The Dueling Dutch Woman

The Adventures of a Middle Aged Dutch Woman

>I’ll have another one, please.

>

To make myself feel better, I’m drinking vodka and I’m reaching that inebriated stage that means I’m feeling pretty good now. I felt as bad as you can get and spent a good hour crying. I couldn’t stop crying and considered using the hash that I found in the cake tin to roll a joint with. I changed my mind and went for the vodka bottle instead. I figured it was the least harmful of the two in combination with my medicines. There would be less chance of hallucinations.

I like this inebriated stage I find myself in now, because the last few hours have been quite emotional and painful. Nobody has died, it hasn’t been as bad as all that, don’t get me wrong. Now that I’m slightly drunk, I can almost laugh at the reason why I was so very much upset, but I’m sure that when I’m sober again, I will be upset all over. I may have to stay drunk. At least I”m still able to type, albeit slowly.

You may know that last night I slept nine hours in the first time in forever and that I was overjoyed by this. Finally, after years of many sleepless nights. I got these hours of sleep by taking a combination of my old sleep pills and the new. My psychiatrist had told me to try this. I thought that finally we had found the magic formula.

He called me today and said that I could not do this again. Well, he told me that I could only do this sometimes when I needed a good night’s sleep. So here I am again, faced with sleepless night so that I won’t get addicted to the new sleeping pills while I really don’t give a shit. I’m already addicted to the old ones.

It was like someone kicked me in the stomach and took away something very precious that I had finally gotten. I’ve had sleepless nights for so long and they mess up my life so badly and mess with my moods and my daily rhythm so very much. My whole day gets screwed up because of my bad nights and at night I sit behind the computer like a hypo-manic maniac and turn out idiotic posts.

I’m probably turning out an idiotic post now, but I don’t care. I’m mad as hell and need another drink.

I refuse to take the new sleeping pills at all now, even though my psychiatrist has written a new prescription for them and faxed it to the pharmacy. They will be delivered tonight. I’m not going to make myself happy with a good night’s sleep every once in a while to only have bad nights of sleep the rest of the time. I’m either going to sleep well all of the time or not at all. I’m boycotting the whole damn system.

I wrote my psychiatrist a very angry email to which I got a very polite reply, saying that sleeping pills are not the answer. He’s saying that to someone who hasn’t slept well in years and who finally had nine hours worth of sleep. How very wonderful. Isn’t the medical profession humane?

I suppose I’m very angry and there’s nothing like an angry drunk. You can only feed her more booze and hope she becomes jolly. As a matter of fact, part of me is jolly and really doesn’t give a damn anymore. As long as there’s vodka in the bottle, I’m okay. By the way, I’m drinking real Russian vodka.

Chances are that I’ll become an alcoholic yet. Or a pothead. I haven’t decided which it’s going to be yet. I guess it depends on which I can afford best. They’re both expensive addictions. They have to fit in your budget. I guess you could do them instead of eating and lose a lot of weight. You could buy cheap beer, it wouldn’t have to cost an arm and a leg and it would fill you up. You’d just have to get the kind with the highest alcohol percentage. It would take all your troubles away. I’ve never had as much sympathy for an alcoholic.

I just want my sleep and I’ll do whatever I can to get it. I want to sleep through the night like I did last night. I want not to be sleepy through the day and to not have to take naps. I want even tempered moods. I don’t want to be hypo-manic when I’m up during the night. I don’t want to drink many cups of coffee to keep me n an even keel.

Right now I like alcohol very much and its effects. I find them very comforting. I wonder why I didn’t turn to it before? Yes, I know I have in the past, but I always forsook it. All I need is a Sugar Daddy to keep up my supply. A bottle of vodka a day ought to do it. Maybe half a bottle would do. I don’t want to fall into a stupor.

I don’t think I will be able to walk the dog tonight. I think I can’t walk in a straight line. It would be noticeable if I tried. I think I’m a good drunk, though. I make sense halfway. All I need now is a tropical island and a white beach and a blue sea and some palm trees. And a life of leisure and debauchery. No care in the world. That’s my secret wish. I’d hate to die of liver disease, though.But maybe it would all be worth it.

Yours fondly,
Nora

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4 Comments»

  Connie Rose wrote @

>Sweetie, you can smoke pot and not become addicted. You can drink alcohol and not become addicted. Just do it in small amounts. I smoke pot myself these days, one very small toke in the morning gives me a nice working high and it keeps me going all day. I'm not addicted to it, sometimes I don't do it and those days are still good.Likewise, I often have a very small amount of wine in the evenings, like 4oz maybe. I've learned — the hard way — over the years that these amounts work for me and that I hate feeling inebriated. So I don't do anything to excess and I don't feel out of control in any way.As for sleep, why not just sleep when you're tired, whenever that is, and be awake when you're not tired. And forget about the sleeping pills. Listen to your own body rhythms, get in tune with those, and don't feel you have to be asleep at night if you're not naturally tired. Eventually it will work itself out.You've got/had yourself on a treadmill, and it's no wonder that your moods fluctuate so wildly. You're out of touch with your own body and medication isn't going to achieve the balance and stability you seek.Much love, hope today is being a good one for you.

  Twain12 wrote @

>sounds like Connie Rose has some good advise…i don't have any because i haven't been in your shoes and just don't know what you should do.Hang in there ♥

  pinklea wrote @

>You've tried the new sleeping pills, they don't work for you, so let's move on to something else. Why can't your psychiatrist just try you out on something else? It seems strange to me that he want you to persist with these pills just because they'd worked for everyone else he's prescribed them for. You're an individual, with your own body chemistry, so not every medication (as well as alcohol and pot) will affect you the same as anyone else. Good luck in your continuing quest for a full night's sleep! xo

  Gail wrote @

>I have no answers. I do know that the more you rely on pills the more it takes to get the same results…that has been my experience.I find physical exercise tires me and helps me sleep a little better.Connie Rose sounds like she knows how to make it happen.Enjoy your beverage and enjoy the night…stay safe.


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