The Dueling Dutch Woman

The Adventures of a Middle Aged Dutch Woman

Archive for schedule

Poppies and such…

I’ve decided not to read in bed anymore. It was disturbing my night’s sleep and upsetting my schedule because I got too caught up in the book and didn’t go to sleep when I was supposed to. So now I only read during the day in my armchair whenever I have a spare moment and I do have enough of them. I don’t read non stop because I don’t completely want to lose myself in the book to the exclusion of everything else. It is so easy to lose track of everything and time and forget the world around me. So I do put a limit on how much time I spend reading at one stretch. Every once in a while I have to put down the book and do something completely different.

It’s not like it was in the olden days when I could let myself go and spend a whole afternoon doing nothing but read and completely shut out the world around me. I don’t feel comfortable doing that anymore. I would feel too disconnected. I do feel that I regularly have to stay in touch with reality and be reminded of it and even take part in it. I also have to do the ordinary things like the dishes and walk the dog and watch the news on TV. The last is especially important because it makes me feel connected to the here and now and that’s very important to me.

I suppose that’s why I like listening to the radio so much when I lie in bed at night. The programs deal with current events and I always feel up to date and I hear a lot of the news on the radio. I hear more of the details that I don’t hear on the news on TV.  There are a lot of background stories and interesting guests on the talk shows. The same goes for when I take my nap in the afternoon because I go to sleep listening to political discussions about some current issue. I’m better informed now that I listen to the radio than I was before and all sorts of points of view are represented, though they all are sensible ones and well thought out. There’s no idiotic shouting just to make noise and intimidate. Everything is very civilized.

The fields have been mowed and the wildflowers have been cut down. Except for in the flowerbeds, there are no poppies left. All the chamomile has been cut down too. Now I’ll have to wait a while and see what comes up next. It’s still raining regularly, so hopefully that will help with whatever is going to decide to grow. It’s a shame to see everything gone, but it can’t be helped. Beside the street, on the stretches of grass that have not been mowed, there is wild yarrow growing and I hope to see more of it. There’s always hope for new plants.

Today is going to be a peaceful day. The Exfactor will be here to do the groceries, thank goodness, because I’m almost out of milk. I don’t have any appointments. I didn’t think it was necessary to make one with my psychiatrist and my SPN is on holiday until the 27th.  I will see her next week but I don’t have any pressing problems. I don’t consider the issue of the ‘Black Dog’ serious enough. He is slowly slinking away. I do have to have some amount of self sufficiency and to be able to get myself through these spells. It’s good for my ego if I do. I do have to show some amount of inner strength.

It’s going to rain again today and it will be for the rest of the week. I don’t mind it too much as long as I get the chance to take out the dog regularly. It’s quite cozy inside when it’s raining. I still have the bedroom windows open and it’s not cold inside, though outside it isn’t all that warm. I just have to make sure that I wear enough clothes. My black leather jacket is coming in real handy, although it’s getting a little big on me.

I haven’t been on the bathroom scale, but I think I’m losing weight because my latest skirt is getting a bit big on me, even after I washed it. I’ll have to try and remember to get on the scale when I get up again this morning and I’m in my underwear. That’s always when I weigh the least and that’s the weight I go by. I do want to weigh myself at the most opportune moment.

I’m going back to bed. It will be nice and warm in there under the duvet.

Have a good morning when you get up.




It doesn’t matter…

Today I’m not living by the clock and paying attention to what time it is. I do things when I feel like them and try to not stick too much to the schedule. True, there is some sort of system, but it isn’t written in stone that I have to do things exactly at a certain time. I’m allowing myself a lot of leeway. I don’t know how I suddenly got that way today, except that I had the day off and all to myself and it seemed perfect for it.

The dog’s been walked and some time soon, when I feel like it, I’ll eat dinner. In the meantime, I’m drinking my umpteenth glass of milk and my stomach appreciates it very much and is happy for it. I could live on cold milk alone, except that I also need other vitamins and minerals. I had a tall glass of orange juice this morning for the vitamin C, but my stomach liked that less. Even so, I’m going to drink a glass of it every day for health reasons. I’ll just have to make it a small glass.

After we had all that rain yesterday, the weather was nice today. We had sunshine all day and the temperature was decent enough. It’s going to get warmer as the week progresses. Tomorrow is a holiday and everyone will have the day off. It will be a perfect excuse to have a lazy day. Yes, another one.  And the weather will be nice again too.

I have to decide what to wear tomorrow and have a good look in my closet. I’ve been wearing the same outfit for a while now and it’s time for something different. I always seem to end up wearing the same basic clothes, the ones I’m most comfortable with. I need to challenge myself a little bit and come up with something really interesting.

I haven’t taken my usual afternoon nap today. I wasn’t really in need of it. In a way, it is good because it means that I’m saving up my sleep for tonight when I need it most. I slept better last night and I slept late this morning. It was wonderful and I was very late getting dressed. I set around in my armchair drinking coffee until I couldn’t postpone taking the dog out any longer. He had been out back, but that’s not the same as going for a walk.

I’ve just made myself some freshly brewed coffee and I’m drinking a cup of that now. I needed a little pick me up. Milk doesn’t have that quality and it doesn’t heat up your bones. I was getting just a bit chilled and the coffee is making me feel warmer. A little bit of sunlight is still shining through the living room windows and it isn’t really all that cold in here. If it were wintertime, I would think it was positively warm. It’s odd how you experience such things at different times of the year.

The coffee is making me feel decidedly better and I feel like I have taken a ‘feel good pill.’ The caffeine really perked me up. Apparently, that was just what I needed. Isn’t it funny how we can artificially make ourselves feel so much better temporarily? Of course, I don’t know if coffee has that effect on you. It always seems to do me a world of good.

The dog is lying on the dining table looking at me very amorously. Every time I look at him, he starts to enthusiastically wag his tail. I think he likes me and wants some attention. I will go sit in my armchair and pet him for a while. I can’t neglect my pets.

Have a good evening. I hope your weather is great.



>No depth to them tonight…


I didn’t have any deep existentialist thoughts when I woke up tonight, which is just as well as I don’t want to overburden my mind too much, although it did give me some blog fodder yesterday. It gave me a subject to write about anyway, while now I’m going to have to pull a rabbit out of my hat, so to speak. Writing cold turkey, with nothing specific on my mind, is a real challenge and I don’t know if I can pull it off. 
There, I’ve already mentioned two animals that I’m not in possession of. A rabbit and a turkey and they are both good to eat. I can testify to that. I ate them both when I was still eating meat and could very easily eat them again, except that my conscious would bother me too much, but I sure did enjoy the taste of them. 
I generally like eating meat, providing it is cooked well and doesn’t remind me of the animal too much. I dislike cold luncheon meats, especially if it has bits and chunks in it, but I do like ham as it is unrecognizable and tasty. But of course, I don’t eat any of it anymore, except for the chicken in chicken and pasta soup. 
I do make an exception for that. I figure I need the little bit of protein I get from it and it is good for me. I can’t be a full time saint. I find it difficult to be the best kid in the class all the time. I try to ignore the hopeless fate of the chickens as much as possible when I eat the soup. 
Actually, my favorite dish to eat when I still ate meat was roasted quail and lobster. I would have walked a mile for it. It was finger licking good and very decadent. I think I will have it for my last meal. The lobster at any rate, dipped in melted butter. Oh, I get hungry just thinking about it. I’m a principled meat loving vegetarian.
Well, let’s talk about something other than food or I’m going to have to raid the refrigerator. Not that there are very exciting things in there. I do take care that there aren’t. There are only the basics in there and nothing really decadent at all. You will find no Belgian bonbons there, icy cold and ready to pop into my mouth. Or ice cream in the freezer. There’s chocolate pudding there, but I save that for dessert. It’s a rule. 
Some rules about food can’t be broken and I live by them as strictly as I live with my own particular day and night schedule. I eat certain things at certain times of the day and I sleep and take naps at certain times of the day and night. I find that predictability is the most comfortable and what I’m the most at ease with. If I do things at certain preset times, I’m most likely to get through the day and night successfully.
I’m having a tall glass of ice cold milk now and it usually takes care of any cravings I have, whatever sort of a craving it is. My taste buds and stomach get fooled into thinking they’re having something really good and are satisfied, Isn’t that an easy solution? I lose my longing for ice cream right away and I don’t need to eat bonbons because my stomach gets full. 
There, it all started out with a rabbit and a turkey and that’s where I’ll end and I’m so not hungry for them now. These are the deepest thoughts I had tonight. They were all about food and for a change not about clothes, which is another subject I like to write about. More on that later, no doubt. 
I hope you’re all having a good night and that you’ll have a good morning. I was dressed almost warm enough yesterday. It was a bit chillier than I expected. It will be again today. It’s hard to decide what to wear. I hope you have nice weather.

>Taking advantage of the mood…


If it hadn’t been for the dog gently waking me up because he had to go out, I would still be asleep, I am convinced of it. Once I stood by the back door in the cool night air waiting for him to get done, I was awake and ready to stay up. I tried to go back to bed and fall asleep again, but I was unsuccessful. My brain was functioning and ready to do something active. 
The fact that the dog was on the bed also licking my face didn’t help. He wanted me to get up and keep him company. He always wants a certain amount of attention in the middle of the night as if we have to re-bond again. He is a spoiled dog. He’s used to my funny schedule and thinks that is normal and he wants me to stick to it. If I sleep too long, he becomes concerned and wakes me up. He’s sound asleep on the coffee table now. 
I may as well take advantage of the good mood that I always have during the night and that seems to be so elusive during the day. It is only present in little chunks of time, but seems very hard to keep a hold of. I struggle most of the day and fight off the feeling of depression for a lot of it. I’m not really happy until the evening when the sun comes down and I feel that I can relax and put my pajamas on. I find life to be mostly a struggle of trying to stay balanced and being unable to.
At night I am relaxed and even tempered and I feel that I can be myself without any of the stress that I feel during the day. Obviously, I’m a nighttime person. It’s mostly the fact that I have a dog that needs to be walked that forces me up and about during the day. I’d gladly spend a large time of the day in my lounge wear taking a nap whenever the mood struck me. That would be mostly when my mood became unbearable and I could not see the forest for the trees. 
I would very much like to take some medication during the day that would take the stress away that’s almost constantly gnawing at me and that prevents me from functioning well. I’m getting tired of the struggle and don’t want to do it anymore. There has to be an easier way. 
I think I will go back to bed now and get some more sleep. The worst part is that when I wake up, the day will have started. I’ll have to arm myself against it. Somehow I have to make it through it and make the best of it, no matter the thoughts in my head. 

>The lure of the nighttime…


I’m just going to have to face up to the fact that I’m a nighttime person and that it’s when I’m at my most productive and not worry about it anymore. It’s not as if it is some major disability that I have to get over at all cost because I have to be like everybody else and I know now that I’m not the only night owl. There are others like me out there who spend the night awake and don’t go to sleep until morning. 
At least I’ve already gotten a couple of hours of sleep before I get up, so I’m somewhat rested and I know I will get more sleep later. I think I have been overly concerned about fitting into some ‘normal’ schedule and have spent an inordinate amount of time worrying about being up when everybody else is asleep. I’m not going to do that anymore and just enjoy my time being up and not make excuses for it or blame it on some sort of failure on my part.
It’s a way of life that I can afford to have and I will accept it. I can actually sleep late in the morning because I never make my appointments  until later in the day. I am that smart anyway. Nobody should try to see me at 8:30 in the morning. I will not be available.
That was the problem with one of my personal helpers. She insisted on seeing me at 8:30 on Wednesday morning to help me get the day started, which was the worst thing possible because I was not ready to start the day. It was not a success. I sat there bleary eyed and tried to be friendly and cheerful when all I wanted to do is go to bed and sleep, which I did as soon as she left, but it put a dent in my schedule. She’s the one I stopped seeing. I saw no benefit in her coming here. 
I woke up with a very sore knee and must have slept in a wrong position. That knee can still bother me a lot at times. It’s been two months since I injured it, but it continues to be a sore spot. Most days I don’t notice it too much, but every once in a while it really acts up. I guess it’s to the point now that I can predict the weather because it’s going to rain. It still snaps when I straighten it out and always feels like it’s going to get stuck. Exercising it seems to be the best thing for it. Sitting or lying down with it in one position is the worst. I guess when you get older, your injuries stay with you longer and become part of you.
I didn’t watch television last night, because television these days seems to be all about light entertainment and not about the contents. And I’m talking about Public Television. I’m amazed at the stupidity of the programs, even those that claim to be informative. I wonder what they think about the intelligence of the average viewer. They must not have a very high opinion of it. Luckily, I can choose to shut the television off, but then I’m not the average viewer. 
I’m not high on sleep medication. I took one new sleeping pill and two tranquilizers so that I would sleep at least a little bit better. I didn’t take the old sleeping pill that made me feel so loopy. I think that was a real humdinger. I will see if I do better during the day now. Hopefully I will not feel so down and lethargic. 
I think I will go and get into other sorts of trouble now. It’s not quite time to go back to sleep yet. 
Have a good day when you get up.

>The sound of silence…


There doesn’t seem to be much pleasure in drinking coffee lately. I don’t get the kick out of it that I normally do. I used to count on it really carrying a punch and waking me up well, but nowadays it doesn’t do that anymore. I hardly seem to notice the effects of it. I still drink one or two cups when I wake up, but it doesn’t give me the pleasure that it used to. That heady feeling that I used to get is not there anymore. 
It’s a shame that this is so because I used to look forward to my cup of coffee and the way it made me feel. I could always count on the rush it gave me. Now that I don’t get this anymore, I sit here like a dull person and have to stimulate myself, which is a much harder thing to do. I have to try to get excited when I really don’t feel that way very much. I’ve come to depend on the coffee too much. Now I’m just addicted to the caffeine without the fringe benefits. 
Hopefully this is a temporary situation and I will be back to normal soon. I will once again be stimulated by the caffeine and be my old jolly self. I’ve already started to make the coffee stronger in order to get some effect. I can’t stay this dull person forever, it just will not do. I’m counting on a little bit of life force in these posts. A little bit of joie de vivre. 
It’s in the middle of the night and I’m almost content sitting here. Underneath it all shimmers the layer of dissatisfaction that I feel all the time now in some measure. It goes from mild irritation to outright stress and slight panic. The medication helps, but during the day I have a hard time and am not happy. I’m glad when the day is over and it is evening and I can put on my pajamas and bathrobe. That’s when I’m most at ease. 
I tell myself that it’s because I’ve had all my medication for the day and that its accumulated effect is working for me, but it may be that the evening, like the night, is the safest time of the day for me. The blinds are closed, the lights are on, and nothing bad will happen. I look forward to going to bed where I will listen to the radio for a while before I fall asleep. It seems to be all about keeping safe and out of harm’s way. I feel exposed during the day and at danger of the unexpected. 
In reality, I’m safe inside the apartment and I’m even safe when I take Tyke out for walks. Nothing bad ever happens. They’re my own thoughts that haunt me. I imagine terrible things will happen that never do. It’s the anticipation of them that makes it hard. 
I have to try and make a better day of it today. Yesterday was a complete waste of time. I didn’t get anything accomplished and just survived. I have to do better today. There are some chores that I have to do and I have to arrange my day differently and better. 
Taking a nap in the afternoon is turning out not to be such a success because I wake up in a bad mood and it takes me a while to get over it. I spend precious time trying to pull myself together and it is a painful process. I should spend that time sitting in my armchair reading a book with a nice cup of tea. As if that is too much of an effort. 
I think I will go back to bed. I’m not quite done sleeping yet, although there is some temptation to stay up and change my whole schedule around. Maybe I will do that yet. I could stay up and sit in my armchair and read my book and wait for the morning to start. I can arrange my day as I see fit, after all. I did say it is time to make some changes. 
Have a good day everyone.

>But all I did was fall down!


My Wednesday personal helper convinced me to go to the doctor to have my knee looked at. I was able to go at 9:30 this morning and had it examined quite thoroughly and was then told that an X-ray would have to be made of it. I’ll have to go to the hospital for that. I made an appointment, but couldn’t have it done until tomorrow. My sister will take me and her friend will pick me up, because my sister has to go to work. 
I wasn’t really in the mood to go to the hospital to have an X-ray made, but I’ll be good and have it done. My personal helper talked me into it. I needed some convincing. It upsets my day and I don’t like anything upsetting my day. I don’t like my schedule changed. I like for everything to be predictable and normal, but I’ll be alright once it’s done. It will be a huge relief. 
The doctor said I had quite a wound, but that it was healing really well. I didn’t say that I let my dog lick it clean and that’s why it looked so good. She would have come at me with a huge injection needle. 
This morning there were suddenly workmen outside my living room windows digging up the sidewalk. They dug down to the water main. They did what they had to do and sometime later some other men came and closed the hole up with new sand and retiled it.They used heavy machinery to do this and Tyke was beside himself with fear or anger. He barked quite a bit. Luckily, they worked fast and got the job done quickly. There was no notice in the mailbox saying why they had shown up like that and what work they had performed. It could have been a terrorist network. Nobody would have been the wiser. 
I’ve got to take a nap. I’m so sleepy and my knee hurts. I need a rest. 
Have a nice day!