The Dueling Dutch Woman

The Adventures of a Middle Aged Dutch Woman

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Staying up past my bedtime…

I tried to go to sleep, I really did. I made an honest effort and laid under the duvet with my eyes closed and my body as relaxed as I could get it. Then the animals started cavorting on the bed as if I wasn’t in it. I pushed them both off and started the falling asleep process all over again, but it was to no avail. I just couldn’t reach that magical state of mind called slumber. I was wide awake for some reason and I knew I had to get up and start the process over again from scratch.

So here I’m sitting with a cup of coffee only slightly dopey, but full of good intentions. The dopiness is from the sleeping pills I took that didn’t quite work and that give me a pleasant feeling of a slight drug inducement. I’m yawning a little bit, but it’s not so bad that the tears are running down my face. I’m not sleepy, but pleasantly high, though not to the point that I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. It will wear off in a while like it always does. It’s just a temporary condition. I’d like to feel this way always. Talk about escapism.

My two pairs of jeans arrived this afternoon and I needn’t have worried about them being too tight because they fit just fine. As a matter of fact, the next time I order jeans, I can get them a size smaller easily. They truly are skinny jeans and these are hip huggers and I can pull them off and on without unbuttoning or unzipping them. I have no bottom and no thighs. I wore the one pair for the rest of the day and they were very comfortable. I felt skinny and like I had long legs. That was a whole new experience.

I can greatly recommend getting skinny jeans if they fit you. They are ever so flattering and then of course, I have all these tops to go with them. I put what I wore with them in the laundry tonight and will have to get something out of my closet in the morning that’s equally exciting. No doubt I will find something. I want to look sexy at my age. I haven’t for such a long time and I want to look attractive at least from a distance. Never mind what I look like up close, although I do my best for that too.

The dog was trimmed this morning and when the Exfactor brought him home he looked like another dog. He was cut so short that I hardly recognized him. He looked feistier and less cuddly and seemed to act that way too. Of course, he was super excited from his outing and took some time to settle down. I spent the rest of the day playing with him and cuddling him so we could bond again. He sure appreciated that and it worked well. I felt that we needed to re-establish our relationship because he was being so silly.

While the dog was gone, the cat walked all over the apartment looking for him and she greeted him extensively when he came home. She does miss him when he is gone, even though he can be such a pest.

I gave the dog his new dog food in the afternoon and it seems we have a winner with this one. He emptied his bowl in one fell swoop. He usually dawdles over his food and takes forever to finish it. I think he used to eat with reluctance and now he eats with an appetite.

Tonight was another British thriller night and we had a new episode of Inspector Linley. This started 6 months after he had lost his wife Helen to the shooting and he was drowning his sorrow in booze, but got over it by solving a particularly horrid case. I was spellbound and on the edge of my seat. I do love Inspector Linley and his sidekick Barbara. It was a thoroughly satisfying evening, but it does put me to bed late. I don’t know yet what’s on tomorrow night, but I hope it’s equally exciting.

By the way, I answer your comments by writing a reply comment. You can keep track of those by clicking on the little box beside ‘notify me of follow up comments.’  I’m not ignoring you. I don’t know a better way to reply.

I think I’ll go back to bed to sleep some more.

Have a good day when you get up.






In spite of myself…

I very cheerfully keep turning out one post after another despite the fact that I get very few comments. I’ve decided that this is not for the lack of readers, but that it just means that my readers don’t comment. They must be so awestruck by what I’ve written that they don’t know what to say. Isn’t that a satisfactory explanation? It means that I can keep writing and assume that enough of you are reading me to make it worthwhile.

If nothing else, I have something to do on those boring moments when I can reread my own old posts and see how I was doing. That’s always a pleasant occupation because I learn a lot from it and see behavior of myself that’s clearly not always rational and is usually linked to something else that is happening in my life, no matter how subtle it is. I see all the little potholes and bumps in the road and the mental hiccups I have as a result of them. It certainly is educational and always gives me courage to keep writing, even for the lack of comments.

I’m sitting here in the middle of the night, although you could say that it is almost early in the morning. I depends on how optimistic you are. I tend to be optimistic and see this as the beginning of the morning because the early birds will start singing in about another hour, before it even is dawn. Sunrise will be at 5:24 AM this morning, but those birds start singing much earlier. I’m glad that they do because it makes everything sound so much more cheerful.

My new summer cardigan arrived yesterday. I waited for it half of the afternoon and then had enough sense to look in the mailbox where it was. I could finally take the dog for his walk and he was eager to go. The cardigan is lovely and the weather was just right for it. I have enough clothes that will match it and I’m going to wear it often. I do love cardigans as they can complete an outfit perfectly and they are good if the weather is just a bit chilly, but too warm for a jacket.  I got it on sale and saved 25 Euros. That was a good deal, I thought.

I watched ‘Midsomer Murders’ last night and went to bed late. It was a satisfactory episode, as usual. There’s always enough of a twist at the end to  have a surprising outcome. I went to sleep at midnight listening to a discussion on the radio about country music and why it had never caught on in this country. Apparently, a lot of people are not appreciative enough of the real stuff and think of country music as something to line dance to. These are the same sort of people that listen to singers of ‘life songs’ that we call ‘sad rags.’

I’ve switched from coffee to milk and I’m getting tired now. I will have to go back to bed because I’m starting to yawn. It will be lovely to go to sleep again.

I hope you’ll all have a good day.





>On being truthful…


Well, I can’t blame the dog for me being up in the middle of the night. I owe it all to myself this time and my need to go to the toilet. That and my refusal to go back to bed afterwards because I was wide awake. Actually, I was eager for a cup of coffee and a cigarette and I very selfishly indulged in those and now I still am. I’m not always known for my wise decisions, but I am known for my most indulgent ones. 
I’ve read other people’s blogs and commented where I thought I had something to say. I don’t always leave a comment. Sometimes I think it’s better if I don’t say anything at all because it may come out a little bitchy. Or more negative than I intend it to be. I can be super critical at times and that, of course, is not always necessary. Nobody is waiting for my opinions. I sometimes feel that I have to be kinder than I actually am.
I didn’t have any emails, much to my disappointment. I felt forsaken by everybody. Usually there are at least one or two, but now there was nothing. That severely cut down on the time I had to spend answering them. Let’s hope I’m not completely forgotten and that some will trickle in during the night. It feels very bad to be so unpopular. Maybe it’s because I’m such a misanthrope. I’ve been discovered for the true person I really am. 
I mean to be more truthful in these posts and not make myself look so wonderful and understanding all the time. Instead I want to present myself as the very ordinary and fragile human being that I am, just like everybody else if they really owned up to it. I’m all done being superwoman, and will show you the not so pretty sides. The ones I always cover up. 
Don’t expect any big revelations now. They will happen with time as I write about things. I will always try to be honest and not embellish things. If there’s a negative aspect about myself, I will try not to hide it if it’s pertinent to what I’m writing about. It’s a whole new approach. That doesn’t mean I’m going to write about my problems, but just about my thoughts and opinions and general attitude. 
What I think now is that I ought to go back to bed. I have much sleep left in me and hours left to go before I have to get up. It’s a lonely business, this blogging in the middle of the night. There is nobody else out there to keep you company. Everybody seems to be asleep. 
I have to do the groceries myself today. It’s with some trepidation that I look forward to this. I’m not quite sure if I’m up to it, but I will be brave and do it.

>The silence of midnight…


I’ve already been asleep, but an untimely need to go to the toilet woke me up and needless to say, I can’t go back to sleep afterwards because I’m wide awake by the time I’ve done that and let the dog out back. There’s no need in me to go back to bed and get cozy under the duvet and continue sleeping. I’m as alert as if I’ve slept for hours and I’m ready to be up and do a days worth of work. 
Of course, later on I will get tired again and go back to sleep, but that will be after I’ve been up for a long while and have generally made a nuisance out of myself in some way by changing my blog templates or doing other silly things such as leave many comments and write many emails that are maybe unnecessary and uncalled for. Sometimes I will take any opportunity to make a noise and have an opinion, although I think all of them are actually well grounded and well meant. I don’t make empty noises. 
Yesterday was a Saturday like many others. I didn’t exactly outperform myself. I laid as low as I possibly could with the exception that I walked the dog at regular times. Most of the time I sat in my armchair and watched television because I was trying to not turn on the computer. I’m trying to drop that bad habit during the day because I turn it on when I am bored and write posts out of boredom and that has to be the worst reason to write posts.
Luckily, there are cultural programs on  television on Saturday although some of them are of dubious quality, but I suffer through those. I pretend to watch those for anthropological reasons to see what interests the common masses. The Dutch language hit parade is not something that normally turns me on. That’s worthy of a whole study in itself. It’s a strange phenomenon that is almost totally devoid of quality. I’m always pleasantly surprised when there’s at least one halfway decent song on that does not make my toes curl in my shoes. 
I was trying to get through the day with the least amount of aggravation. Sometimes I appreciate the weekends and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes they are just long boring days to get through, especially when all my chores are done. For some reason, I’m all caught up. I don’t know how that happened either. Normally I save up some things to do.  I even trimmed the fur around the dog’s eyes so he would be able to see well again. It grows very quickly and he peeks through it. 
I appreciate the fact that I don’t have any chores to do to speak of, but I have to find more interesting ways to keep myself occupied besides laying low and watching television. I think it was the mood I was in today that was the cause of that and the news of the major incident of the lone gunman who killed and wounded so many people in that shopping mall in Alphen aan de Rijn. 
It was on the news immediately in the afternoon and on for the rest of the day as more information came in. It was not something to make you feel very cheerful because things like this don’t happen here and it was quite shocking. We know that children were shot, but the authorities won’t yet tell us if they are amongst the people who were killed. I wasn’t going to mention it at all, but it’s bothering me more than I realized. I suppose we will find out more in the morning. 
I suppose on that sad note I will leave you as there is nothing to add. 
Sleep tight.

>Catch up…


I had told myself that I couldn’t spend any time behind the computer during daylight hours. This was to control the amount of time I spent behind it and the amount of drivel I wrote in my posts. I figured with the amount of sleeping that I was doing in the nighttime hours now, that would put a severe cramp on my style, but I hadn’t counted on the odd night that I would wake up early and sit here anyway, just like I used to. 
I woke up because of a long fit of coughing from acid reflux that was due to my gastric band. Sometimes that happens if I’ve eaten just a little bit too much during dinner. It’s very irritating and doesn’t stop until I’ve gotten up and due to gravity everything has settled down again. Having something to drink helps too. 
It puts a dent in my sleeping pattern, but I don’t mind being up that much once the coughing stops. It does give me a chance to sit behind the computer since I can’t during the day, or so I’ve told myself. I really have to find other ways to amuse myself during the day and get over the habit of automatically turning on the computer the moment I think I have nothing better to do and, most importantly, writing one unnecessary post after the other.
I find that I’m much more relaxed during the day if I’m not constantly turning on the computer and writing posts. It’s much better if the whole notion is out of my head. I’m not neurotically sitting down explaining every detail of my life, which I have a tendency to do in order to try to be amusing. That way everything becomes scrutinized and I feel that my whole life is up for judgment. That’s my own fault, of course. I make it that way. I know I can be much more enigmatic than that and that everything doesn’t need to be explained into the minutest detail.
I do miss out on reading other blogs and leaving comments and that’s something I’m going to have to rectify tonight while I have the chance. It’s worth the missing hours of sleep, which I’ll catch up on anyway in the morning. Sometimes It’s okay to be up in the middle of the night, providing you get enough sleep later and you don’t make a habit out of it like I had. I find that if I sleep well during the night, I do much better during the day. But I do want to visit my blogging buddies. I don’t want them to think I have forsaken them. 
So, without much further ado, that’s what I’ll go do now. I hope you’re all sound asleep or if not, that you’re having a pleasant evening, whichever timezone you’re in. 

>Another day like this, please…


I tell the story in sequences on different blogs and to keep it straight for you, I suggest you go here to enjoy this part of it, though it isn’t absolutely necessary, but you’d do me a big favor with it if you did. I’m also comment hungry, but that’s a secret that you won’t tell anyone, will you? 

I’m sitting here with a lovely cup of coffee and my cigarettes and life almost couldn’t get better than this, although if I use my imagination I can think of a few other things that I’d also like a lot. All of them involve a lot of money and foreign travel and expensive hotels with room service. Yes, I do have rich tastes and should have been a capitalist and power hungry and ruthless. 

Alas, it’s not in my nature to be that way myself, nor was I savvy enough to marry someone like it. I couldn’t stand to be married to someone like Bill Gates and I doubt he could stand to be married to me, because I would tell him what to do with his money. I would do sensible money management and since I’m a socialist, there would be a lot of sharing of the wealth. I wouldn’t just build a factory in Africa, I would build a village with an infra structure, so no shanty town would develop where people would have to live in indignity while they worked in my factory. I’m sure a lot of that is going on wherever big companies set up business.

I’ll get off my soapbox, but you know where I stand on these things. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s the abuse of cheap labor and dire living circumstances for anyone. I count my blessings every day. I know how lucky I am. 

My meeting with my personal helper and my SPN went well, even though I had been nervous about it at first and was worried about how well they would get on and if there would be any friction with both of them having an interest in me, but coming from two different points of view. I need not have worried at all and we had a good and enlightening talk that was clear for everybody and that was not at all stressful or difficult. My SPN handles these things so well and I’m always impressed with her professionalism, even though she is relatively young. She doesn’t have an enormous ego that gets in the way of her.

I think my personal helper feels reassured now too, because a lot has been made clear to her and she understand things better now. She got a good look inside the kitchen, sort to say. It’s a great relief to me that this talk has taken place and that more talks can happen in the future if there is a need. Now both sides know what’s involved and know each other. 

That’s boring talk and I refuse to write about it more. I’m not in the mood for it. I want to write about different things altogether. About how incredibly nice this day is turning out to be and how happy I am to be alive and how well I feel about myself right now. I wish I could hold on to this feeling always and put it in a box to take it out for use whenever it was necessary. There should be a place where you can store spare happiness, although it is nice to be overwhelmed by it all at once. That and a 50 Euro bill can make your day. 

I have the heater turned up a little high because I was shivering although it really wasn’t that cold in here. If it had been this temperature in the summer, I would have thought it was nice. Now I thought it was too chilly. There must be a draft. This morning I discovered that the domestic help had left open the bedroom window yesterday. I was wondering why it was so cold in the bedroom, but I didn’t notice it behind the closed shade. Her logic escapes me. She also likes to rearrange my objects as if she’s playing house and I regularly have to put things back where they belong. I do think it’s kind of endearing, though. She does care enough, although she likes to put everything at an angle as if that is more artistic. She would have done well in the Baroque Age.  I put everything back straight. 

Tyke is having a good old snore. He doesn’t realize that it’s about time for a walk. He’s too busy sleeping. It’s okay with me, because I’m not exactly looking forward to going out in the cold, even though I do have that very nice scarf to wrap around my throat. The rest of me is cold, no matter how many clothes I wear. It’s really going to be a problem this winter on how I’m going to manage to stay warm. I’ve turned into a real wimp when it comes to going out in the cold. I do so appreciate my warm apartment and the warm duvet when I go to sleep at night. As a matter of fact, I still want to get an extra cover for my bed, because I’m so cold when I first get in it. I keep my socks on. I wish I had one of my grandmother’s crocheted bedspreads now. 

Tyke is awake and telling me it’s time to go out. He’s barking at me even, because I’m not doing what he wants. That is, get up out of this chair and put my coat on. I suppose I better go do that then. He’s a bossy little dog. No manners whatsoever. Somebody didn’t raise him right. 

Have a good evening!