffee stronger in order to get some effect. I can’t stay this dull person forever, it just will not do. I’m counting on a little bit of life force in these posts. A little bit of joie de vivre. 
It’s in the middle of the night and I’m almost content sitting here. Underneath it all shimmers the layer of dissatisfaction that I feel all the time now in some measure. It goes from mild irritation to outright stress and slight panic. The medication helps, but during the day I have a hard time and am not happy. I’m glad when the day is over and it is evening and I can put on my pajamas and bathrobe. That’s when I’m most at ease. 
I tell myself that it’s because I’ve had all my medication for the day and that its accumulated effect is working for me, but it may be that the evening, like the night, is the safest time of the day for me. The blinds are closed, the lights are on, and nothing bad will happen. I look forward to going to bed where I will listen to the radio for a while before I fall asleep. It seems to be all about keeping safe and out of harm’s way. I feel exposed during the day and at danger of the unexpected. 
In reality, I’m safe inside the apartment and I’m even safe when I take Tyke out for walks. Nothing bad ever happens. They’re my own thoughts that haunt me. I imagine terrible things will happen that never do. It’s the anticipation of them that makes it hard. 
I have to try and make a better day of it today. Yesterday was a complete waste of time. I didn’t get anything accomplished and just survived. I have to do better today. There are some chores that I have to do and I have to arrange my day differently and better. 
Taking a nap in the afternoon is turning out not to be such a success because I wake up in a bad mood and it takes me a while to get over it. I spend precious time trying to pull myself together and it is a painful process. I should spend that time sitting in my armchair reading a book with a nice cup of tea. As if that is too much of an effort. 
I think I will go back to bed. I’m not quite done sleeping yet, although there is some temptation to stay up and change my whole schedule around. Maybe I will do that yet. I could stay up and sit in my armchair and read my book and wait for the morning to start. I can arrange my day as I see fit, after all. I did say it is time to make some changes. 
Have a good day everyone.