The Dueling Dutch Woman

The Adventures of a Middle Aged Dutch Woman

>The sound of silence…


There doesn’t seem to be much pleasure in drinking coffee lately. I don’t get the kick out of it that I normally do. I used to count on it really carrying a punch and waking me up well, but nowadays it doesn’t do that anymore. I hardly seem to notice the effects of it. I still drink one or two cups when I wake up, but it doesn’t give me the pleasure that it used to. That heady feeling that I used to get is not there anymore. 
It’s a shame that this is so because I used to look forward to my cup of coffee and the way it made me feel. I could always count on the rush it gave me. Now that I don’t get this anymore, I sit here like a dull person and have to stimulate myself, which is a much harder thing to do. I have to try to get excited when I really don’t feel that way very much. I’ve come to depend on the coffee too much. Now I’m just addicted to the caffeine without the fringe benefits. 
Hopefully this is a temporary situation and I will be back to normal soon. I will once again be stimulated by the caffeine and be my old jolly self. I’ve already started to make the coffee stronger in order to get some effect. I can’t stay this dull person forever, it just will not do. I’m counting on a little bit of life force in these posts. A little bit of joie de vivre. 
It’s in the middle of the night and I’m almost content sitting here. Underneath it all shimmers the layer of dissatisfaction that I feel all the time now in some measure. It goes from mild irritation to outright stress and slight panic. The medication helps, but during the day I have a hard time and am not happy. I’m glad when the day is over and it is evening and I can put on my pajamas and bathrobe. That’s when I’m most at ease. 
I tell myself that it’s because I’ve had all my medication for the day and that its accumulated effect is working for me, but it may be that the evening, like the night, is the safest time of the day for me. The blinds are closed, the lights are on, and nothing bad will happen. I look forward to going to bed where I will listen to the radio for a while before I fall asleep. It seems to be all about keeping safe and out of harm’s way. I feel exposed during the day and at danger of the unexpected. 
In reality, I’m safe inside the apartment and I’m even safe when I take Tyke out for walks. Nothing bad ever happens. They’re my own thoughts that haunt me. I imagine terrible things will happen that never do. It’s the anticipation of them that makes it hard. 
I have to try and make a better day of it today. Yesterday was a complete waste of time. I didn’t get anything accomplished and just survived. I have to do better today. There are some chores that I have to do and I have to arrange my day differently and better. 
Taking a nap in the afternoon is turning out not to be such a success because I wake up in a bad mood and it takes me a while to get over it. I spend precious time trying to pull myself together and it is a painful process. I should spend that time sitting in my armchair reading a book with a nice cup of tea. As if that is too much of an effort. 
I think I will go back to bed. I’m not quite done sleeping yet, although there is some temptation to stay up and change my whole schedule around. Maybe I will do that yet. I could stay up and sit in my armchair and read my book and wait for the morning to start. I can arrange my day as I see fit, after all. I did say it is time to make some changes. 
Have a good day everyone.


  Maggie May wrote @

>I don't think that a day is ever a waste of time, even when it doesn't go quite the way we want it to.It is annoying when things we used to enjoy eating/drinking, can no longer give us the same satisfaction and sometimes our bodies don't even tolerate these things.In my case, I can't eat my beloved curries anymore, nor drink a glass of wine without dearly wishing I hadn't done it.Hope today will be better for you. At least it is sunny here, even though it is cold. Hope it is good weather your way too.Maggie XNuts in May

  aims wrote @

>Yooohooo! Just a little heads up my friend.It's the medication – withdrawals – all those things. Most likely the withdrawals. I know we tend to forget these things and everything seems to haunt us. But our minds are trying to adjust to carrying on without a chemical control. With just us at the wheel – flicking on the turn signal – flashing the emergencies. This will pass in time. You just have to remember that this is what it is. Lack of chemical control. You're doing good my friend. Truly.

  Wisewebwoman wrote @

>Also, you've just come through a rapic cycling episode and 'natural' pleasures (the coffee) are affected by this.Be gentle with yourself. No one has perfectly symmetrical days. A book is a good idea, with a nice cup of tea and the animals with you.Special hugs today.XOWWW

  Bev wrote @

>I like the sound of you all nice and safe and quiet with your animals. I think it is the best thing at the moment.Funny about your coffee not having an effect anymore. I know it is one of the pleasures of your life. It could be what aims said which is withdrawal from the drugs. Hope you at least got out with the dog and enjoyed a little of the spring sunshine we are enjoying X

  Twain12 wrote @

>i think it might be the adjustment with the meds too. For me it's the time of the year. Hope you feel more like yourself soon ♥

  Nora wrote @

>Bec, it's the time of year that's bothering me, not the adjustment of the medicines. I have a problem with the change of seasons. I thought that was clear form my posts. I go through this twice a year, in the springtime and in the fall. XOX

  Gail wrote @

>It may be winter blahs and you shall overcome it shortly. A good dose of sunshine may perk you right up.Been feeling down myself but I'm hoping spring will cure my ailments.Sweet dreams!

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