The Dueling Dutch Woman

The Adventures of a Middle Aged Dutch Woman

Archive for haircut

Early bedtime?

Apparently I’m not supposed to go to bed on time at night. It is completely futile that I do because I do nothing but lay there and waste my time trying to fall asleep. It would be wonderful if I dozed off, but I don’t even do such a thing. I’m just wide awake and completely aware of my surroundings. I have silent communications with the dog and the cat who can’t go to sleep either as long as I don’t.  We all toss and turn and switch positions to get the most comfortable we can be, but it is all to no avail until I finally announce that I’m getting up and that sets the troops in action. We all move to the living room where everybody finds their spot.

One of the problems was, that for some reason there was no British thriller on tonight. There’s going to be tomorrow night and the night after that, but none this evening. This p*ssed me off a little bit because I had gotten so used to there always being one. There was other ‘amusement’ on the TV, but it was nothing that I was happy with. As a result, I went to bed early thinking that I would be happy listening to the radio, but it wasn’t so. The subjects that were discussed didn’t interest me all that much and I was just out of sorts. Sleep seemed like a good solution, but it didn’t come, despite my sleeping pills.

I cut my hair today because I decided that it was too long and didn’t make me look good. That’s because I was wearing my glasses and I thought I looked like a very average run of the mill woman without any pizazz. I wanted to do something about that quickly so I grabbed the scissors and started cutting. I did do it very carefully and it turned out alright. At least I have more bounce to my hair now and it is a little perkier. I will have to go to the hairdresser to have it properly evened out in the back, but I can take my time doing that. I’ll see if I can go next week some time.

I was supposed to have a domestic help today, but she never showed up. I will have to call on Monday to find out what happened to her. I still haven’t got my regular Friday domestic help back and I don’t know what’s wrong with her. I haven’t seen her in ages, but I sure do miss her. She does such a nice thorough job of cleaning the place. I hope she’s back on the job soon.

It rained off and on all day and one time the dog and I got rained on when we were out for a walk. It wasn’t too much rain and we didn’t get too wet. We weren’t too far away from home because I had anticipated that it was going to rain. Next week, for a few days, the temperatures are going to be almost tropical and then we’ll have rain again. This crazy Dutch weather!

I’m sitting here dressed very warmly in my gray cardigan. I have the windows closed and the heater turned on because both the dog and I were cold. I will reverse all of that before I go back to bed. I like sleeping better in a cool bedroom. I just didn’t like sitting up feeling cold. I was desirous of warmth and so was the dog because he was shivering. He would after he had all of his curls cut off. He’s almost naked now.

He was sitting in front of the window for a long time this afternoon and I thought maybe he was contemplating his navel because there was nothing to see outside. Maybe he has a rich, secret inner life that requires a lot of pondering, although he’s really not the type for it because he’s way too optimistic and good natured. Maybe he has secret, happy thoughts. I can imagine that.

Sometimes the cat sits beside him and helps him look out the window. They both must be having the same fantasies while they stare into the distance at nothing at all. Not that much happens out in the street. Maybe it’s a form of meditation and it calms them down. Maybe I have animals that are into Buddhism the same as I am.

I think I will go to bed now. I do feel sleepy and I think it’s time. I hope I don’t feel the need to get up again tonight. It would be awfully misguided.




>Pleasantly scented…


I just spritzed on some of my new perfume in order to be pleasantly scented. I figured there’s nothing wrong with smelling nice in the middle of the night while I’m sitting here all by myself. I do it just for my own pleasure and nobody else’s. I don’t think Tyke and Gandhi care one way or the other. They are sound asleep and oblivious of how I smell. I’m very much aware of it and it puts me in the proper mood to write. It’s made me more alert. 
I should have pleasantly scented candles burning all over the apartment to make the place smell good or constantly walk around with a can of Brise and spray that around. I should make a point to do that regularly and air out the place a lot too. Now that the temperatures are getting milder there’s no excuse not to do that. I do open the bedroom window every day, but I should open several windows and get a draft going. That would be mighty chilling. 
My short hair is really short and I’m still surprised every time I look in the mirror. I try to put on my most friendly face when I look at myself and be as feminine as I can be. I am wearing pretty earrings so I don’t look too butch. It’s better if I view myself in the full length mirror and get a completer picture than when I just see my head. I’m super critical of only my head, but I figure people don’t just see it when they see me. They see all of me. 
I’ve got a good outfit right now that’s flattering and that makes me look skinny. I’m already thinking of the subsequent outfits that I can wear that will be equally good. This one spans the crown and I’m being very careful with it and try not to spill anything on it so it will last a while. The clothes smell of my perfume and when I put them on in the morning it is very pleasant. I’m still wearing my clothes in layers, but soon that won’t be necessary anymore. I’m managing to stay warm, though, and I only need to wear my black leather jacket when I go out. 
Besides getting skinnier, my feet have shrunk too and I’m now a size smaller than I used to be, so I have to take that into account when I order new shoes or boots. I’m wearing thicker socks with my boots, but I’m running out of them. I don’t have enough and am going to have to buy some more. Hopefully they’ll have them at the supermarket and the Exfactor can pick some up for me the next time he is there. It’s amazing what they sell at the supermarket, but it is very convenient. 
Yesterday went by quickly for a Saturday. I didn’t do anything important, but the hours flew by. I do mostly manage to amuse myself and don’t get bored with my own company. There’s always Tyke to have a good time with and to take for a  walk. It was raining for the latter half of the day and it was very cozy inside. I had the lights turned on and watched television and took a nap. I forgot to hang up the laundry to dry and will have to do that today. It was a day on which one would bake cookies if there were people to eat them. Or to bake a cake. I’m not foolish enough to do that, because I would have to eat it all by myself and there’s no way I could handle that.
It’s been a successful day if I’ve managed to achieve serenity and a sense of peacefulness with myself. I do run into obstacles and it’s a challenge to resolve those. I apply whatever magic formulas are necessary. I really should delve into the study of mindful living more, which is the westernized version of Buddhism. So far I do my own made up version of it and customize it to my needs, but I’m sure there’s a lot I could learn. It might be useful to read some literature on it, although you do have to be careful with that as I’m sure there’s a lot of nonsense out there. Probably everybody is an expert. I could be an expert. 
I’m going back to bed for my precious early morning hours of sleep. It’s too early to start the day. The sun’s not even up yet. It’s Sunday and the world will wake up slowly. 
Have a good day.

>Affectionately yours…


It’s not so early in the morning for a change, because I actually managed to sleep a little later than usual. How I did this, I don’t know. I’m surprised myself, but I do feel well rested now and I won’t have to go back to bed to sleep some more. I won’t have a chance for that anyway, because my Wednesday personal helper is going to be here this morning and I do have to be dressed and ready before she gets here. 
I’m having my coffee now and have just about used up the last of the milk. The Exfactor didn’t make it over here yesterday to do the groceries because of the weather, but he will be here today instead. The conditions have grown somewhat milder and the snow is even melting a bit. 
I’ve had to make things last and was down to the last of the milk and out of juice and completely out of rawhide bones for Tyke, which he always gets at night when we go to bed. They keep him occupied and out of trouble. At least, they are supposed to. It doesn’t always work. Sometimes he devours them in a hurry and has spare time left to go look for ways to entertain himself. 
Luckily, I had lemonade left, so when I was really thirsty, as I am so often, I could drink tall glasses of that, but I miss drinking cold milk and can’t wait to have that in the refrigerator again. I have it set on the coldest temperature so the milk will be extra cold.
I went on the bathroom scale this morning and had lost another 2 kilos and am now just about the weight I’m supposed to be. I’m one kilo over, but I’m sure I’ll lose that too. Especially now that I’ve cut back on the anti-psychotics, because that’s the medication that makes you gain weight, no matter how well you watch what you eat. You can eat like a bird and still gain weight. It’s very frustrating. 
I have to call the hairdresser today and make an appointment to get my hair cut. It’s gotten completely unruly and only looks good when I’ve just washed it. It’s about time that I go to the hairdresser. It’s a treat I enjoy and I haven’t been for a while. I’ve been short of money and had to wait for the right opportunity. It’s presented itself now. It will be nice to have my hair cut into a decent style again. Something I can easily manage and that is back into shape in no time after I’ve washed it. You do have to maintain your short haircut. You can’t neglect it. That’s the one drawback of having short hair. 
I have to get dressed. It’s time to get the day started. Several chores await me. It will be nice to get some things done before my personal helper gets here. I’m terribly thirsty and need to drink several glasses of ice cold lemonade before my thirst is quenched. Off I go. 
Have a nice day.

>It’s cold outside…


Today I was forced to change from my tank top and my pretty red cardigan into a turtleneck sweater and a knitted black cardigan, and when I went out to walk Tyke in the afternoon, I wore my warmer brown leather jacket with my big blue scarf doubled up around my neck. I had been freezing my buns off when I met my friend Lucienne for coffee at a café where there was the only non heated terrace in town with the wind blowing right on it and we sat and shivered at the table because we both smoke and didn’t want to go inside.

Neither one of us was dressed warm enough, because this kind of weather was not forecast. We wore fall clothes and what we really needed were winter clothes. We should have worn gloves, that’s how cold it was. There had been no sunshine in the morning, so the world had not gotten a chance to heat up. On top of that, we were at a café across the station, which is a notorious place for being windy. It wasn’t my choice for having a cup of coffee, but that’s the way it worked out. We both had appointments with our therapists at the same time and met afterwards and Lucienne had made arrangements to be picked up at that café.

I had to ride my bike home in the cold and swore at myself for being so thinly dressed when I knew ahead of time from the Exfactor that it was cold outside. He had arrived in the morning on his motorcycle complaining that it was cold and he doesn’t complain quickly. He had also needed to wear extra clothing. His long johns for one thing. I’m never going to wear thin clothes again from this point onward. It will be double layers from now on and always my thick blue scarf and I will put my gloves in my pocket and look for new ones to buy to match my scarf so that I will be color co-ordinated. You do have to give consideration to these things even if you are cold.

My appointment with my SPN went alright, except that we talked about me getting up in the middle of the night and my subconscious desire to want be up then and to not want to be asleep, although I expressed my wish to want to sleep all night long. Apparently I so enjoy my time during the night that I have programmed myself to be awake after I go to the toilet. The thing to try to do is to go back to sleep immediately and to not even get up for a cigarette and a glass of milk. I wish I had that desire in me, but I have such a big wish to be awake. I don’t know what role my dreams play in it.

Tonight I have to try to sleep through the night because I have an appointment at 10 o’clock in the morning with my psychiatrist. I will not have the opportunity to get up and go back to bed and sleep late. So tonight is a test to see if I can do it and sleep decently until the alarm clock goes off and what dreams I will have. I had very sad and complicated dreams this morning and I have to think about them all day long and wonder what they mean. Maybe I make too much of them.

This morning I only had decaf left to drink and let me tell you, that does not work if you are used to regular coffee. I sat here in a stupor, yawning and trying to get my head to clear up while trying to make conversation with the Exfactor. I was nearly incapable of it. I hardly got a word out. Then he went grocery shopping and I walked Tyke and when he got back, the first thing I did was make a pot of coffee and have a cup immediately. It was as if a miracle took place and I became coherent again and my mood improved by a multitude. Actually, the Exfactor became more talkative too, so it had an effect on him also, so decaf was not working for both of us. Apparently he had not had enough coffee yet either.

The Exfactor accidentally bought Fair Trade coffee. He thought it was priced cheaply and didn’t find out it was 2 Euros more expensive per pack until he got to the cash register. I had never bought it, but my sister buys it and I always think her coffee tastes bad, so it was with some amount of trepidation that I made the pot of coffee, thinking that it wasn’t going to taste as good as the coffee I normally get. But I have to tell you that it was fine and tasted good, so it is all in how well you make it. Apparently my sister doesn’t know how to make a good pot of coffee. I use one rounded tablespoon per cup and I think I possibly make strong coffee, but that’s the way I like it. Everybody else seems to think so also. I would love to buy Fair Trade coffee all the time, but it would add 4 Euros a week to my grocery bill and I can’t afford that. Poor people can’t afford to buy ecologically and biologically sound products. We just have to do without. I just can’t do without coffee.

I just took Tyke for his last walk of the day. The wind has stopped blowing as much and now it’s just pleasantly cold. That thick scarf sure is a pleasure to wear, but I notice that I really need a warmer winter coat, so I will have to save up my money for it, or wear more layers of clothing. I had forgotten what it feels like to be cold and this is just the beginning. I don’t mind as much if the wind doesn’t blow, but that’s the culprit. I still don’t have the heater turned on, because  it’s still warm inside. The sun shines through the living room windows in the afternoon and heats it up in here. I have closed the bedroom windows because it was getting too cold with them open at night. I was freezing my butt off when I got undressed in the evening when I went to bed. The back of the apartment is in the shade, so definitely cooler and the windows don’t have double glazing.

I’m going to cut the top of my hair in a little while. The rest of it has been cut short, but I didn’t have the top cut short enough. I can do it myself easily with sharp enough scissors and save 15 Euros, or look ridiculous, but I don’t think so, because I used to cut my own hair all the time. I looked at my friend Lucienne’s hair today and realized that mine was too long. Hers was shorter and perkier and made her look younger and was better styled. My hair is unruly and hard to tame and only in good shape when it’s just been cut. So, before I put my pajamas on I will do that.

Have a good evening, everyone and tell me about your weather.


>All dressed up…


I’m all dressed up waiting for it to be time to go to my creative class. I stood in front of my closet this morning and managed to put an outfit together that I’m very pleased with. I could describe it to you, but I’m sure you’re not waiting for me to go into detail about that. I tried on a few combinations before I found the right one. Of course, everything revolved around the neat leggings that I had discovered and I put together an outfit with them in mind. I also wanted to wear my Esprit boots and I happened to find a dress that matched the leggings and the boots. After that, the rest was easy. Since I have also lost weight, my clothes fit me a lot nicer, so that’s a bonus. 

Since I had my hair cut, I’ve also started wearing make up again. Not very much. Just some eyeshadow and mascara. It takes me just a few minutes to apply it. I liked myself well enough without the make up, but I realized that with the make up, I look just a bit better. I think I got vain and want to make the best of it. I am getting older and want to look younger. I also bought a pack of cleansing tissues, so the make up is wiped off easily. Witht the depression looming, I want to take special care of myself.

I’m glad that I can order clothes on line and that I don’t have to go into town to try things on in dressing rooms. Although there is one store that I really like and their sizes are very dependable, You can actually buy things off the rack without trying them on. But I like shopping on line. I know my size and things are delivered the next day. It’s very exciting to open the package and get out the item of clothing that you’ve ordered and try it on. On the rare occasion that it doesn’t fit, you send it back and get a different size at no extra charge the next day. Service with a smile. 

It’s cold outside and it’s time to start wearing my winter coat. The long one with the hood and the buttons and the zipper. It’s really autumn now. The nights are cold and in the daytime it doesn’t get much warmer. Rain was predicted for today, but it doesn’t look as though it is going to, much to my relief. I’d rather not ride my bike in the rain. No matter how easy my haircut is. 

For practical reasons, I’ve put my watch back on today and I hope I don’t break out in a rash again. I do want to be able to keep track of the time when I’m away from home. I really need to get a leather band for it and I’m going to ask the Exfactor if he will get that done for me one of these days. He goes into town more often than I do and it will be a simple thing to do for him.

Now that the weather has changed, my eczema is really acting up and I need to get a new prescription for the ointment from my GP. I have to remember to call them tomorrow morning for it. I’ll put that down in my agenda so I don’t forget. 

Okay, I have to go. I need to go and be creative. Wish me luck. 


>The empty white page.


I will have to jump in the shower shortly and wash my hair, because it has not survived the onslaught of the pillows well last night. It is rather crooked and dented in places. But hey, I’ve got easy hair to style, so it won’t be any problem to get it looking good again and I’m going to use my best shampoo, the one that picks up all the highlights in my hair. Won’t I look snazzy? 

I’ve decided not to wear what I was wearing yesterday, because it was a boring outfit after all, and I’m going to look for something completely different. The only thing I really liked was the necklace I was wearing, but if I’m going to wear it again depends on which clothes I pick out to wear. I think I may actually wear a sweater today, it’s a possibility, but I have to have a good look in my closet and use my imagination. I found some really neat leggings in one of my closet drawers that I have to put to use somehow and I’m going to try and put an outfit together with them. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I think that the possibilities are endless. I can’t wait to start looking.
Well, as is usual, you can see what I get excited about in my little limited life. It’s almost pathetic, isn’t it? My love affair with my closet. I’m sure there are more important things in life to care about. They just escape my line of vision. I’m so encapsulated in my own little world. I’m ensnared by my own tiny little trappings. I’m most certainly not part of the bigger picture. I’m not a hero. I don’t stand on the ramparts. I don’t have any causes.

Having established that I’m an egocentric person, I will continue to talk about myself. Today I have my creative class. It starts at 1 pm and lasts until 4 pm. That will keep me out of trouble for the afternoon. It’s the highlight of my day. It’s what everything revolves around. I know I’m capable of so much more, but I’m afraid to make commitments. When I least expect it, I’m a psychiatric patient again. Still, there must be more to life than this. I must also contribute. Participate somehow. I can’t just be a useless woman whose main daily event is dressing up well. 

This requires some soul searching, because now I’m not at all satisfied with myself. 

I’m going to jump in the shower and wash those troubles right out of my hair. 

Have a good morning.


>A succesful night…


After I wrote this rather upbeat post last night, I did manage eventually to go to bed, although I was a bit reluctant, because I was worried about waking up in the middle of the night and getting up and having another crazy session behind the computer. So, I postponed going to bed until I was really tired and then fell asleep quickly. I did get up once to go to the toilet, but rather than stay up, I went back to bed and continued sleeping and slept until 6 am this morning. I think that’s some sort of a new record and I am much pleased with it. 

There was some doubt in my mind when I got up in the middle of the night about going back to sleep, but the memory of the night before was fresh in my mind and I didn’t want a repeat of it. What I really want is a normal sleeping schedule and I must abide by some rules if I want to achieve that. That means going to bed at normal times and sleeping at normal times, just like other people do. The night is there for a reason, after all. I can’t sleep whenever I feel like it and wake up whenever I feel like it and keep myself awake artificially with coffee. I mess with the natural order of things and that does me no good in the end, as has been made very clear to me. I will take a nap sometime today so that I will be able to stay up tonight until it is a decent time to go to bed. That should take care of things. 

I’m happy to report that my hair has survived the night of sleep well too. It is barely out of place. I think I have to brush it a little bit to get it looking just right again, but it is hardly necessary. It really is easy hair. Now that I don’t have wax or gel or hairspray in it, it doesn’t feel sticky and stick up in odd places or get squashed down in others. That was always a problem with the funky haircuts I had before. I’m so ready not to be funky anymore, though this haircut is fun too and it doesn’t show my bald spot, which is a definite improvement. I’m afraid I inherited that from my mother who had thin hair herself.

I’m very happy that it’s Sunday and that it’s very quiet outside. Not even the church bells have sounded yet, except to ring the time on the hour and half hour. The world is still asleep and will be fairly quiet for the rest of the day. 

I’m looking forward to picking out the clothes I’m going to wear today. They will be my Sunday clothes, but I’m going to wear them tomorrow too when I have to go to creative class. So, great care must be taken to look especially nice. And to be warm, because it’s only going to be about 13C. 

I hope you all have a nice Sunday morning.