The Dueling Dutch Woman

The Adventures of a Middle Aged Dutch Woman

Archive for fantasies

A new book…

I’ve been laying in bed for a couple of hours reading a new novel (The Hotel New Hampshire by John Irving) but I was not able to fall asleep. I got very caught up in the story and was unable to put the book down. It’s another one I’ve read before, but this time it’s long enough ago that I’ve forgotten a lot about it and it’s like reading a brand new book in a lot of ways. I do remember certain events as I read them, but not in great detail. It must be at least 25 years ago since I read this novel first.

As a result, I have to pay attention better and it’s taking me longer to read it. I can’t very smoothly get through it. The sometimes shocking things that happen in it do trip me up. It maybe is not such a good idea to read it in bed before going to sleep because it keeps me awake. I’m too unaware of what’s going to happen next and expect the worst. In John Irving’s novels the worst does happen.  I finally put the book away, but I was too wide awake to go to sleep. I’m hoping that sitting here for awhile will make me sleepy so I can go back to bed. I think that will happen sooner rather than later.

I’ve had one cup of coffee and am now drinking milk. A tall cool glass of it. I had the coffee to straighten out my head, it was so filled with images of that novel. It was like I had been immersed in a film and disconnected from reality. That’s the hard part about reading novels. You do need to reattach yourself to the real world around you. I always feel separated from it. I suppose I dislike that. I don’t like to be out of touch with reality and lost in make believe. Some books really do that to you.

It’s not been a bad day when you consider that ‘The Black Dog’ is still lurking in the background. He’s keeping a bit quiet, but he is there and growling occasionally to remind me of his presence. I’m doing much better than I was two days ago, so whatever I’m doing is the right thing.  That’s treating myself as kindly as I possibly can and not letting myself get pulled down by negative thinking. I don’t analyze myself or my situation. I find distraction helps the best.

I’m going back to bed. I hope you’re all having a good night.





>Nightly mishaps…


I really need one more cup of coffee before I start writing this and I will take care of that shortly. It ought to get me in the proper mood to turn out some good prose. I’m still a bit struck by sleep and I’m not sure if I should have gotten up already. I thought I was awake when I opened my eyes, but it may have been a miscalculation. 
Any moment now the caffeine is going to do its job and jolt my brain into alertness and I will be right as rain. I will be better than that, I will be great. Not that I will have delusions of grandeur, I won’t be as bad as all that. I will just feel terrific because I always do when I get a caffeine high.
If I ever got stranded on a deserted island, I would have to have coffee and cigarettes with me. On the other hand, it might be a chance to get over my addictions for good. I would have to live on the fruits of the land and the sea and I would hope to get stranded on a bountiful island. God only knows how healthy I’d get. 
I think the caffeine I’ve consumed in the meantime has done its job. I’ve sat here and had a huge fantasy about that deserted island. I feel wide awake and very alert. All the gears in my head are working faultlessly. If I ever were to become a writer of literature, I would have to do all my work very early in the morning when everybody else was still asleep. I’d have to drink a lot of coffee and smoke lots of cigarettes and take advantage of my most productive hours.
Those certainly aren’t during the day when I don’t get much of anything done. Well yes, with a little bit of luck I get my chores done, but that’s not very imaginative. Anybody can do that.
Well, so much for that temporary high of the coffee. It didn’t last and I’ve come back down to earth. Now I’m just an ordinary mortal like everybody else. My head’s readjusted itself again and I’m no longer existing in higher spheres. It was too much of a good thing anyway and this state of being is much more realistic. Being high on caffeine is a very artificial way to get in touch with your imagination. It’s a lot of hot air that you spout.
I’m glad that I’m myself again because I didn’t know what to do with myself the way I was. I think I was running a little bit rampant, especially if you could have seen where those fantasies about the deserted island took me. I had an earthquake and a tsunami all built in and a high hill to flee to. And a broken down and sodden encampment on the beach. 
I’m drinking my second tall glass of cold lemonade. That’s better than drinking more coffee. I do have to keep an eye on that and not let myself be seduced by the immediate effects of the caffeine. It has just as much allure as alcohol does. I get a kick out of it. 
I finally got around to changing the sheets on my bed last night before I went to sleep. I never did get around to that this weekend. I put on clean pajamas and was asleep five minutes after I laid down. Gandhi slept on my stomach and was still there when I woke up. She always thinks my stomach is the best place to lie down on because it’s like a cushion. She kneads it like it’s a ball of dough. Luckily, she doesn’t use her nails. She’s a kind and considerate cat. 
I will think about going back to bed for awhile. This morning the Exfactor is going to be here to do the groceries, but I have lots of time before he gets here. In the afternoon I have an appointment with my psychiatrist and after that one with my SPN. I’ll have to go to the pharmacy after that and that will take care of my afternoon. It’s supposed to be 17C today (62F) and the sun is going to shine. I may not have to wear my scarf. It will be the first time. 
Have a good day, all of you.